The Wise Buddha-hahahaha

The Greatest TV Campaign That Never Ran! Shoe Blowout! Explosive Tent Sale! Furniture Fireworks Weekend! The Hype For The 4th Is Enough To Make You Drink A 5th And Hangover On The 6th!

Dear Pals,

In my madvertising career I wrote a ton of screaming, yelling super hyperbolic "attention getting" crap for 4th Of July Sales Events.

I'm the guy who wrote, "Save More! Now!"

My pal Buckeye Stamminator's motto is, "If you ain't yellin', you ain't sellin'!!"

TV advertising is full of confusing crapola and clutter. It is a constant battle to "get attention."

A car dealer pal of mind once challenged me to create "an unforgettable image" for him on TV.

I said I could do it, but I didn't think he had the cahones to actually run it.

He said, "Try me."

I said, "Here's the idea: You are Capt. Insanity! Your dealership is the Home Of Insanely Low Prices On High Value Cars."

He seemed to be with me so far...

Then I said, "You wear a wide-brimmed purple felt hat with a long yellow plume and a leopard skin jock over a day-glo body suit with the Capt. Insanity logo on the chest."

He said, "I think - "Capt. Insanity" - might offend the mentally ill and a lot of them are my customers and relatives."

I retorted, "I'm certifably nuts and it doesn't offend me."

He nodded in agreement, but seemed unconvinced as he replied, "I just don't feel comfortable with the whole Capt. Insanity idea."

I said, "We could make it Admiral Insanity!

"But you haven't heard the whole idea! Here's the piece de resistance, you are surrounded by Capt. Insanity's Buccaneer Babes...a cadre of big busted blonde beauties with coppertone tans wearing canary yellow micro-bikinis. They are holding Big Buccaneer Bucks - emblematic of the BIG BUCKS you'll save!"

"That might offend other women...but, how many Buccaneer Babes would there be?" he asked.

I sensed he was warming to the idea. I moved in with the big close.

I said, "Plus! To make women prospects happy, we would hire only young Chippendale-style salesmen and call them The BIG SAVINGS BUCANNEERS...or "BIG BUCKS" for short or long, as the case may be!

"Most women can appreciate a big buck Adonis. Plus! we'll never offend any real man-lovin' women - because we'll only run TV on Macho-Media in testaterone-laden shows like Wrestling, Boxing, Kick Boxing, Golf, Soccer, PTI, Australian Rules Football and Dwarf Tossing."

He sat in stony silence for 5-excrutiatingly long minutes. He was rolling the idea around in his head.

Then he broke wind and the silence and said, "Well I guess it wouldn't hurt to take the next step and do some auditions."

That was nearly 25-years ago.

At last count he had audItioned 1267 Buccaneer Babes.

He actually hired three.

They are still on the payroll today.

They are now known as Ex-A, Ex-B and Ex-DD. (He's still looking for Ex-Stacy)

He never ran my unforgettable, breakthough Capt. Insanity campaign.

But everytime I see the wily rascal, he thanks me for the idea.

He once told me that he pitches the idea to "auditionees" this way:

"I'm thinking of doing a new TV campaign. I'm going to be Capt. Insanity and I need a great looking Buccaneer Babe as my First Mate. You look like you might fill the bill perfectly - you're smart, witty, with great ( name of color ) eyes, beautiful golden hair with a fabulous face and smile that is, well, mesmerizing.

"All we have to do is see what your C-IQ is. That's your Capt. Insanity Quotient. Would you like to audition this weekend at my home down at The Lake? Bring half of a bikini because we're going to Party Cove. We'll see how insane you can get."

He is a great salesman.

He is a very grateful guy too.

These days, he's down in the Keys near Marathon most of the year.

He named his new 55-foot boat the...Capt. Insanity III!

He named his little dinghy...Bless You Birk!

Have a very Happy 4th!!

Birk, Commonsensetarian, Citizen of the Republic and Hypemeister to the All Car All Stars

PS: If you are interested in an C-IQ audition or a breakthrough advertising/marketing/sales promotion or new product concept, contact me at info@orcastl.com 

Ann Hedonia...I Think I Dated Her In College. Is It Possible To Enjoy Life And Sex? Oh Boy! Am I Opening Pandora's Box, Or The Golden Door To Significant Wealth Creation? Here's Some Astonishing SEX Research!! It's A Great Opportunity For Savvy Females!

