The Wise Buddha-hahahaha

Pakistan releases Bin Laden Bodyguard. Changes name to Backstabistan and demands $3 Billion in UA AID.

Happy Birthday Rumi! Born 1207...1 + 2 + 0 + 7 = 10! 1 + 0 = 1!! It All Adds Up To One! Will You Have A Daily "Rumi-nation?"

Dear Pals,

804 years ago Rumi was born in 1207...If you break it down - numerologically speaking, you get:

1 + 2 + 0 + 7 = 10!     1 + 0 = 1!!     He has a 1 Birth Path.

This year he is 804 years old!

8 + 0 + 4 = 12. 1 + 2 = 3.

He's having a 3 year.

And 3 is a prime number in The Fibonacci Series. That's a mathmatically significant progression wherein each number in the series is the sum of itself and the number immediately proceeding it. It is a recurring number series that is structurally found in nature in the pattern of a bisected chambered nautilis and in Leonadrio Da Vinci's man in the squared circle.

1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89 et cetera.

When Rumi died in 1273 representatives of every religion on earth attended his funeral. He was 66.

6+6 = 12, 1 + 2 = 3. Another 3 year.

______________________

My favorite "Rumi-nation" is presented for your quiet contemplation:

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely be it.

I died as a mineral and became a plant'

I died as a plant and rose to animal;

I died as animal and I was a man.

Why should I fear? When was I less by dying?

Yet once more I shall die as man to soar with angels blest.

But even from an angel I must pass on: all except God must perish.

When I have sacrificed my angel soul,

I shall become what no mind ever concieved." - Rumi

_______________________

If you'd like to learn more about Rumi, I recommend a wonderful book of Daily Rumi-nations for you meditative pleasure:

A Year With Rumi - Daily Readings - by Coleman Barks

ISBN 978-0-06-084597-1 

I'm sure it's on Amazon.com and perhaps Kindle too.

_____________________

If you read Rumi each day and annotate your thoughts in its pages and then revisit it in every subsequent year, you will see how it affects and uplifts your life.

Let the journey begin...

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: If everyone in the world started their day by reading a daily passage by Rumi...what a beautiful world it would be.

CAIN vs UNABLE in 2012! Herman Cain and Marco Rubio can deliver us from evil.

Please Vote For A Great Sandwich! The Ham Raisin Experience By My Pal Andi Lowe!

Dear Pals,

My pal Andi Lowe sent me the message below, please consider giving her your VOTE if you love Ham and Raisin!

On the heels of The Wall Street Journal article on pig stealing and my trip down Hamory Lane in a blog about it, this request was particularly synchronous!

______________________________________________

I have entered a contest with Panera Bread to develop a new sandwich.  Thursday I got a call telling me I was in the top 20 having beaten out 680 other entries.  On Monday 9/26 you can go to:

                 

www.panerabread.com/showdown   and vote for "The Ham Raisin Experience"

The top 5 people with the most votes will go on the the next round.  If I make it to the next round I will have to create the sandwich for a panel of chefs.  The winner will have their sandwich put into local stores for a month and will win $2500

Being the marketing gurus that you are I thought I'd ask for your assist.  You can vote every 24 hours.  Voting closeson Oct 13th.  Please pass this along to family, friends and business associates.  I appreciate you help.

Frankly I am just thrilled to be in the top 20 but it will be interesting to see how far and how many people we can reach through the internet.

I'm Excited!!!

Andi

__________________________________________

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: Andi is a very cool lady...and I know she'll appreciate your support! PLEASE pass this along to your Ham and Raisin lovin' pals!

The Compelling Case For Supporting Herman Cain For President. Tell Me Where I'm Wrong!

Dear Pals,

You can check my blogs and facebook posts. I've been a BIG fan of Herman Cain for a long time.

Here's Why:

ABOVE ALL - He LOVES America.

