The Wise Buddha-hahahaha

No Blog Today...Because I'm On The Road To...

Morocco?

Bali?

Zanzibar?

Rio?

Timbuktu?

Shangrihla?

Monte Carlo?

Las Vegas?

West Palm?

Key West?

Costa Rico?

Paris?

Nope, I'm on the Road to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. 

And believe me, it's the one place on earth that I honestly, really and truly want to be.

Wish me luck...I'm a man on a mission today!

A mission that's very close to my heart.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

My "Madman McKay's Heart Attack In A Can" Brand Chili's Warning Label Will Drive The Hot Dog Police And Other Nutrition Nazis Wild! Here's Some Warning Labels We Really Need!!

Dear Pals,

Check out this article about the three "health activists" in New Jersey who want to have a cancer Warning Label put on HOT DOGS!

Does the stupidity of our legal system and the greed of exploitative lawyers have any bounds?

Okay, okay! This is almost a stupid as the college graduate who has filed suit against her university because she hasn't been able to find a job and because the university hasn't helped her "enough."

But that's another story...let's get back to hot dogs!

http://blogs.moneycentral.msn.com/smartspending/?fpn=lawsuit%20hot%20dogs%20need%20warning%20label

All I can say is, "I never met a hot dog or a chili dog that I didn't like. So keep your Warning Label off my weiner!"

Today it's The Hot Dog Police...what's next?

The Chili Cops?

The Gazpacho Gestapo?

The Pepperoni Police?

I actually wrote a Warning Label for a brand of canned chili I created. It is called: Madman McKay's Nutritionally Incorrect Heart Attack In A Can Chili. It's made using his original "Screendoor Of Hell" recipe. One 32 oz. can will feed one chili fanatic or 4 girl's colleges.

The front label of Madman McKay's Heart Attack In A Can brand chili features a photo of Madman McKay on his Harley Road King with his "personal assistant," Vickie DeMille snuggled up behind him. The entire back label is a hysterically funny Warning Label. We even invite people to write Madman McKay's assistant, the very vivacious and voluptuous Vickie DeMille, for less information.

I want to introduce it at Sturgis, Wyoming next year and give every Harley-lover a free can to "seed the demand" and then sell it via Harley dealer stores and on the Internet in a really unusual manner.

It's right here, all ready-to-go sitting on the Birk Idea Shelf - just waiting for one ballsy chili maker...say, maybe my Pal "The King of Catering," (a.k.a., Bigga Joe, "The Meatfather") would like to take a shot at this winning brand idea? 

Madman McKay's Heart Attack In A Can brand chili was a waaaaaaay too wild a category breakthrough idea for the Armour-Dial folks that I pitched it to out in Phoenix. A few weeks after the presentation, one "Brandie" actually told me they all secretly loved it but we're afraid they could never sell it to top management. So they didn't even try.

Enough about that...

Here's some other Warning Labels that we might need soon!

How about a Warning Label on Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales?  Lest some moron should read The Miller's Tale and then accidentally burn his hands and fingers while trying to shove a red hot poker up someone's keister at a Hollywood or Las Vegas pool party.

How about putting a Warning Label on Alligators, so morons don't try to pet them?

Or, putting a Warning Label on steamrollers warning morons not to lie down in front of them?

Whaddya say we put Warning Labels on all power drills, warning morons not to clean out their ears with them?

Of course, we'll need a Warning Label on all brands of bottled water - warning morons not to drink boiling water. Ditto for cooking oil, motor oil, creasote, kerosene, Witch Hazel, coal oil and turpentine.

Don't forget to put Warning Labels on forks cautioning morons about using the tines to remove their contacts!

Maybe we even need a Warning Label to keep morons from eating used cat litter to avoid getting feline leukemia?

And, of course, my favorite Food Warning Label Of All Time is for stewmeat: WARNING - Never hug a pitbull while wearing a stewmeat necklace.

How about putting a Warning Label on all Morons, so we can easily spot them at long distances and thereby avoid having to listen to their inane chatter and really stupid ideas.

We can start by putting the first batch of MORON WARNING LABELS on the foreheads of U. S. Congressmen and Senators who dream up stupid legislative ideas, like taking over Healthcare.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of what's left of The Republic 

PS: A Warning Label on all voting machines is a double-down-definite-do-now must, lest more deceased voters who are registered fraudulently continue to pull the levers, press buttons or half-punch the chads and re-elect the current batch of DEE CEE PECers.

