This HUGE news is so politically little and earthshakingly inconsequentiall that it is oddly reassuring because it might not have caused a 5.6 Earthquake in Oklahoma near St. Louis, Missouri just moments before the narrative was posted.
RELEASE IMMEDIATELY TO: The Drudge Report.
Then release at the same time 45 days later to UPI, Reuters, Scripps-Howard, International Herald Tribune, Gannett, Pulitzer, Los Angeles Times, Times-Mirror and New York Times Syndicates. CBS, NBC, ABC, FOX, Comedy Central, Al Jazeera, MARVEL Comics, Investor's Business Daily, National Equirer, Toronto Sun Syndicate, Ladue News and ESPN 2
DATELINE: WASHINGTON and ST.LOUIS:
BYLINE: Hevin Korrigan - St. Louis Post-It Note
The rumor mill is working overtime as sources close to Presidential hopeful Herman Cain tried to tamp down the growing speculation that an obscure and otherwise unknown and often reviled blogger named "Birk" is being considered for a soon to be created new Cabinet Post in a Cain Administration as a blatant attempt to garner a big chunk of the moron and village idiot vote.
The Moron/village idiot voting bloc is "estimated at over 25 million," but not by the Reverand Jesse Jackson and "Even more, like 15 million voters," by the Reverand Al Notso Sharpton."
An anonymous spokesman reported to be part of the Cain Campaign's Inner outer upper circle needlessly embellished the unconfirmed, but undeniably redundant redundancy that only added fuel to the rumors of as yet to be verified factual speculation that pointed out the obvious, "While Birk is unquestionalby a Village Idiot and Moron of some self-proclaimed and - hithertofore unchallenged and undenied - esteem, we are not keeping our options open. We have had Poet Laureates in the past, but never a Secretary Of Humor.
"That said, as part of his new 'Lighten-up, brighten-up and get a sense of humor America' prelection initiative, Mr. Cain is keeping his options open," a former Gingrich staffer is reported to have said.
When asked how the new Cabinet post would be funded, the unidetified Cain spokesman said, "Birk would have to provide his own staff, he would have no budget and would have to underwite all of the efforts of the Office Of The Secretary American Humor. Birk would serve as a $1 a year man...and he would pay that dollar back into the General Revenue Fund. Seems only fair."
Both sides of the aisle and the middle of the road moderate extremists all agreed on one thing, "Birk can make us all laugh as he points out levels of absurdity that often go unheralded inside the beltway. He has his fingertips on the pulse of the beltbuckle and the EKG of Wall Street and the EXLAX of Main Street.
Birk has been described as VIRTUAL COCKTAIL OF HUMOR.
"He's like Will Rogers and the recently promoted Andy Rooney and deselected Ghadaffi Duck all rolled up into one blender with a dash of Henny Youngman and two spritizes of Don Rickles (don't think about that visual) and a quart of Buddy Hackett - all shaken, stirred and served over crushed ice and garnished with a sprig of Phyliss Diller with a Drew Carey chaser," an erstwhile female admirer denied.
Carl Cameron of FOX news said, "This could be the master stroke that could send Herman Cain surging into the White House in a tidal wave landslide!"
Greta Van Sustren added, "The huge bloc of morons and Village Idiot voters which went so strongly to OBAMA in 2008 might be split in two or even bifurcated by Birk. Even though he escaped the McCain, Obama could feel the pain of Cain.
Even the Hindenburgesque gas-bag otherwise know as Bob Bechel, a longstanding Democrat moron agreed, "This could be bad news for President George Bush, if Birk, an avowed Commonsenstarian continued to throw his inconsiderable support and influence behind McCain."
Birk himself is alleged to have said, "I'm leaning 100% in favor of Herman Cain and 50% in favor of Newt Gingrich and 35% behind Ron Paul." But he quickly added, "I'm not a Paul bearer, I could vote for Mitt Perry on a cold day in Hell."
The wily Birk played his cards very close to his vest as he taunted reporters with this cryptic gem. "I would accept the post of Secretary of Humor on one condition - I would require Lewis Black to work directly under me as my personal ball washer."
Crack reporter, "NFL Lockerroom Lynne" Snierson, Leslie Vissert's pal, out of New Hampshire by way of The Boston Globe and the late great St. Louis Sun looked puzzled as she asked Birk, "I didn't know you played golf?"
Birk replied, "I don't."
Stay tuned for more late breaking news from D.C. and St. Louis as this story gains decelerating momentum as throngs of voters begin to awaken.
EDITORS NOTE: Please Stop Here if you don't wish to annoy any Morons and Village Idiots, who like Birk were once under the influence and mind numbing spell of Acorn-Flavored Obama Juice.
Obama Juice can be used for the jucification of any action when liberally consumed! It's NOW available in the SUPER COMMITTEE Trillion Dollar Boondoggle size - ideal for another 99-weeks of unemployment enjoyment by hopeless slackasses the sucking off the system as they watch big screen TeeVee while texting on their IPhone from the cushy seat of a recently riotously liberated FREE Socialist Survival Sofa!
Remember Obama Juice is NOW fortified with even more of the secret entitlement ingredient BS-4U!
- 30 -
Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citzen of the Republic
PS: Please pass this along to all your clear thinking pals...that should not take to long.
PLEASE BUY MY NEW BOOK - DOUBLE WHAMMY - IT'S ON AMAZON.COM AND KINDLE!
"Remember The Future Because It Will Be The Past Before You Know It"
My new book is called: Don't Look At It My Way -
Or, As Smart As You Are I'm Not Nearly As Dumb As You Really Aren't