1. He's a self-made man...with a million "assists" from family and friends.

2. He is from good stock. His folks were a maid and a chauffer.

3. He was not born with a silver spoon or a silver service for 12 in his mouth.

4. He is a successful businessman in a labor intensive highly competitive industry.

5. He knows the value of training people and motivating them.

6. He is NOT a professional politician.

7. He is not a Northeasten Republican.

8. He is not a Texas politician.

9. He has personally created more private sector jobs than anyone else in the field.

10. He knows what he doesn't know...and doesn't try to fake it.

11. He will identify the most urgent problems facing America.

12. He will put the VERY BEST people on the job to solve the CORRECT problems.

13. He might even LISTEN to the advice of his Generals and Admirals.

14. He wants to throw out the TAX CODE...not "tinker with it."

15. His 9-9-9 plan captures revenue from everyone...no more free riders.

16. He was never an academic, a lawyer, Congressman, Senator or a community organizer.

17. He is a life long achiever and TRUE business builder.

18. He has a lovely and supportive family.

19. He has faced his own mortality and pushed through tough medical issues.

20. He can inspire all Americans! He can have this message, "If I can do it you can do it! All you have to do is get in the game. Learn something everyday. Get a Hard Knocks education, it won't kill you! Do more than is expected. Don't lie, cheat or steal. Work hard. And remember, the bottom is just a place to start - but the entitlement and unemployment couch is a DEAD END SEAT!"

21. He understands the inherent dignity of all people. Not everyone can be a millionaire. But every one can have the dignity, liberty and freedom to try!

22. He will lead by COURAGEOUS personal and professional example.

23. He has an honest and self-deprecating sense of humor.

24. He is not a PROFESSIONAL minority activist.

25. He is an embodiement of success and a living example of the American Dream.

26. He knows how to use the SUBTRACTION key on a calculator.

That's why I like Herman Cain.

That's why I think he's the right man in the right place at the right time for America.

I think The Pizzaman can deliver!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: Here's my take on the field.

Romney is McCain Lite.

Perry is Texas-ego-driven -

Paul is too far right - I'm a Libertatian with a Tao bent

Gingrich I also like...he's been there and done that

Bachmann is too shrill for me. I like her ideas but she just makes my skin crawl. (That's not a reason but it is an emotion.)

Houseman is really a Kennedy-Democrat

Santorum I like. He just needs to relax

The former Governor is Paul-lite

Palin is polarizing

BIRK'S BIG "H.C. PRESIDENTIAL" PREDICTION: A few days ago I blogged about The OBAMAKAZI and how there was ONLY one Democrat who could stop him in the primary and keep him from sinking the Democrat Party and candidates at the Congressional, State and Local levels.

The next President of the United States will have the initials: H.C. - will it be Herman Cain? Or Hillary Clinton?

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN AND READ MY CASE FOR A HILLARY CLINTON RUN!

How To Make "The Old Man And The Sea." The Greatest Cocktail Ever Conceived By The Mind Of Man. PLUS! The One-Two-Three Warning For Beautiful Women!

 

Dear Pals,

The basic ingrededient: Chartreuse.

A reading from the back label of a bottle of: Liqueur Fabriquee Par Les Peres Chartreuse.

___________________________

Chartreuse is made only by The Carthusian Monks of Le Grande Chartreuse near Grenoble, France.

Chartreuse today is still made from 130 Alpine herbs according to an ancient 1605 formula. The secret method of preparation is shared by three Cartusian brothers and is protected by vows of silence.

Chartreuse is sold in America is a Green or Yellow liqueur, the latter being sweeter and milder. Each type is also available in a rare V.E.P. The only liqueur to have a colour named after it, Chartreuse is also for a flavor and fragrance totally unexpected, remarkably beguiling, unique in all the world.

Chartreuse is most popular mixed with tonic or club soda in a tall glass with ice, accented by a slice of lemon or lime, but can also be enjoyed on the rocks.

_______________________

How To Make: The Old Man And The Sea

1) Use an ice-cold frosted crystal low-ball glass

2) Fill with crushed ice 2/3 to the top

3) Pour in GREEN Chartreuse 3-fingers high

4) Top with Diet Squirt or Diet Fresca

5) Garnish with a twist of lime

6) Dust ice with fine zest of lime to taste

7) Stir gently with a thin sterling silver drink mixer

Consume respectfully. Never drive or operate heavy equipment.

Enjoy your adventure trip to a Parallel Chartreuseverse!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: If you drink three 2-ounce shot glasses of Green Chartreuse, you will understand why the Carthusian Monks have no interest in or need for the companionship of beautiful women.