The ACLU should sue somebody over election fraud!

Hey, wait a minute...how about having the ACLU sue ACORN??

That'll be the day hot dogs fly! 

The odds of having Bigga Joe call me today at 918-7500 about Heart Attack In A Can brand chili is a lot more likely. We'll see...

The Death Of Face-To-Face Conversation And The Birth Of The Age Of The Nanoprocessor Brain Chip: Is A Brave New World Coming Where "Thought Transmission" Will Trump Talking To Each Other?

Dear Pals,

Remember the quote about Desktop Publishing from back in the late 70's? "Thanks to this new desktop publishing technology, more people will now be able to create more bad advertising faster than ever before."

Now in the age of the twit, tweet, twat, twot, IM and the text, sext message, I'm afraid we have taken personal and marketing communications to a new low and even higher level of all invasive ubiquitousness, with an accompanying loss of quality in thoughtful ideers and corekt gramur an gud spellink.

Let me axe you a few questions...

1. As you navigate through your world each day, do you ever wonder...who are all of those seemingly robotic people on cell phones talking to?

2. What is so important that it needs to be texted instantly at the speed of thumb while driving, walking or running a mass transit commuter train?

3. Are you ever astounded at who is actually attempting to walk, talk, text and chew gum at the same time?

4. Is all of this social networking communication a PLUS or MINUS - or is it a zero-sum game?

Now I'm no Ludite, I have embraced new technology to some extent and must confess that I particularly enjoy writing my daily blog. It helps keep my mind active and writing skills honed.

It also allows me to have a semi-recreational outlet where I can safely express my arguably quirky-birky Libertarian ideas in some depth without getting knocked off a barstool.

When I commited to doing a daily blog for one year, I wanted to find out about the Internet and how the blogosphere worked firsthand. I was going to let it all "hang out" - figureatively speaking - and be prepared to accept both brickbats and bouquets.

Secretly, I wondered if one ordinary fat man -- alone in his den in the heart of the Midwest, wrapped in his cozy claret-colored Snuggie, slaving over a hot keyboard in the wee hours of the morning -- could make any difference at all by contributing to the national debate and participating in the marketplace of ideas.

This also caused me to think about writers and thinkers that I admire from days of yore.

One can't help but wonder what Thoreau might have written if he had Twitter. "Pond is calm. Lots of flies. Love and Hate it here. Free the slaves."

Or, would Emerson have written even longer and more insightful essays if he had a keyboard instead of a quill?

Would Lincoln have delivered The Emancipation Proclamation via LinkedIn?

Would Churchill have simply texted, "Blood. Toil. Tears. Sweat. Kill Nazis. WC"

Would Roosevelt have posted his exhortations on Facebook instead of chatting by the fireside?

Every age has had its communication breakthroughs.

Printing.

Moveable type.

Quill

Pencil

Telegraph.

Typewriter

Radio

Fountain pen

Television

Ballpoint pen

PCs

PDAs

cellular and digital photo telephony...and who know's what'll come next? 

Maybe future generations will have a Nanoprocessor chip containing all the information accumulated by mankind installed in their brains at the Born On Date. (The chip might even have an "expiration or Die On Date" in it too!)

Perhaps that's why so many depictions of aliens feature such big heads, big eyes and very small mouths. Maybe aliens evolved beyond speech because they had nothing to talk about anymore, since all the knowledge was already stored inside their brain's nanoprocessor chip and it used the brain's naturally occuring electro-magnetic synaptic pulses and thereby enabled them to "read minds" - each others...and ours too!

Now there's something to ponder...

Do you think all of this current infatuation with compulsive interpersonal communication is causing a pandemic of cultural attention deficit disorder?

For instsance, have you ever been talking to someone when their phone's ring tone starts playing Dixie, only to have them instantly divert their attention from you to the incoming call?

Are people actually addicted to cellular calling, texting, facebooking, blogging - and are we all becoming trapped in a wireless web of our own creation as we wander through the day?

Is the art of face-to-face conversation quickly dying - as electronic avoidance through message screening and the illusion of personal contact created by email and texting replaces in-the-flesh human contact? 

Does all of this contribute to better thinking and interpersonal communication? Or is it just more intrusion, static and noise? Or, in some cases, is it non-reponsive silence that simulataneously desensitizes and and depresses us?

How much real productivity in business is lost?

