In my madvertising career I wrote a ton of screaming, yelling super hyperbolic "attention getting" crap for 4th Of July Sales Events.
I'm the guy who wrote, "Save More! Now!"
My pal Buckeye Stamminator's motto is, "If you ain't yellin', you ain't sellin'!!"
TV advertising is full of confusing crapola and clutter. It is a constant battle to "get attention."
A car dealer pal of mind once challenged me to create "an unforgettable image" for him on TV.
I said I could do it, but I didn't think he had the cahones to actually run it.
He said, "Try me."
I said, "Here's the idea: You are Capt. Insanity! Your dealership is the Home Of Insanely Low Prices On High Value Cars."
He seemed to be with me so far...
Then I said, "You wear a wide-brimmed purple felt hat with a long yellow plume and a leopard skin jock over a day-glo body suit with the Capt. Insanity logo on the chest."
He said, "I think - "Capt. Insanity" - might offend the mentally ill and a lot of them are my customers and relatives."
I retorted, "I'm certifably nuts and it doesn't offend me."
He nodded in agreement, but seemed unconvinced as he replied, "I just don't feel comfortable with the whole Capt. Insanity idea."
I said, "We could make it Admiral Insanity!
"But you haven't heard the whole idea! Here's the piece de resistance, you are surrounded by Capt. Insanity's Buccaneer Babes...a cadre of big busted blonde beauties with coppertone tans wearing canary yellow micro-bikinis. They are holding Big Buccaneer Bucks - emblematic of the BIG BUCKS you'll save!"
"That might offend other women...but, how many Buccaneer Babes would there be?" he asked.
I sensed he was warming to the idea. I moved in with the big close.
I said, "Plus! To make women prospects happy, we would hire only young Chippendale-style salesmen and call them The BIG SAVINGS BUCANNEERS...or "BIG BUCKS" for short or long, as the case may be!
"Most women can appreciate a big buck Adonis. Plus! we'll never offend any real man-lovin' women - because we'll only run TV on Macho-Media in testaterone-laden shows like Wrestling, Boxing, Kick Boxing, Golf, Soccer, PTI, Australian Rules Football and Dwarf Tossing."
He sat in stony silence for 5-excrutiatingly long minutes. He was rolling the idea around in his head.
Then he broke wind and the silence and said, "Well I guess it wouldn't hurt to take the next step and do some auditions."
That was nearly 25-years ago.
At last count he had audItioned 1267 Buccaneer Babes.
He actually hired three.
They are still on the payroll today.
They are now known as Ex-A, Ex-B and Ex-DD. (He's still looking for Ex-Stacy)
He never ran my unforgettable, breakthough Capt. Insanity campaign.
But everytime I see the wily rascal, he thanks me for the idea.
He once told me that he pitches the idea to "auditionees" this way:
"I'm thinking of doing a new TV campaign. I'm going to be Capt. Insanity and I need a great looking Buccaneer Babe as my First Mate. You look like you might fill the bill perfectly - you're smart, witty, with great ( name of color ) eyes, beautiful golden hair with a fabulous face and smile that is, well, mesmerizing.
"All we have to do is see what your C-IQ is. That's your Capt. Insanity Quotient. Would you like to audition this weekend at my home down at The Lake? Bring half of a bikini because we're going to Party Cove. We'll see how insane you can get."
He is a great salesman.
He is a very grateful guy too.
These days, he's down in the Keys near Marathon most of the year.
He named his new 55-foot boat the...Capt. Insanity III!
He named his little dinghy...Bless You Birk!
Have a very Happy 4th!!
Birk, Commonsensetarian, Citizen of the Republic and Hypemeister to the All Car All Stars
PS: If you are interested in an C-IQ audition or a breakthrough advertising/marketing/sales promotion or new product concept, contact me at [email protected]