THE BIG FAT ONE-TWO-THREE WARNING FOR BEAUTIFUL WOMEN:

If you can convince a beautiful woman to enjoy just one Old Man And The Sea cocktail in St. Louis, you and she will have an out-of-body sexual experience and wake up 2-days later in The Four Seasons in Las Vegas with two ticket stubs from a Maverick Helicopter Grand Canyon champagne breakfast ride on the nightstand.

If you can convince a beautiful woman to enjoy three Old Man And The Sea cocktails in St. Louis, you and she will awaken 15-days later on yacht sailing off Costa Rico's Papaguaya Peninsula with Halle Barry, Matt Damon, Megan Kelly, Uma Pemeraju, Bill O'Reilly, Dana Perone, Loring Van Slyck Greg Gutfeld, Arlene Browne, Lou Holt, Dennis Miller, Ron Grubbs, River Bill, The Four Tops, Mary Love, Long and Lean & Short and Mean, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Reardon, Greta van Sustren, Greg Slack and The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Glenn Beck will be in the long boat singing, "What shall we do with the drunken liberals early in the morning?"

Bob Beckel and Alan Combs will be found awash in the

wake-tow 100-yards astern as shark chums.

If you can convince a beautiful woman to enjoy two Old Man And The Sea cocktails in St. Louis, you will awaken 5-days later in a completely destroyed bedroom suite in Monte Carlo with her, $450,000 in Bacarat tiles and a chimpanzee in a Butter Yellow sweater. (Trust me I know!)

(Glenn doesn't drink any more...)

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Drink Chartreuse 

HUGE WARNING: A shot of Yellow Chartreuse should NEVER be consumed by a pregnant woman unless she wants to put her unborn fetus in motionless sleep for 3-days.

FOOTNOTE TO HISTORY: Randy turned out just fine!

at your own risk.

SUPER PS: I am not in any way connected with the Carthusian monks, their US or international distributors or US wholesalers or retailers. I am not being compensated in any way, shape or form. I present this information as a public service.

 

 

Wall Street Journal Reports Today: Year's Swelling Hog Prices Drive Porcine Crime Wave! Allow Me To TRANSLATE.

Dear Pals,

The headline of the story on A2 of the 9-24/9-25 edition of The Wall Street Journal by Douglas Belkin and his unindicted co-contributor, Scott Kilman, made me laugh. It also reminded me of my earliest daze in advertising waaaaaaaaaay back in the days of the Mad Men.

Year's Swelling Hog Prices Drive Porcine Crime Wave! 

You can tell a lot about people by the words they choose to use. Take Mark Lashly, my erstwhile partner at BFV&L, who was very proud of his formidable vocabulary. Once while we were riding over the hills of rural Missouri he commented, "Looks like the home of a wealthy agarian."

I looked past the painted barns and the long white fence running along the roadside pasture and saw the ante-bellum white Doric-columned brick mansion on hill overlooking a herd of placidly grazing Herefords.

I said, "Nope...I think a rich farmer lives there."

The writer of the WSJ article was trying to say, "Rising hog prices leads to pig stealing."

Nobody outside of New York would say or even think or much less, write: Porcine Crime Wave.

I know pigs. My very first job at Ralston-Purina in the Hog Chow Advertising Group was to write and edit The Swine Facts book and The Purina Hog Book.

The Swine Facts Book was written in the language of agri-science by Veternarians, large mammal Geneticists, Nutritional PhDs and edited by me. It featured learned articles on the Gravid Sow, Solid Waste Disposal, Mastitis and Metritis, High Lysine Corn and Breeding Genetics and Selection.  I learned a lot in that section and applied it to my 60"s dating scene with immodest success!

The Hog Book had largely the same content, but was written in plain English for hog farmers. It contained articles translated by me from the Swine Facts Book. The Gravid Sow treatise became How To Help The Sow At Farrowing Time. Solid Waste Disposal became Manure Hnadling and Breeding Genetics and Selection became how to Select Gilts To Get Bigger Litters. There was also a terror enducing chapter on How To Castrate Baby Pigs and Clip Needle Teeth!

I loved learning about the hog business. There is nothing cuter than a pink-nosed baby Yorkshire or more motherly and tender than watching a litter all lined up sucking away on the sow's teats.