How much needless anxiety is created?

How much anger is instantly vented and transmitted by sending a hot-under-the-collar email or text message?

How many avoidable misunderstandings are created?

And, finally...what are people really interested in?

I must confess that when I view my blog's readership stats, that I am always surprised by which blogs pop up there because people are searching the web using long trail phrases or multiple keywords. 

I have had searches from Saudi Arabia, New Zealand, Australia, India, Japan and South Africa. Trackbacks have shown that some of my blogs were translated into other languages like Dutch, Italian, Spanish, German and even Canadian.

When you send out an email to your Pals, you never know who they might forward it too. Ditto on blogging, you never know where it will end up. It's surprising, interesting and sometimes just plain weird.

The old adage, "I shot an arrow into the air and where it lands I do not care, " applies to emails and blogs too!

Here's a little experiment: How many of you will click on the link below to learn about my Capstone Project? www.capstonepyramid.com

Hmmm...I wonder??

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: I hope you do check out The Capstone Project...it's near and dear to my heart.

I'm just tossing a pebble in the Internet Pond...who knows what will happen now?

BIRK 101: How To Collect From Chisling Deadbeats. Or 10 Highly Effective Questions To Ask For Immediate Payment When The Bill Is 120+ Days Past Due?

Dear Pals,

Everyone has some cash flow issues these days...but, some folks out there really are chisling deadbeats.

I have had a just a few incidents over the years when people, who originally came to us hat in hand and needed help in a hurry - then decided to ignore our bill after the work had been done, delivered and our subcontractors paid.

Now, I'm a very patient guy, some say, waaaaaaaaay too patient. Maybe that's because, I know and personally have been appreciative of the value of financial forebearance when honest people are caught in a jam.  

But after sending many invoice statements and many messages fail to get any response at all, there are 10 Highly Effective Questions that every chisling deadbeat needs to be asked.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO USE THEM:

1. How long is your right leg at this time?

2. Is your major medical insurance premium paid?

3. Is extensive dental work and oral surgery covered?

4. Which do you think hurts worst...a power drill or a nail gun?

5. Do you enjoy river swimming?

6. Do you really think dropping and rolling will put out napalm?

7. Do you enjoy holding your breath?

8. When you turn your car on, do you ever wonder what will happen when you put it in reverse or drive?

9. Do you know where to get a Handicapped Parking permit?

10. Did you ever see the Bass-O-Matic skit on Saturday Night Live? Have you heard of Hand-O-Matic?

Collecting money after the work has been delivered and used, is a very hard thing to do.

Thankfully I have many friends in interesting professions, who actually enjoy making a personal visit and having ONE friendly little private, mano y mano chat with a deadbeat.

It's in that little private visit when my emmissary of financial illumination asks Question 11 and 12.

11.  Do you mind if I wait here in your office and clean my Glock while you write the check?

12. Or, would you like me to pick it up at your home at a more convenient time, like 2:00 am?

When these simple questions are asked with a smile by my pal Joe, who looks like a very muscular and mean Andre The Giant, remarkable things happen quickly.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: The late great Al Capone said it best, "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun...than with a kind word alone."

BIRK 101: Unsolicited Advice On How To Make Your Marketing Efforts STAND OUT Instead Of Blending In And Drowning In The Sea Of Sameness.

Dear Pals,

I once had a client named Lefty Stern.

His real name was Hans L. Stern. ( I always suspected the L was for Lucifer). He let me do some of my best work ever...but, he could also bedevil me and be a super pain in the ass. But I learned a lot from him and he made me a better and more critical thinker.

So I pay the Devil his due!

To his credit, Lefty would admit that he wasn't very creative...and he would get out of the way and let you do your best work.

But first, he STERNly demanded your best thinking. He knew solid thinking when he heard it and he was never shy about sharing his views in a candid and totally unfiltered manner.

My "Uncork The Magic!" work for Korbel and my Daliesque Semper Idem campaign that used Braldt Brals for Bols Liqueurs were just two examples of campaigns that Lefty "green lighted!"

Braldt's illustration, which he and I dreamt up over a very drunken dinner in a Tribecca restaurant and literally scribbled on a cocktail napkin, became The Advertising Illustration Of The Year and hung in the Museum of Modern Art in New York for a year and was written up with high praise and accolades for both creativity and solid marketing strategy in Ad Age.