Dear Pals,

Anhedonia—is the inability to enjoy what should naturally be pleasurable.

The Hedonist says, "If it feels good do it!"

The Enthusiast says, "If it feels good let's do it at least 3 times!"

The Anhedonist says, "If it feels good, you shouldn't feel good about doing it and you probably should feel guilty and perhaps even ashamed."

I have a sneaking suspicion that Anhedonia may be the number one killer of romance in America and robust sex lives in tens of thousands of marriages.

Here's some research to back up my contention.

In a SEX LIFE SATISFACTION survey of 26,065 Men and 36,343 Women (39% more Women than Men 10,278) conducted between May and July 2010 by AskMen.com and Cosmopolitan.com here's what people reported.

SEX LIFE SATISFACTION CATEGORIES:

I AM COMPLETELY SATISFIED - Men 13% Women 25%

I AM SOMEWHAT SATISFIED - Men 41% Women 45%

I AM NOT AT ALL SATISFIED - Men 23% Women 13%

I HAVE NO SEX LIFE - Men 23% Women 13%

Hmmmm...I'm going to make one assumption. These are not hermits or way out weirdos. They are active average and normal people - readers of AskMen.com and Cosmopolitan.com - while I have not seen all underlying age and demographic data - these are huge sample sizes - 26,065 Men and 36,343 Women a total sample of 62,408 people is statistically very significant.

NOTE: A poll of 1200 to 2000 people is considered to be a good national sample in most research studies. This survey is 31.2 times that number. I think it is very stable and highly predictive and extremely directional from a marketing perspective.

So what did I get out of it?

There is an opportunity to improve the SEX LIVES of 87% of the Men and 75% of the Women in this study. That is HUGE.

What am I going to do about it?

Well, I have created a revolutionary new business concept to help these folks.

And, I'm actively looking for investors right now. The business model I have developed is a breakthrough product-sales-marketing concept that leverages the Internet social websites and is very robust with the potential to return millions of dollars in a very short time - less than 18 months.

Are you interested?

The investors have to be willing to risk an all-in total of $500,000 in total working capital , the maximum amount of capital at risk will be $300,000. The other $200,000 is in ready reserve marketing cash to ramp up once the intial marketing and sales results are in.

It is just prudent planning and prevents any capital calls. If the $200,000 is not needed because the cash flow is self-financing, then the capital will be either returned or reallocted at the investor(s) direction.

The downside risk is dwarfed by the upside potential.

Ideally, I want one savvy FEMALE financial partner. Frankly, women get this idea instantly! Men get it too...but, women really get it!

But, I would consider up to 10 financial partners of any gender at $50,000 each in an ad hoc Private Equity Pool. The plan is to offer a First-In First-out return of investment capital plus 20%, then an on-going 10% participation in the net profit revenue stream and a 20% payout from a future sale within 60-months.

To learn about this opportunity, you'll have to sign an NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement) since proprietary information, intellectual property and trademark issues are involved. Serious inquires only: birk@orcastl.com

FYI: This is not X-rated, sexacuetical or pornographic, illegal or immoral in nature. Batteries are NOT required, either!

My business model offers a unique multi-generational idea that will appeal to many mainstream folks - both men and women - who want to improve their sex lives and take romance to a new and more delightful level. Anhedonists need not apply.

Birk, Commonsensetarian, Citizen of the Republic, Mob of One

PS: This is not a joke. I have all the research and a comprehensive business plan completed. Now all we need to do is add capital.

Shall we meet and chat?

Or, shall we let millions of men and women continue to suffer from anhedonia? 

The Best Of Times The Wurst Of Times. The Secret And True Story Of TLC Inspiration And Operation Saurkraut!

Dear Pals,

I grew up as a Southside sausage-eater emerging from the land of the Scrubby Dutch.

As a bonafide Krauthead, I am conversant with the finer aspects of TLC (Teutonic Love Cooking) and its aphrodisiac dimensions that are hidden from many. TLC is what gives me and my kinsmen our irresistable charms and formidable intellectual powers.

Believe it or not, the other night while wrestling with a dilemma on how to solve a marketing problem for a financial services client the answer came to me in a dream.

I had all the information I needed swirling around in a roiling Birk Brain Boil, but the solution was alluding me and resisting my best efforts.