We also made XXX-rated films on proper use of the breeding crate to steady a 165 lb. gilt (an unbred female) under the weight of a mature boar. Gilt. It always made me think of guilt - which is how the virgin pig might have felt after a session with an impressive a 450 lb. Duroc boar in action.

Two Boar Stories: First the TRUE one - my pal Leo was at an Illinois County Fair, he was sitting on a bale of hay behind a large stack of hay bales at the back of a stall that contained a huge boar. Two middle-aged women stopped to admire the boar and they could not see Leo.

One of the women pointed to the boar's balls that were about the size of grapefruits and said to her friend,"How'dya like to have them slapping against your ass." Her gal pal replied, "He looks like he could hammer both of us all day."

At that moment the still hidden Leo snorted and gruffly bellowed, "Ladies, drop your drawers and grab your ankles! I'll make your dreams come true!" Leo's voice startled the boar and he ran away from the back of the pen snortin' and stompin' toward the rail-leaning ladies, who shrieked and ran off!

Now for The Other Boar Story,

A truck arrived at a hog farm one day and when the ramp was put down out flew a brand new boar. He was eager and excited by his new job. He ran full speed toward the old boar asleep under the Oak tree,

The young boar, pawed the ground and snorted, "Hey old-timer! Whaddya say we run down to the end of the pasture and breed a sow!"

The old boar was named, Greased Lightening Trumpeter Victory Explosion. He opened one of his sleepy eyes and said, "Sonny, whaddya say we walk down there and breed 'em all?"

Which brings be back to Mr. Douglas Belkin of The Wall Street Journal.

I hope he doesn't write a movie screenplay called The Pig Bow Incident.

You see people rustle cattle and steal pigs.

Cattlemen used to lynch rustlers.

Hogmen today are very paractical. They might see no need to engage in lengthy and expensive court wranglings. I think they'd just teach pig snatchers a lesson with an anally-inserted artificial insemination (AI) device used for boar semen-collection known as the Hollandbeck Electro-Ejaculator (HEE).

I'm confident that one HEE session would HAWLT and further dissuade any further pig stealing.

HEE-HAWLT...I like that!

A HEE-HAWLT-session would work very well pig thieves. Once a HEE was used on a boar, you could not walk past the boar pen with a broom, rake or shovel in your hand. The mere sight of a HEE or anything that looked like it would make a boar climb a silo ladder.

The HEE was invented at Purdue University in Layfayette, Indiana by the AI-expert, Dr. Richard P. Hollandbeck, who carried a dried boar's penis as a swagger stick and used it as a pointer in his sessions.

A boar's penis is about 36" long and has a "corkscrew" tip which somehow locks onto the inside of the sow or gilt that is being vigorously bred. One night over dinner after a Big Pig Pow-Wow, Dr. Hollandbeck once confided in me that this physical trait inspired the expression "screwing."

Many a farm boy and farm girl got their earliest sex-ed classes watching God's creatures he-ing and she-ing in the old barnyard. Hence the Beach Boys' lyric..."and the Midwest farmer's daughters' they keep their boyfriends warm at night!"

Here's to less backfat! Bigger loin eyes, symmetrical well-formed teats and lovely well-marbled hams! Soooooooiiiieeeee!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: Never say "porcine" west of Manhanttan and when you head into your next 3-day NYC weekend, heed the advice of the old boar. It applies on The Hamptons, Fire Island and Old Cape Cod too!

 

 

 

 

Arson At 1600 Pennslyvannia Avenue! Has President Obama Gone From Hero To Zero To Nero? Put Down The "Entitlement Fiddle!" It's Ankle Check Time!

Dear Pals,

For Hope and Change he was the Hero!

But he spent a Trillion and came up with  Zero!

Now as the shaky economy wibbles and wobbles, he diddles and blames, pouts and piddles, putts and fiddles!

Alas, has my inspiring new President gone from Hero to Zero to American Nero!

His incessant and inane economic fiddling, hubris, ego and bombastic inflamatory rhetoric seems determined to fuel and ignite an incendiary Class War, that can burn down The House, The Senate, The White House...and a neighborhood near you.

If he wants to burn America down in a Class War by pitching the poor down-trodden have-nots against the evil rich...I guess that qualifies as a "fundamental transformation."

He may only be happy when his supporters on the Government Freebie-Gravy Train "light up the night."