While this may sound like an Ad myth or an episode of Mad Men, if I'm lying about this, may Almighty God strike me and Braldt Brals dead! (Semi-interesting Footnote: I had met Braldt Brals while working on Celestial Seasonings - Braldt illustrated boxes for Mo Seigel.)

Lefty had a great saying. Whenever he looked at advertising that made no sense, he would say, "Now there's an execution in search of an idea."

That's worth repeating BIGGER and in BOLD type:  "Now there's an execution in search of an idea."

I see ads like this every day. Unfortunately, so do you.

Ads that are so "creative and clever" that they actually obscure the sponsor and forget to present any sales motivation.

Many ads are literally "jokes" or funny mini-sitcoms that are made largely to win awards at creative group lovefests and for the demo reels of upwardly mobile creative types.

BIG FAT NEWS FLASH: The purpose of marketing and advertising is NOT to make you laugh or smile. It is to predispose you to actually buy something from someone...product, service, Sham-Wow, bag of Fritos, Cialis!

How often have you said, "I saw this great ad!" ?

And, then went on to describe the TV spot's action in great detail, maybe you even repeated a funny line or two - but when pressed, you could not recall the advertiser.

OOOPs!

It happens so often, because most ads are EXECUTIONS in search of an IDEA. And, more importantly, in search of a strategic SELLING idea!

Amigos, even a breakthrough-the-clutter ad can fail if the sponsor's name and the product's benefit is not recalled. Worse still is a commercial where there is no compelling reason presented to cause a sale to be motivated or even considered

I see it happen every day.

It's because there are a lot of unseasoned and unreasoning people playing at "Marketing and Advertising."

That's why we follow The 4-step ORCA process that puts you on the fast path to cash.

I always ask prospective clients, "Do you want to sell something today...or someday?"

We are the "sell it today" guys.

There is an old saying in the fresh produce business, "Sell it or smell it."

I must pause here and confess that I get a little weary of hearing people who don't have a marketing bone in their body babble on about "branding" like it's something totally new.

Ever look on a cow's ass?

There is a brand there?

Ever look at a set of medieval Apostle Spoons...there is a master craftsman's brand there.

Ditto on Paul Revere's silverware.

Branding is a mark of distinction and professional craftsmanship that has been around for a long long long time. It was not invented in 2009...2008...2007...2006...2005...2004...2003...2002...1856...1259...3 A.D., you get the idea.

And don't let anybody BS you...the same tried and true principles of marketing still apply on the Internet and in the "new media" as they did in the days of "hot type."

When you blog everyday like I do...you learn a lot by doing.

Sure there are Internet tricks and techniques...but, the core principles of marketing communications, advertising and promotion are still the same. 

The Internet is just the latest medium...the latest place where you can create an exposure pattern for an execution in search of an idea or a compelling idea that actually resonates with surfin' Sally and digital Dan.

For ease of understanding and branding, I boiled these core concepts down into the O-R-C-A acronym 16-years ago:

O - Organization - get all your ducks and data and selling resources aligned. We use our White Room ideation techniques to generate a Value Proposition and Full Circle matrix as the template and marketing communications roadmap.

R - Research - verify and validate ALL your assumptions. Do NOT assume anything! Always get an INDEPENDENT REALITY check, don't believe your own PR releases or "Yes sir, boss," views from your own payroll-dependent staff. Ask people who don't know you and love you about the proposed execution.

C- Creativity - Don't be a Wuss! Take some well-calculated and well thought out risks. Don't blend into the Sea of Sameness, because your message will drown there.

Dare to STAND OUT and be outstanding!

Creativity that resonates inside a customer' core belief system will produce outcomes that are exponentially superior by a factor of 10X to 50X.

A - Action - Deploy your resources is a disciplined and consistent competition-killing Stosskroft...a dynamic punch that is focused on your target audiences like a laser beam and delivered with the pulverizing impact of General Electric bullet train hitting a brickwall at 220 mph.

That's what O-R-C-A stands for and delivers.

Being creative is NOT enough...creative ideas hava to be backed up by deep-dive research, sound strategic thinking and flawlessly executed synergistic marketing communication components like website, Point-of-Sale, TV and radio commercials, product blogs, customer surveys, sales support literature, ecatalogs and targeted media and emedia advertising.

It all works together best when orchestrated by hard won professional expertise and lots of experienced sales-oriented thinking.

If you're just looking for Awareness and Branding, wear a purple suit with a yellow fedora festooned with a red ostrich plume. Mission Accomplished.