So I decided to sleep on the problem and let the Night Shift, a.k.a. my subconscious mind, work it out in the collective creative unconsciousness.

Now this may sound like mumbo-jumbo, but folks like SRI (Stanford Research Institute) Professor Rhine of Purdue and the amazing Edgar Cayce and business guru Napoleon Hill all swear that it works. Even the Sufi poet, Rumi frequently alludes to it in his writings.

My own mentor, the late great William J. Sims personally thought me the technique of CSA or Creative Solution Assignment - the act of turning a problem over to the subconscious mind at night and then awakening with the perfect solution after the Night Shift had worked it all out.

Well, the answer to the financial marketing dilemma came to me like a knackwurst out of the blue...in the form of the word Saurkraut.

Yes!

S.A.U.R.K.R.A.U.T!   It is an acronym for the financial marketing solution.

Long ago I learned NEVER to doubt this source of inspiration.

So, I arose, typed up the solution and sent it off to Czechoslovakia where the financial guru client is vacationing - thousands of miles and 7-hours away in time.

Bingo! Bango! Bongo! Congo!

The idea resonated with him. Now we are collaborating on the process implementation from St. Louis to Seattle to a small town near Prague. Our work was greatly advanced and The Heads Of Agreement for the collaborative partnership effort is in full swing.

OPERATION SAURKRAUT is underway!

Birk, Commonsensetarian, Citizen of the Republic, Mob of One and Sage in the Snuggie

PS: I have experienced the wurst in life. I have also experienced the best TLC!

Expect the best!

Embrace the TLC!

And, if you're tossed the wurst dilemma in the world, it's always best to release TLC - the inner power of your subconscious Saurkraut!

If you're lucky enough to part Irish and German like me, you're twice blest because the Irish know how to release the creative power of Cabbage.

Kraut and Cabbage...it's a DOUBLE WHAMMY!

If you don't believe me, ask your Mammy!

Now there is a deep thought...sleep on it!

BANKENSTEIN: The Creature From Jekyll Island a.k.a. The Federal Reserve. The Unaccountable Power To Create Money Out Of Thin Air.

BANKENSTEIN: Installment One "It's ALIVE!"

 

Dear Pals,

 

If you think Bernie Madoff ran a big Ponzi Scheme...wait until you learn about The Federal Reserve System and its unholy alliance with the United States Department of the Treasury, the U. S. Government and Central Banks around the world.

 

I highly recommend G. Edward Griffin's book, The Creature From Jekyll Island - a Second Look At The Federal Resreve. It explains in spine-chilling details how the Federal Reserve system is primarily responsible for much our current economic crisis.

 

He reveals facts about the initial secret meeting where the Federal Reserve was created, and the surprising reality of the Fed's structure and purpose.

 

Including the veiled political reasons for the existence of its network of puppet Federal Reserve Branch Banks sprinkled around the hinterlands away from the real control chokepoints in New York and Washington, D. C.

 

A BIT OF HISTORY: In 1910, the United States faced severe problems with banking in individual states, and voters were demanding "reform."

(Sounds familiar...doesn't it?) 

The plans for the Federal Reserve were drawn up on Jekyll Island, a resort island off Georgia, that was privately owned by a group of billionaires. Fewer than a dozen people were involved in hatching the plot. This cabal created a cartel to control the monetary supply of America. The Federal Reserve name is just a clever "branding" effort to disguise its real ownership, mission and affliations.

 

What was created with the Federal Reserve is a "private banking cartel"  with its own set of rules that is virtually unaccountable to any entitiy including the United States government, the IRS and the ordinary citizens of the United States.

 

ASK ME NO QUESTIONS...I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES.

At a recent Senate Hearing, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke flatly refused to answer questions from our elected representatives.

 

He did not invoke the 5th Amendment...he invoked, "Banker's Priviledge."

 

There were NO consequences for his stony silence. NONE!

 

IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE, REMEMBER THIS:

The Federal Reserve is NOT part of the U.S. Government despite its high-toned name. It is a PRIVATE and SECRETIVE entitity controlled by a PRIVILEDGED FEW that in turn CONTOL THE BANKS AND THE MONEY SUPPLY OF AMERICA.

 

The Federal Reserve does as it pleases without accountabulity, oversight or consequences. It doles out banking and financial institution regulations under the guise of a psuedo-government agency, but - it operates outside the jurisdiction and oversight of any organization. It was and is and always will be actually serving to benefit the members of its own group of founders and their lineage organizations.