Everyone knows, if you are born black you cannot succeed in America and you are destined to be a lifelong Democrat. That's the "conventional belief." Right?

Don't believe me? Ask Maxine Waters, The Reverend Al Sharpton or Charlie Rangle!

Need more evidence? Ask Oprah Winfrey, Bill Cosby, Michael Jordan, John Johnson, Herman Cain and Michel Vick, O.J. Simpson, Della Reese, Halle Berry, Justice Clarence Thomas and Juan Williams.

Have I made my point?

The evidence is everywhere...America is the land of opportunity for everyone...except those who need the Democrat Party to think for them and take care of them.

Can we all please stop playing the them vs us, poor vs rich, black vs white game. Can we all drop our hypens: Mexican-American, Afro-American, German-American, Irish-Americans, Jewish-American and et cetera.

Can we all please be just plain old - Americans?

Can we please get off our collective, woe-is-me, pity-party asses and get any job and get going?

THIS WAS MY JOB PATH: Started at the bottom washing dishes. Worked hard. Study something all the time. Never stop learning. Learn some new skills. Don't lie, cheat or steal. Keep your nose clean. Be a good guy. Do more than what is expected. You'll be astonished at what can happen.

THIS WAS MY SON MATT'S PATH: Stacked rocks in a stone yard, fried hamburgers in a bar and grill, worked in a restuarant kitchen as a sous chef, moved to Millenium Hotel to The American Queen to the Liberty of the Seas to the Disney Dream and now as Chef at The Ritz-Carlton Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Was it easy for Chef Matt? Sure was! All he did was dedicate 20-years of his life to learning the craft and artistry of cooking for 70-hours a week.

The BOTTOM JOB is just the starting point. Ask my personal favorite Presidential Candidate, Herman Cain! The Pizza Man Can Deliver!

And he knows how to create jobs and upward mobility!

Can we please become part of the American Dream...and ONCE AND FOR ALL close the door on all the nightmares of the past? Every ethnic group that came to America has experienced bad times, some worse than others. And, the native Americans got the rawest deals of all.

But Pals, it's way past time to stop playing "the world owes me a living" Entitlement Fiddle.

We're all entitled to LIFE, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness. PURSUIT of happiness - NOT guarantee of happines!

Some will catch happiness. Others won't. But pursuit requires self-motion. I am positive that no one can pursue happiness while sitting on their unemployed free-loading ass for 99-weeks.

ANKLE CHECK TIME: If you don't like America, check your ankles. If there are no shakles on them, please feel free to swim to Cuba or China or sneak into Mexico where you'll be permanently taken care of.

It's up to each individual!

If you are looking for opportunity and someone who believes in YOU!

LOOK IN THE MIRROR!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: Maybe my inspiring new President is just following in the great Chicago fire-setting tradition started so many years ago by Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Or, maybe he's just in a bad MOOOOOOd because Solyndra went sour! Oh well, no sense crying over a spilt HALF BILLION!

Will The Obamakazi Sink The USS Liberal? A Birk Fearless Forecast!!

Dear Pals,

I'm going out on a very loooooooong  limb here!

But these things can happen to light a Hillary For President wildfire!
 
1) Democrats will openly begin discussing Obama
    as a "problem candidate" on the blogs and in
    newspapers. They will first whisper, "He can't win!"
 
2) Advocacy will begin for an acceptable and
    experienced primary challenger to Obama.
 
3) Hillary's name will be floated - a lot...
 
4) She'll initially poo-poo it and shrug off any interest whatsoever with a smile and a chuckle.
 
5) Liberal media TV (MSN, The View, Ellen DeGeneris, Rosie O'Bitter)
    will begin to discuss Hillary and "wish" she had won.
 
6) A major Democrat IE: Bill Richardson, reasonable Lanny Davis and/or the ragin' Cajun James Carville
    will begin to beat the Hillaree! Hillaree! drum.
 
7) Polling will show that if Hillary would challenge Obama
    she would win the nomination. Dick Morris will pass a Sequoia!
 
8) Hillary has been the long-suffering and very loyal "good soldier." She now has the up-to-date
    inside track and Foreign Relations experience. Many thought she should
    have won the nomination last time.  She won't need a foreign relations
    briefing today - she can give it.
 
9) Many independents and women in particular will rush for her because
    Republicans are too strident. Too fundamental. Too conservative.
   Too Tea Party. Too inflexible. Too Texas.