But, if you want to "sell something today...instead of someday," call the killer whale guys...let ORCA create a competition killing concept for your company.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: 314-918-7500 will get me. If I'm not in ask for The Clueless Bastard. ( SEE Blog of 06-25-09)

PS2: Think your problems are serious? Imagine being in Teheran.

 How about adding the message below to every email you and your pals send out, I'll bet that if enough of us ordinary U.S. Citizens did it, the message would get through to the brave souls there:

To all the liberty-seeking people of Iran from the liberty-loving people of America: COURAGE!

The torch of liberty when lit by even the smallest spark can never be extinguished in the heart of man.

BIRK 101: Unsolicited Advice On How To Create A New Business In A Difficult Time In The Mortgage Industry! Congratulations To My Pal, Carolyn Dillow The LPPRO!!

Dear Pals,

It's easy to create a new business. 

All you have to do is see a need and fill it.

Hahahahahahaha!

If only that was true.

Carolyn Dillow knows better.

I had the pleasure of helping her launch her business, The LPPRO. She is the consumate Loan Processing PROfessional, hence the name choice which also embodies her positioning statement.

Carolyn has a special expertise in loan processing and 15-years of daily experience in handling all the tedious details connected with mortgage financing, credit and compliance issues and the blizzard of regulatory paperwork that leads up to a "smooth and flawless closing."

Carloyn loves this kind of work...it is her forte! She is one of the most detail-oriented people I have ever met. The complexity of what she does would make me wonder, "Now where did I put my .357?"

But to Carolyn, managing complexity, human relations and problem-solving is second nature. Her first nature is she is a truly kind-hearted, extremely patient and very nice human being.

When the mortgage industry tanked, a lot of mortgage bankers and brokers had to rapidly down-size and they quickly off-loaded their staff of loan processors due to shrinking mortgage volume.

Carolyn Dillow stepped boldly into that vacuum with this: Value Proposition - Let The LPPRO be your loan processing professional.

She dug into her savings, bought state-of-the-art equipment, attended many technolgy seminars and created an Internet-enabled system that would make the detailed and tedious process of loan documentation easy and efficient.

Then she called me and we helped her set up her marketing plan and sales-cycle support components.

Knowing that many loan originators were now struggling to do loan origination with one hand and trying to manage loan processing with the other; we told these struggling mortgage brokers:

 "Let Us Unbog You!"

Let The LPPRO let you do what you do best...Originate Loans! While you're busy being productive on the loan origination side, The LPPRO will handle all the tedious and time-consuming compliance and ever-changing regulatory details that can bog you down and keep you from making money.

It was a simple, clear and timely solution to market conditions.

At first nothing happened.

The market was terrible.

Mortgage activity slowed down to a snail's pace. Actually, for a while, a snail's pace would have actually looked like a rocket sled in comparison to the pace of new mortgage activity.

Undaunted Carolyn plowed ahead, fully committed.

As they say in poker, "She was all in!"

She made her calls.

Made her mailings.

She worked her phones, polished her website and networked everywhere she could.

In the midst of all this, she had an accident and broke her collar bone; that would have side-lined many folks...not Carolyn...she never missed a beat and pressed on in her "fashionable sling."

Still nothing happened.

Carolyn redoubled her efforts.

More mailings, Google ads, more meetings.

More calls on the phone and more face-to-face meetings with anyone who would listen.

All during this time when the market was as dead as a doornail and nothing was cooking, Carolyn was out there positioning The LPPRO for the day when those down-sized brokers would have an uptick in business and be faced with these choices:

1. Rehire and restaff with their own in-house loan processors - along with a full lug of salary, benefits and other attendant payroll and administrative expenses.

2. Or, they could maintain their new lower and more profitable overhead structure and off-load their loan processing work to the highly-skilled, very efficient and very affordable loan processing professionals at The LPPRO.

Well guess what??

As the market picked up, Carolyn's once silent incoming 1-800-number phones began to ring. Her hard work and long hours were finally beginning to bear fruit. Not only here, but from across the country.

Carolyn's The LPPRO "Let Us Unbog You!"  tune was now music to a lot of people's ears.

Congratulations my dear Pal, I'm proud to have been able to help you.

But at the end of the day, as Carolyn can attest, there is NO SUBSTITUTE for those two most feared FOUR LETTER WORDS!

H-A-R-D    W-O-R-K!

