WHO NEEDS A SPECIAL CONGESSIONAL SUPER COMMITTEE TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT AND LOOK FOR WAYS TO INCREASE REVENUE WHEN BIRK IS ON THE JOB?? LET THEM TAKE A WELL-DESERVED DAY OFF!
JOHN KERRY CAN TAKE THEM ALL SAILING ON HIS NEW AUSTRALIAN-BUILT YACHT. Tax Avoidance II
Dear Pals,
I try to be helpful!
HERE ARE TWO POWERHOUSE BIRK IDEAS TO BOOST FEDERAL GOVERNMENT REVENUE:
The first creates revenue out of HOT AIR.
The second is a BROWN energy plan that goes beyond the "Carbon Footprint" to the "Methane Buttprint."
1) Put Hot Air Discharge Meters on every home's chimney. Charge for chimney hot air emissions this winter.
It would make people turn down their heat and save energy. Mandatory winter setting: 50-degrees. Many are cold but few are frozen. Build the new meters right here in Alderman Antonio French's ward and create JOBS! JOBS! JOBS! in North St. Louis!
Taxing Air...Genius!
2) Put in Federal Government toilet paper dispensers in every home (except Members of Congress), office, factory (except approved and exempt union-shops) and public and private facility. Exempt politicians and selected exempted unions would have a "Kiss My Pass" card that they could swipe to avoid payment.
3) This is an automatic debit or Cash program - so the revenue will flow in quickly! We'll be flush with do-do-re-mi!
4) There would also be a methane gas recapture feature in the toilet bowl that would suck in offensive gases and recycle them to the kitchen where they can be used to cook your oatmeal.
Take these steps now! We'll wipe out the $14-$16 Trillion in debt and the deficit in no time.
Call It:
THE AMERICAN JOB CREATION PAY AS YOU GO PROGRAM!
This is a real "bottoms-down" program that everyone can get behind. There's "no ifs or ands" about it. But there are plenty of all-American butts of every shape, size, color and description!
GIVE FOLKS 4-TP Comfort Choices: Quilted Charmin, Comfy Downy, Thrifty 1-Ply All Green Natural Tree Bark or a page from ObamaCare!
Pay per the automatically dispensed sheet. Limit 6.5-sheets per person per sitting.
There is also the Toilet User Timer (TUT) to encourage productivity and focus. When the seat goes down it automatically starts a timer that gives the user 2.35 minutes to "get 'er done."
After that, the user is charged 1 cent per each additional minute or fraction thereof. After five minutes of under-over time the user recieves a 100,000 volt stimulus to speed them along.
I wanted to use "Fast and Furious" - to describe this asspect of the program, but it was already taken.
When all is said and done, the seat goes up and triggers a spritz of ACORN-scented FEDreeze that clears the air for only 3-cents per spritz.
QUICK CASH FEATURE: If the Federal Government ever needs more revenue, President Obama can just make another speech over the built-in Voice Of Brilliance feature in the toilet tank and literally scare up more revenue by scaring the do-do out of people with his policies and newest brilliant ideas.
BONUS REVENUE IDEA: Pay extra for TP imprinted with your "favorite" politician's picture. You can literally dump on the person who dumps on you! Available in racist-Republican and terrorist-Tea Party selections only. Sorry no Democrat party, ACORN or SEIU images are available.
WATER CONSERVATION: Every family gets one flush per week FREE. Charge $1.00 per every additional toilet flush!
Save water! Like the old California water shortage slogan said, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down!" A friend of mine in Palo Alto had this saying needle-pointed in a lovely frame in her very tony loo! She also had a brick in her toilet water tank to take up space and therby use less water. Corelia was as very classy and maybe, gassy lady!
JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!
This would create millions of new jobs!
Think of all the people who would be needed to manufacture, deliver and stock the TP-dispensers.
Think of all the people needed to make uniforms for the TP-dispenser stockers.
Think of the home delivery and distribution system! We could use new GREEN-powered wind-solar trucks painted YELLOW & BROWN! A lighter shade of brown, than UPS though, to avoid potential confusion.
We could call the delivery system FedExcrement! (Unless you think that might be too close to FedEx?)
Furloughed Post Office employees, idled Census Takers, fired Bank of America and Solyndra workers and long-time down-sized unemployed folks could do these simple no-tech jobs! And we'll need at least 140,000 new bureaucrats to mismanage the program. Maybe 200,000!
And, they can all be part of the SEIU, further fueling political contributions to President Obama via union dues.
Plus, while they are in your house, they can check and see what else is going on - like check in your medicine cabinet and nightstands for drugs or look in your closet to see if your wife has "too many shoes." Maybe you have a Gibson guitar in your closet!!
JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!
Who's the JO who put the BS in JOBS? ( Just Obama Bull Stuff! )
Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic
PS: Federal Toiletpaper-Dispenser (FTD) fillers could also check your fridge's contents on the way out (after they've enjoyed their free lunch) just to make sure you are NOT abusing your kids by feeding them stuff that Mama Obama doesn't approve of. If they find "evidence" they will turn you in to the Twinkie Police, at Homeland Security.
The possibilities for ways that our government can help manage our lives - and create more tax revenue to lend via $500 million guaranteed loans to Solyendra and other GREEN ENERGY businesses owned by Obama campaign contributors that go bankrupt - is virtually endless!
Please get behind this!
Do your part to help President Obama!
Forget Buffett...THINK BUTTFIT!
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