10) Bill will "quietly" lobby for her, as only he can do it.
 
11) The new Divine Wind, aka the "Obamakazi" would rather dive into
      the deck of the USS Liberal - the flagship of the Democrat Party than compromise
      his progressive-socialist ideology.
 
12) Only Hillary can shoot the Obamakazi out of the sky with complete impunity.
 
13) I don't think it will go to a bloody convention floor fight either.
 
14) Obama will first offer Hillary the VP slot with Biden going
      under the bus. Thumpity-bumpity-humpity-dumpity...
 
15) Hillary will refuse the offer as VP. As she initially does the suggestions and urgings that she run against the Obamakazi. 

But, as the economy continues to deteriorate and the world begins to wobble, subtle urgings will turn to loud exhortations, then she'll relent. Hillary and Bill know it's NOW or NEVER!
 
16) She'll reluctantly resign as Secretary of State and FOR THE GOOD OF HER COUNTRY
      AND HER BELOVED DEMOCRAT PARTY. Then she'll run as a Presidential
      candidate in the primary and her ferocious fundraising will dry up Obama's
      fundraising like a sno-cone in Hell.
 
17) The Earth will move in a Hillary 7.5 groundswell and Obama will
      have only two choices: 1) go forward being the Obamakazi or, 2) commit politically
      honorable hari-kiri and let Hillary go for it.
 
Imagine America's first woman President!!
 
18) Hillary can win The White House - but the Tea Party
      will sweep the House and Senate.
 
19) The message from the people will be: Cut the crap and work together.
 
20) Hillary is practical...she'll know how to play ball.
 
Her Cabinet could even include some Republicans and Independents
like businessman - Herman Cain - as Secretary of Commerce.
 
Bill Clinton will play Cardinal Richelieu and Hillary will have her Presidential dream come true.
 
For VP - how about Evan Bayh (Indiana) or younger Sam Nunn-type, or a retired military General Democrat or how about a younger moderate Bill-Richardson-style Democrat or a Governor from the Midwest, Southeast or Southwest.
 
Hillary could look to create The New Solid South.
 
Trust me, if she gets the Democrat Party nomination, Hillary Clinton will win The White House.
 
Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic
 
PS: As I faceciously blogged many months ago, my real dream ticket would be Hillary Clinton and Sara Palin - Grizzley Mama and Mama Grizzley. I can see the logo of a rampant female Grizzley with bloody claws from mauling the Democrat Jackass and GOPachyderm!

But that could only happen in Birktopia, the parallel universe where I'm the Supreme Being.

 

NIGHTMARE SCENARIO: Nothing short of 1) a major Congress-killing nuclear attack on the U.S. Homeland or 2) the impact of an asteroid followed by the declaration of Martial Law and the "temporary suspension" of our Constitutional Rights by Executive Order can save the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvannia Avenue.

God forbid!

Forget "The Buffett Rule!" Go To The "Buttfit Rule!" It's A Much Faster Way To Wipe Out The Federal Government Debt And The Tax Revenue Shortfall As You Create Millions of JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!

WHO NEEDS A SPECIAL CONGESSIONAL SUPER COMMITTEE TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT AND LOOK FOR WAYS TO INCREASE REVENUE WHEN BIRK IS ON THE JOB?? LET THEM TAKE A WELL-DESERVED DAY OFF!

 JOHN KERRY CAN TAKE THEM ALL SAILING ON HIS NEW AUSTRALIAN-BUILT YACHT. Tax Avoidance II

Dear Pals,

I try to be helpful!

HERE ARE TWO POWERHOUSE BIRK IDEAS TO BOOST FEDERAL GOVERNMENT REVENUE:

The first creates revenue out of HOT AIR.

The second is a BROWN energy plan that goes beyond the "Carbon Footprint" to the "Methane Buttprint."

1) Put Hot Air Discharge Meters on every home's chimney. Charge for chimney hot air emissions this winter.

It would make people turn down their heat and save energy. Mandatory winter setting: 50-degrees. Many are cold but few are frozen. Build the new meters right here in Alderman Antonio French's ward and create JOBS! JOBS! JOBS! in North St. Louis!

Taxing Air...Genius!