Here's where mortgage loan originators from across the USA can find her: service@thelppro.com

Short. Simple. Easy to Remember, and can you dig that first word?

S-E-R-V-I-C-E-!

Carolyn knows that's where it's at, man!

Go cat go!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: There is an old saying, "When Opportunity knocks, it is often not recognized because it is dressed in work clothes."

BIRK 101: Unsolicited Advice On How To Use The "Hole In The Sweater" Technique To Find Out How Really Good Your Customer Service Is Or Isn't. Enter The TWOT...a.k.a. "The Clueless Bastard."

Dear Pals,

One of my greatest physical attributes is my complete lack of any physical resemblance to Brad Pitt.

Looking like an ordinary schmoo enables me to dress up in many clever disguises and do a lot of one-on-one personal research by actually going out into the real world and testing my assumptions and the claims of clients, their competitors and prospects.

One of my favorite mystery shopper characters is "The Clueless Bastard."

The Cluless Bastard (CB) wears an old mishapen sweater with a small hole dead center in the chest.

Behind the hole is a white undershirt to emphasize the hole's visibility.

The CB's shoes are the lace-up type, scuffed, brown and mis-tied. His pants are rumpled and not freshly washed. For added effect an old pair of glasses with piece of well-fingered off-white tape holding on one ear piece is the crowning touch.

The CB sends an instant and telegraphic message to all sales and customer service personnel.

This guy is a TWOT! (Total Waste Of Time) RUN!!! Disappear into the stock room! FLEE!!

I have used the CB disguise many times and it never fails to bring out the very worst and very best in a sales and/or customer service person.

I have also developed the well-cultivated the "near-drool," stupid glassy-eyed stare that either causes sales people to excuse themselves from my presence to handle an emergency on Mars; or causes the truly gifted to take the CB by the hand and patiently answer my questions about a product that I'm interested in.

I have used The Clueless Bastard many times and I'm often amused by how many salesmens' eyes continually focus on the hole in my sweater and how little real eye contact they actually have with me.  I think that well-endowed women might be able to relate to this phenomenon too.

Still other sales people, look past the CB's appearance and see a potential buyer...a guy who obviously needs help and who might actually appreciate and respond with cash to a little human contact and interest.

If you think you have great customer service...let's put it to the test.

My old holey-sweater is ready.

Just call 314-918-7500 and ask for The Clueless Bastard.

That's me.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: The Clueless Bastard works equally well in plumbing the customer service and sales skills of any type of business, but I must confess it is the most fun is in up-market or highline retail locations where big ticket items are presented with panache to sophisticated well-heeled buyers.

I also have a female friend who plays the CFD (The Confused Fashion Disaster), she's ideal in places catering to a female clientele.

I always tell my clients, "There is nothing like doing your own reconaissance. Custer would still be alive if he had only looked over the hill."

BIRK 101: Unsolicited Marketing And Advertising Advice On How To Successfully Demographically, Geographically, Psychographically And Behaviorally Profile A Potential Customer And End Up Losing The Sale.

Dear Pals,

There is a lot of emphasis today on customer targeting and profiling.

Target customers are profiled by demographics, psychographics and geographics and even micro-behavioral and attitudinal metrics. Plus, data is even collected from scanned UPC bar-codes whenever you checkout in grocery stores and mega-Marts.

____________ Side Journey To A Marketing Insight ___________

How did you think you got those instant cash register coupons on the purchase of pantyhose and cat litter? Marketers know from tons of research that purchasers of cat food are definitely users of cat litter and are more than likely women.With a very high density of Single women.

They also know that the cat replaced the family dog as the Number 1 pet in America because of birth control pills.

Huh??

That's right! 

Birth control pills enabled women to be sexually active and allowed them to pursue careers and actually marry much later in life.

Dogs that require walking and dog sitters, were replaced by cats as women were then free to leave them alone -with food and water and litter- while they traveled for both business and pleasure. No need to hurry home after work to "let the dog out!"

Hence the much more independent and "carefree" cat surpassed "the family dog" to become America's Number 1 pet.

_____________________ Now back to our main topic ______________

No one wants to waste any time talking to unqualified people. Pre-qualifying the customer is the ideal way to optimize the efficiency of sales personnell, marketing dollars and that precious commodity called, time.

Its all about the use of resources, time and manpower efficiency in producing optimized sales per manhour through the science of statistical and behavioral analysis in an algorithmic predictive matrix with a propensity to purchase product probability index of 110 or higher.