 

Members of the "cartel" are technically Americans, said Griffin-- the owners of the Federal Reserve System are the member banks in the U.S., but in many cases, we don't know who the controlling interests are in of some of the largest banks in America.

 

The Rockefellers remain a banking dynasty, but as Griffin says, "I'm sure if we were able to peel back all the layers we would find there's an interlocking network with European financial interests as well."

 

The move today is to coalesce all the world's banking into ONE global system, and it's quite out in the open, according to Griffen. Even Ron Paul has advanced and voiced similar concerns.

 

A HUGE DEBT PROBLEM:

It's a FACT that government and politicians spend more money than they take in in taxes, so they continue borrowing, building up the national debt.

 

And, so far, China has been buying that debt.

 

The Fed moves money hither and yon and to and fro to the government in a convenient partnership between the two, yet the Fed is creating funds out of thin air.

 

The Treasury Department doesn't even have to fire up the presses to "print money" and inventory the cash in bank vaults any longer.

 

Today the money is created "digitally" and "electronically transferred" by the Federal Reserve across the street, across the country and around the world in nano-seconds.

 

And, guess what? "Banker's Priviledge" keeps it all strictly hush-hush and out of sight and away from prying eyes.

 

The Fed  also allows its private member banks to have only 10% in capital reserves, and the ability to lend up to 90%, creating even more money out of nothing, which amounts to a license to steal, as they collect on the interest.

 

"The fallacy of the system is that "the money supply must continually expand in order to create the appearance of prosperity," Griffin avers.

 

Maybe he and Ron Paul are really on to something. You'd better look into this too!

 

STAY TUNED THIS WEEK FOR: The TARP Ripoff - The $45 Billion Bank Of America  Repayment Miracle - The Obama Banking Trap - Gold Up, Stocks Up, Hold Up The Dollar's Down 

and Other Things that bemuse and confuddle me.

 

 

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic, a Mob Of One

 

PS: I've been yelling from the rooftops since the U.S. Government bailed out AIG the first time for a mere $85 Billion...but, like I wrote way back when: Zillions, Trillions, Billions, Millions...what's a few zeroes among friends.

 

Especially if your friends control the Federal Reserve and the money supply of America.

 

Google: Zillions, Trillions, Billions, Millions - The Birk Plan.

 

Who's laughing now?

 

MARKETING 501: Avast Me Hearties!! Creating Sales Is A Buccaneer Business! Birk's Fearless Forecast From January 12, 2009 - Is Revisited "How Am I Doing So Far?" And What's Up With The "Johnny Depp - Birk" Thing?

Dear Pals,

Please check the blog archives for January12, 2009.

CHECK my predictions against what has happened thus far...I'm 11 months in!

I live in the Buccaneer Business Marketing world...always have!

I'm a Madman adman swashbuckler...who's swash has yet to completely buckle...although my buckle has swashed a tad since I first scrambled up the riggin' with fire in my eyes and a knife clenched between my teeth.

I have always been in the creative "crow's nest."

Looking ahead.

Looking behind.

Spotting danger.

Spotting opportunity.

I look for rocks, reefs and shoals...and for safe passages and snug harbors.

Sometimes I yell "Hard a'port"

"Starboard 10-degrees!"

"Full speed ahead - 30 knots"

Or "All engines STOP."

Sometimes clients even listen...hahaha!

DOES YOUR BUSINESS TODAY LOOK LIKE A RAGING SEA BATTLE WITH SOMALI PIRATES?

Is your business being attacked relentlessly on all sides?

Is your sales crew engaged in repelling the pirate scum, who are trying to steal your hard-earned market share with the cheap deal du jour?

Are you having a hard time keeping on course against the relentless headwinds of governmental "help" and new regulations?

Is your production-crew being overwhelmed as they scramble to bring up ammo from the powder magazine?

Are your new products misfiring?

Are you hitting your target markets with the effectiveness you want?

Has your marketing treasure chest been sacked and plundered by the Perfect Storm of declining sales, the increased costs everything including LOC capital, by talent shrink and a dollar that's dropping faster than a hooker's thong?

DISPAIR NOT!