2) Put in Federal Government toilet paper dispensers in every home (except Members of Congress), office, factory (except approved and exempt union-shops) and public and private facility. Exempt politicians and selected exempted unions would have a "Kiss My Pass" card that they could swipe to avoid payment.

3) This is an automatic debit or Cash program - so the revenue will flow in quickly! We'll be flush with do-do-re-mi!

4) There would also be a methane gas recapture feature in the toilet bowl that would suck in offensive gases and recycle them to the kitchen where they can be used to cook your oatmeal.

Take these steps now! We'll wipe out the $14-$16 Trillion in debt and the deficit in no time.

Call It:

THE AMERICAN JOB CREATION PAY AS YOU GO PROGRAM! 

This is a real "bottoms-down" program that everyone can get behind. There's "no ifs or ands" about it. But there are plenty of all-American butts of every shape, size, color and description!

GIVE FOLKS 4-TP Comfort Choices: Quilted Charmin, Comfy Downy, Thrifty 1-Ply All Green Natural Tree Bark or a page from ObamaCare!

Pay per the automatically dispensed sheet. Limit 6.5-sheets per person per sitting.

There is also the Toilet User Timer (TUT) to encourage productivity and focus. When the seat goes down it automatically starts a timer that gives the user 2.35 minutes to "get 'er done."

After that, the user is charged 1 cent per each additional minute or fraction thereof. After five minutes of under-over time the user recieves a 100,000 volt stimulus to speed them along.

I wanted to use "Fast and Furious" - to describe this asspect of the program, but it was already taken.

When all is said and done, the seat goes up and triggers a spritz of ACORN-scented FEDreeze that clears the air for only 3-cents per spritz.

QUICK CASH FEATURE: If the Federal Government ever needs more revenue, President Obama can just make another speech over the built-in Voice Of Brilliance feature in the toilet tank and literally scare up more revenue by scaring the do-do out of people with his policies and newest brilliant ideas.

BONUS REVENUE IDEA: Pay extra for TP imprinted with your "favorite" politician's picture. You can literally dump on the person who dumps on you! Available in racist-Republican and terrorist-Tea Party selections only. Sorry no Democrat party, ACORN or SEIU images are available.

WATER CONSERVATION: Every family gets one flush per week FREE. Charge $1.00 per every additional toilet flush!

Save water! Like the old California water shortage slogan said, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down!" A friend of mine in Palo Alto had this saying needle-pointed in a lovely frame in her very tony loo! She also had a brick in her toilet water tank to take up space and therby use less water. Corelia was as very classy and maybe, gassy lady!

JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!

This would create millions of new jobs!

Think of all the people who would be needed to manufacture, deliver and stock the TP-dispensers.

Think of all the people needed to make uniforms for the TP-dispenser stockers.

Think of the home delivery and distribution system! We could use new GREEN-powered wind-solar trucks painted YELLOW & BROWN!  A lighter shade of brown, than UPS though, to avoid potential confusion.

We could call the delivery system FedExcrement!  (Unless you think that might be too close to FedEx?)

Furloughed Post Office employees, idled Census Takers, fired Bank of America and Solyndra workers and long-time down-sized unemployed folks could do these simple no-tech jobs! And we'll need at least 140,000 new bureaucrats to mismanage the program. Maybe 200,000!

And, they can all be part of the SEIU, further fueling political contributions to President Obama via union dues.

Plus, while they are in your house, they can check and see what else is going on - like check in your medicine cabinet and nightstands for drugs or look in your closet to see if your wife has "too many shoes." Maybe you have a Gibson guitar in your closet!!

JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!

Who's the JO who put the BS in JOBS? ( Just Obama Bull Stuff! )

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: Federal Toiletpaper-Dispenser (FTD) fillers could also check your fridge's contents on the way out (after they've enjoyed their free lunch) just to make sure you are NOT abusing your kids by feeding them stuff that Mama Obama doesn't approve of. If they find "evidence" they will turn you in to the Twinkie Police, at Homeland Security.

The possibilities for ways that our government can help manage our lives - and create more tax revenue to lend via $500 million guaranteed loans to Solyendra and other GREEN ENERGY businesses owned by Obama campaign contributors that go bankrupt -  is virtually endless!

 Please get behind this!

Do your part to help President Obama!

Forget Buffett...THINK BUTTFIT!

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