But at the end of the day, customers defy the rules and selling in some categories is still an art ...and, when it comes to mining the gold in prospective customers, you can't always judge the book by the cover. (I know this from my own personal experience with Paul Berhend of the Berhend Brothers of Wichita Falls, Texas. He was the largest Purina dealer in the world...but he was cleverly disguised as an ordinary ranch hand...right down to the dried manure encrusted on his boots and the dark sweat-stain around the hat band on his old, crumpled fedora.)

EXAMPLE ONE: An Anecdotal Tale.

Many years ago two men desparately in "need of a shave" and dressed in well-worn bib overalls and faded flannel shirts walked into a Cadillac dealership in Minnesota. They had parked a beat-up pickup truck out front.

Every salesmen in the place gave them the "once over" and quickly decided to "pass on this 'UP'."

If ever two guys looked like a waste of time, it was these lumbering near-Neanderthals.

Finally, after watching the two poke about the new Cadillacs for about 10-minutes one of the older salesmanagers suggested that the least experienced and youngest salesman on the floor should handle them. Thinking the kid would learn something from the encounter. And, it would probably be good for a few laughs to boot.

The young salesman extended his hand in friendship and asked the two scruffy looking northwoodsmen, "Can I help you?"

The return handshake from the biggest man was firm and nearly fracturing. The man said, "Yes we'd like to buy some Cadillacs."

The young salesmen - thinking he had misheard them - simply smiled and asked, "New or used?"

"New," the old man answered.

"Will you need need financing?" the salesman continued.

"No, we always pay cash," and with that the old man pulled a wad of cash out of his bib overalls that would have choked a giant sperm whale.

The salesman asked, "Which Cadillac would you like?"

"I like this red one, but Mama said get a blue one and my son wants a yellow one and Grandma needs one with a big trunk for haulin' her can goods and quilting racks around..."

The salesman ended up selling FIVE (5) brand new Cadillacs for cash on the barrelhead to the scruffy man in the flannel shirt and bib overalls.

"What name should I put on the sales receipt?" the salesman enquired.

"Ole Evinrude."

Yep, it was the guy who invented the Evinrude outboard motor.

EXAMPLE TWO: A story I know is True.

A long-haired darkly-tanned and weathered 'beach bum'  in need of a shave, wearing flip flops, way-too-short swimming trunks and a faded "wife-beater" tee shirt came into the Porsche showroom at dealer A and leaned on a $90,000 roadster to get a better look inside.

An alert salesman seated comfortably behind his desk called out from across the showroom, "Hey buddy! Don't touch that car! You'll leave finger prints on it!"

The "beach bum" looked up and smiled at the salesman. Then he walked around the highly-polished Porsche and left his big oily palm prints on every surface.

Shocked by this act of defiance, the salesman yelled, "You better get outta here...before I call the cops."

The 'beach bum' gave the salesman the "Hawaiian thumb and little finger salute" and then left.

The salesman's parting shot was, "Don't come back!"

The 'beach bum' went out on to the parking lot and got into his filthy two-year old Porsche that had been parked in a private garage at the airport for the past 4-months.

About an hour later, the 'beach bum' called me.

"Hey Birkie, I stopped in to buy a new Porsche because when I got back from Mauii on the red-eye this morning, my car was really dirty from sitting at the airport all winter...so I thought, Hell, why not pick up a clean one on the way home."

I said, "Sounds great!"

Then he added, "Not so great for you." 

He told me the story and how he had been treated at Porsche dealer A and how he had left there and driven directly to Porsche dealer B where he bought a new Porsche with a check for just shy of 100-grand.

He told the boys there to deliver it to him the next day, because he was 'running late.'

There was no trade-in, because he decided to give the two-year old Porsche to his state-side girlfriend and he actually told her, "I'm sorry it's dirty Honey, but I missed you so much that I wanted to hurry to see you and I didn't have time to wash it."

Turns out the "beach bum" had just returned from 4-months at his multi-million dollar winter home on Mauii. He is the owner of a huge company.

I could go on...but the moral of these two stories is: Assume nothing. Things are often NOT as they appear.

Everyone is a potential customer.

But not everyone is a salesman.

And there are even fewer true customer-oriented-service/sales folks.