I can help you grow your business and generate new product ideas and marketing and sales-creating plans that will slash through the competitive clutter like one of Her Majesty's Own finely-honed Wilkerson-steel cutlass blades.

And, the O-R-C-A process makes it happen today...not someday!

LET ME TOOT MY OWN HORN A BIT:

Ahem, in all modesty et cetera, et cetera...

I've spent my entire career in strategic marketing, new product development and the advertising/sales promotion/PR-sales influencing world.

I know how to read the sky, smell the winds, scan the horizon, help set the course and get things done.

I don't play golf, tennis or hunt for ducks or deer. I hunt for opportunities and sales.

I do deep dives to research human beliefs, get historical context and unearth behavioral dynamics and then match 'em up with product features and benefits that will resonate with value in the market place.

I read incessantly (like all the time)...I'm a dot-connector, a pattern spotter, tea leaf reader, crystal ball gazer, rock-turner-over, trend watcher and feet-on-the-street hole-in-my-sweater researcher.

Marketing, creating new products and selling is my passion and focus.

The love of History and Physics and my insatiable appetite for learning about "stuff", sychronously meshes with my high-energy to give me an attuned sense to both the contextual past and present reality and future cultural shifts. It all comes together to create uncanny predictiveness.

That's why my Fearless Forecast is what it is. CHECK IT OUT!

HOW CAN I HELP YOU??

I can be your "thinking partner" and "think ahead partner."

In these choppy sales seas ( better make that, rogue wave/tsunami/Perfect Storm seas) you might find that a good man atop the mainmast with a keen-eye and a good telescope can come in mighty handy.

Am I any good?

I have references...but do your own research and reconaissance...Custer would still be alive if he had only looked over the hill.

PLEASE CHECK MY FEARLESS FORECAST. It was published on January 12, 2009.  See how well this schmoo from the Midwest stacks up against the pundits in NYC, Chicago, LA and DC.

I'm looking ahead at 2010 through to 2011 right now...wanna know what I see?

Gimme a buzz...lets' put our heads together, I can help your business.

If you love to laugh and have fun along the way, we'll get along like peanutbutter and jelly!

Aaaaaargh you ready, Matey?

Let's set sail and sell something!

Birk Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic. A Mob Of One

PS: I could not resist using the Pirate metaphors today, because I have often been mistaken on the street for Capt. Jack Sparrow's portrayer, the man who was voted the sexiest man alive again this year...Johhny Depp.***

***This mistaken identity, Depp-Birk thing, first occurred in a blacked-out coal mine at midnight at 1500 yards by Stevie Wonder. Remember, depp is also a German word that means idiot.

Although, my personal image consultant and fashionista, Dusty Rhodes tells me that drinking copious amounts of Mount Gay Rum has also been known to produce similar halluecinegenic effects.

Well YoHo Ho!

I think my timber just shivered.

Move Over Don Draper! Listen To These Top Secret Un-Aired Demo Radio Spots! It's Some Shameless Self-Promotion For ORCA Today: Presenting - The Not Ready For Drive Time Radio Spots!!

Dear Pals,

Move over Madman adman, Don Draper!!

When I'm not at work here in the wee hours of the morning in The Fortress Of Liberty, I'm busy trying to create NEW BUSINESS in this wonderful economy.

To that end, my longtime partner in crime, Dick Ulett of Clayton Studios and I often collaborate on creating "demo spots" for prospective new clients that ORCA would love to help STAND OUT and cut through the NOISE and CLUTTER with distinctive advertising that "sticks to the roof of the mind."

If you want to hear some Top Secret Never-Been-Aired demo radio spots that have that certain quirky-Birky brand of Creative Peanutbutter, here's what to do:

The Secret Radio Spots are called:

Down InThe Dumps

The Southside Singers

The Kenrick Cut

The Meatfather

Brody's

Give 'em a listen and then give us some feeback.

REMEMBER: These are what are called "demo spots" to give clients the idea - but they are NOT fully produced in final form. But they do a good job of getting the idea across.

Dick and I love radio...we dig it, get it and really know that radio "isn't newspaper ads being read aloud" or "TV without pictures."

Radio is true THEATER OF THE MIND and over the years, we've sold a ton of stuff for many great clients. And, we've even lifted the Great Pyramid of Gizah put it in a Ford F-150 and moved it to The Hill.

If you want to STAND OUT and CUT THROUGH ho-hum advertising Clutter. You know who to call.