Visual profiling can be wrong...very wrong!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: FINAL TRUE STORY: A few Saturdays back a sweet little 60-year old lady successfully scammed a very smart Pal of mine out of a new $50,000+ car with a check written on a closed account.

They found out when they delivered a "Thanks for your Business" fruit basket on Monday afternoon to her home address.

She had not lived there in two years and her house had been foreclosed on.

OOOOPS!

As Mark Twain said, "Trust everybody. But, cut the cards."

An Unabashedly Direct Commercial Message: "If You Snooze, You Lose!" Or, While Others Sleep...You Can Build Your Business, Brands And Market Share! ORCA Is Here To Help You Make It Happen With A Stosskroft!!

Dear Pals,

I'm always on the new business trail, because "nothing happens until somebody sells something."

Believe it or not, now is an ideal time to really pour on your marketing-coals to generate exponential impact and power!

Why?

Because so many other marketers have pulled way way way way back and thereby created a huge "competitive opening" for the really smart, disciplined and aggressive long-term players. It's also created a "buyer's market" in many types of media as they chase fewer dollars.

There is a HUGE opportunity to gain market share and build brand awareness, trial and use, right now.

The German High Command in "The Great War" (1914-1918) used a tactic called Stosskroft...or "Dynamic Punch," it is a competition-pulverizing tactic that we can show you how to deploy on behalf of your company.

We have plenty of capacity and creative horsepower available and many underemployed or unemployed people are knocking on our doors every day. There is a lot of additional TALENT and brainpower that we can marshal and array on your behalf due to the "economic contraction."

Please let all your Pals know about the quality of our work, expertise, experience and marketing prowess. All referrals are appreciated! 

Thanks Pals and gracias mi Amigos y Amigas!

Tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled Mischief & Mayhem.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: Ask about our NEW CLIENT Discount!!

(There isn't one...but you can ask about it anyway. At ORCA, everybody gets the same fair and square deal. In God We Trust...everybody else pays cash.)

A Tip Of The Hat To Joe Weinmann! How Doing Their Wurst Got Joe And His Brother John, Honored For Being The Best!

Dear Pals,

A few weeks back, my pal Joe Weinmann was honored along with his brother John Weinmann as Businessmen Of The Year for their achievement in building a "sawdust on the floor" butcher shop up to become the largest volume meat and catering company in town.

It is a fitting honor that was long overdue for this duo! Today Joe and John have their sons, Tim and Steve working side-by-side with them in Wurstland. So the new Weinmann generation is now in full swing everyday down on Weber Road.

Kenrick's fleet of mobile locomotive-look barbecue pits are standard fixtures at church picnics, company parties, family reunions, store openings and all kinds of social doings all over town. Including hundreds, if not thousands of wedding receptions, over the years at the Gambrinus Hall...where doing The Hokey-Pokey is truly something to behold!

One of the prime reasons for Kenrick's "overnight success" after 64-years in business (it was founded in 1945 and Joe bought the tiny shop back in the 70's) is Joe's winning personality.

Joe truly is one of America's natural-born comedians and he often makes himself the butt of his own hilarious real life misadventures. (Like the day he decided to paint his home yellow...and his brother-in-law, Rodney called on the phone, just as Joe reached the top of the ladder.)

Underneath his self-effacing nature is a heart of gold and a very keen and intuitive mind. Joe is a life long learner, a calculated risk taker and a real embodiment of The Spirit of Rugged Individualism.

He is an entrepreneuer spelled with a capital: E N T R E P R E N E U E R. Although Joe would probably say something like, "Entrepreneuer, I can't even pronounce it...let alone spell it!"

Joe is not afraid to use four-letter words either...like H A R D and W O R K and L O V E.

He has always worked hard and loved his customers...who he magically turns into friends.

At the award dinner where the honors were presented, Joe's son Tim was a surprise speaker and like all good sons; he told a few stories about growing up and working in the business with his Pop and Uncle John.

When it came Joe's turn to say a few words, he told me he was so overcome with emotion and he became flustered and departed from his prepared remarks and just "spoke from the heart."

That's the way he lives his life too...from the heart.

Here's a big tip of the hat from The Adman Madman to Joe The Butcher!

With warmest wishes for many more years of happiness and success in family and life and business too!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: If you need Vampire Protection, pick up a container of "Joe's Special Olives." There is enough garlic in there to kill any "creature of the night."

And, God are they goooooood!

WARNING: Separate bedrooms are highly recommended after consuming Joe's Special Olives.