(In all modesty, yours truly!)

NOW: Go to www.orcastl.com CLICK on the photo of The Wise Guru - he's the bald-headed Sicilian dude with the pink Plaza off the shoulder look.

Then scroll down to the bottom of the page to find these top secret un-aired demos.

Click on the spot name, listen and enjoy...it's advertising with the effective power of 100X!

CREATIVITY gives you more bang for the buck...this is especially important for small and mid-size advertisers who don't have bottomless budgets!

100X can give your business cut-through that is 100 times better than 99.99999% of the crapola on the air.

Thanks!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: Let us help create sales for your business with advertising that CUTS THROUGH!!

Who know's maybe these demos will create some new business for everyone.

Maybe even for Kenrick and Brody's - that's always been my goal.

I love these guys! They are both UNIQUE one-of-a-kind St. Louis businesses with great products and really neat people! I encourage you to visit them both. You are in for a rare treat in both places!

Don't just sit there!

Get creative!

Let's sell something!

Let's shout the good news about your business from the roof tops!

As a Pal of mine says, "If you ain't yelling...you ain't selling!"

No Blog Today...Because I'm On The Road To...

Morocco?

Bali?

Zanzibar?

Rio?

Timbuktu?

Shangrihla?

Monte Carlo?

Las Vegas?

West Palm?

Key West?

Costa Rico?

Paris?

Nope, I'm on the Road to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. 

And believe me, it's the one place on earth that I honestly, really and truly want to be.

Wish me luck...I'm a man on a mission today!

A mission that's very close to my heart.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

My "Madman McKay's Heart Attack In A Can" Brand Chili's Warning Label Will Drive The Hot Dog Police And Other Nutrition Nazis Wild! Here's Some Warning Labels We Really Need!!

Dear Pals,

Check out this article about the three "health activists" in New Jersey who want to have a cancer Warning Label put on HOT DOGS!

Does the stupidity of our legal system and the greed of exploitative lawyers have any bounds?

Okay, okay! This is almost a stupid as the college graduate who has filed suit against her university because she hasn't been able to find a job and because the university hasn't helped her "enough."

But that's another story...let's get back to hot dogs!

http://blogs.moneycentral.msn.com/smartspending/?fpn=lawsuit%20hot%20dogs%20need%20warning%20label

All I can say is, "I never met a hot dog or a chili dog that I didn't like. So keep your Warning Label off my weiner!"

Today it's The Hot Dog Police...what's next?

The Chili Cops?

The Gazpacho Gestapo?

The Pepperoni Police?

I actually wrote a Warning Label for a brand of canned chili I created. It is called: Madman McKay's Nutritionally Incorrect Heart Attack In A Can Chili. It's made using his original "Screendoor Of Hell" recipe. One 32 oz. can will feed one chili fanatic or 4 girl's colleges.

The front label of Madman McKay's Heart Attack In A Can brand chili features a photo of Madman McKay on his Harley Road King with his "personal assistant," Vickie DeMille snuggled up behind him. The entire back label is a hysterically funny Warning Label. We even invite people to write Madman McKay's assistant, the very vivacious and voluptuous Vickie DeMille, for less information.

I want to introduce it at Sturgis, Wyoming next year and give every Harley-lover a free can to "seed the demand" and then sell it via Harley dealer stores and on the Internet in a really unusual manner.

It's right here, all ready-to-go sitting on the Birk Idea Shelf - just waiting for one ballsy chili maker...say, maybe my Pal "The King of Catering," (a.k.a., Bigga Joe, "The Meatfather") would like to take a shot at this winning brand idea? 

Madman McKay's Heart Attack In A Can brand chili was a waaaaaaay too wild a category breakthrough idea for the Armour-Dial folks that I pitched it to out in Phoenix. A few weeks after the presentation, one "Brandie" actually told me they all secretly loved it but we're afraid they could never sell it to top management. So they didn't even try.

Enough about that...

Here's some other Warning Labels that we might need soon!

How about a Warning Label on Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales?  Lest some moron should read The Miller's Tale and then accidentally burn his hands and fingers while trying to shove a red hot poker up someone's keister at a Hollywood or Las Vegas pool party.

How about putting a Warning Label on Alligators, so morons don't try to pet them?

Or, putting a Warning Label on steamrollers warning morons not to lie down in front of them?

Whaddya say we put Warning Labels on all power drills, warning morons not to clean out their ears with them?

Of course, we'll need a Warning Label on all brands of bottled water - warning morons not to drink boiling water. Ditto for cooking oil, motor oil, creasote, kerosene, Witch Hazel, coal oil and turpentine.

Don't forget to put Warning Labels on forks cautioning morons about using the tines to remove their contacts!

Maybe we even need a Warning Label to keep morons from eating used cat litter to avoid getting feline leukemia?

And, of course, my favorite Food Warning Label Of All Time is for stewmeat: WARNING - Never hug a pitbull while wearing a stewmeat necklace.

How about putting a Warning Label on all Morons, so we can easily spot them at long distances and thereby avoid having to listen to their inane chatter and really stupid ideas.

We can start by putting the first batch of MORON WARNING LABELS on the foreheads of U. S. Congressmen and Senators who dream up stupid legislative ideas, like taking over Healthcare.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of what's left of The Republic 

PS: A Warning Label on all voting machines is a double-down-definite-do-now must, lest more deceased voters who are registered fraudulently continue to pull the levers, press buttons or half-punch the chads and re-elect the current batch of DEE CEE PECers.

The ACLU should sue somebody over election fraud!

Hey, wait a minute...how about having the ACLU sue ACORN??

That'll be the day hot dogs fly! 

The odds of having Bigga Joe call me today at 918-7500 about Heart Attack In A Can brand chili is a lot more likely. We'll see...

The Death Of Face-To-Face Conversation And The Birth Of The Age Of The Nanoprocessor Brain Chip: Is A Brave New World Coming Where "Thought Transmission" Will Trump Talking To Each Other?

Dear Pals,

Remember the quote about Desktop Publishing from back in the late 70's? "Thanks to this new desktop publishing technology, more people will now be able to create more bad advertising faster than ever before."

Now in the age of the twit, tweet, twat, twot, IM and the text, sext message, I'm afraid we have taken personal and marketing communications to a new low and even higher level of all invasive ubiquitousness, with an accompanying loss of quality in thoughtful ideers and corekt gramur an gud spellink.

Let me axe you a few questions...

1. As you navigate through your world each day, do you ever wonder...who are all of those seemingly robotic people on cell phones talking to?

2. What is so important that it needs to be texted instantly at the speed of thumb while driving, walking or running a mass transit commuter train?

3. Are you ever astounded at who is actually attempting to walk, talk, text and chew gum at the same time?

4. Is all of this social networking communication a PLUS or MINUS - or is it a zero-sum game?

Now I'm no Ludite, I have embraced new technology to some extent and must confess that I particularly enjoy writing my daily blog. It helps keep my mind active and writing skills honed.

It also allows me to have a semi-recreational outlet where I can safely express my arguably quirky-birky Libertarian ideas in some depth without getting knocked off a barstool.

When I commited to doing a daily blog for one year, I wanted to find out about the Internet and how the blogosphere worked firsthand. I was going to let it all "hang out" - figureatively speaking - and be prepared to accept both brickbats and bouquets.

Secretly, I wondered if one ordinary fat man -- alone in his den in the heart of the Midwest, wrapped in his cozy claret-colored Snuggie, slaving over a hot keyboard in the wee hours of the morning -- could make any difference at all by contributing to the national debate and participating in the marketplace of ideas.

This also caused me to think about writers and thinkers that I admire from days of yore.

One can't help but wonder what Thoreau might have written if he had Twitter. "Pond is calm. Lots of flies. Love and Hate it here. Free the slaves."

Or, would Emerson have written even longer and more insightful essays if he had a keyboard instead of a quill?

Would Lincoln have delivered The Emancipation Proclamation via LinkedIn?

Would Churchill have simply texted, "Blood. Toil. Tears. Sweat. Kill Nazis. WC"

Would Roosevelt have posted his exhortations on Facebook instead of chatting by the fireside?

Every age has had its communication breakthroughs.

Printing.

Moveable type.

Quill

Pencil

Telegraph.

Typewriter

Radio

Fountain pen

Television

Ballpoint pen

PCs

PDAs

cellular and digital photo telephony...and who know's what'll come next? 

Maybe future generations will have a Nanoprocessor chip containing all the information accumulated by mankind installed in their brains at the Born On Date. (The chip might even have an "expiration or Die On Date" in it too!)

Perhaps that's why so many depictions of aliens feature such big heads, big eyes and very small mouths. Maybe aliens evolved beyond speech because they had nothing to talk about anymore, since all the knowledge was already stored inside their brain's nanoprocessor chip and it used the brain's naturally occuring electro-magnetic synaptic pulses and thereby enabled them to "read minds" - each others...and ours too!

Now there's something to ponder...

Do you think all of this current infatuation with compulsive interpersonal communication is causing a pandemic of cultural attention deficit disorder?

For instsance, have you ever been talking to someone when their phone's ring tone starts playing Dixie, only to have them instantly divert their attention from you to the incoming call?

Are people actually addicted to cellular calling, texting, facebooking, blogging - and are we all becoming trapped in a wireless web of our own creation as we wander through the day?

Is the art of face-to-face conversation quickly dying - as electronic avoidance through message screening and the illusion of personal contact created by email and texting replaces in-the-flesh human contact? 

Does all of this contribute to better thinking and interpersonal communication? Or is it just more intrusion, static and noise? Or, in some cases, is it non-reponsive silence that simulataneously desensitizes and and depresses us?

How much real productivity in business is lost?

How much needless anxiety is created?

How much anger is instantly vented and transmitted by sending a hot-under-the-collar email or text message?

How many avoidable misunderstandings are created?

And, finally...what are people really interested in?

I must confess that when I view my blog's readership stats, that I am always surprised by which blogs pop up there because people are searching the web using long trail phrases or multiple keywords. 

I have had searches from Saudi Arabia, New Zealand, Australia, India, Japan and South Africa. Trackbacks have shown that some of my blogs were translated into other languages like Dutch, Italian, Spanish, German and even Canadian.

When you send out an email to your Pals, you never know who they might forward it too. Ditto on blogging, you never know where it will end up. It's surprising, interesting and sometimes just plain weird.

The old adage, "I shot an arrow into the air and where it lands I do not care, " applies to emails and blogs too!

Here's a little experiment: How many of you will click on the link below to learn about my Capstone Project? www.capstonepyramid.com

Hmmm...I wonder??

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: I hope you do check out The Capstone Project...it's near and dear to my heart.

I'm just tossing a pebble in the Internet Pond...who knows what will happen now?

BIRK 101: How To Collect From Chisling Deadbeats. Or 10 Highly Effective Questions To Ask For Immediate Payment When The Bill Is 120+ Days Past Due?

Dear Pals,

Everyone has some cash flow issues these days...but, some folks out there really are chisling deadbeats.

I have had a just a few incidents over the years when people, who originally came to us hat in hand and needed help in a hurry - then decided to ignore our bill after the work had been done, delivered and our subcontractors paid.

Now, I'm a very patient guy, some say, waaaaaaaaay too patient. Maybe that's because, I know and personally have been appreciative of the value of financial forebearance when honest people are caught in a jam.  

But after sending many invoice statements and many messages fail to get any response at all, there are 10 Highly Effective Questions that every chisling deadbeat needs to be asked.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO USE THEM:

1. How long is your right leg at this time?

2. Is your major medical insurance premium paid?

3. Is extensive dental work and oral surgery covered?

4. Which do you think hurts worst...a power drill or a nail gun?

5. Do you enjoy river swimming?

6. Do you really think dropping and rolling will put out napalm?

7. Do you enjoy holding your breath?

8. When you turn your car on, do you ever wonder what will happen when you put it in reverse or drive?

9. Do you know where to get a Handicapped Parking permit?

10. Did you ever see the Bass-O-Matic skit on Saturday Night Live? Have you heard of Hand-O-Matic?

Collecting money after the work has been delivered and used, is a very hard thing to do.

Thankfully I have many friends in interesting professions, who actually enjoy making a personal visit and having ONE friendly little private, mano y mano chat with a deadbeat.

It's in that little private visit when my emmissary of financial illumination asks Question 11 and 12.

11.  Do you mind if I wait here in your office and clean my Glock while you write the check?

12. Or, would you like me to pick it up at your home at a more convenient time, like 2:00 am?

When these simple questions are asked with a smile by my pal Joe, who looks like a very muscular and mean Andre The Giant, remarkable things happen quickly.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: The late great Al Capone said it best, "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun...than with a kind word alone."