"We gotta go green...or, else we will all stop breathing." - Al Snore,
Hey, Al my Pal, that gives me an nifty new idea...
Let's create: The Oxygen Preservation, Environmental Enrichment And Carbon Dioxide Emissions Abatement Act.
Wow! That sure sounds great!
Kinda sounds really really good just like: Really Great and Really Cheap Healthcare For Everybody!!
Hosanna and Amen! Brother Barack!
As my good Pal the G-Man often says, "Sign me up Coach!"
But, wait a minute what does all that fancy legislative lingo really mean???
It's what I call: Operation: "Tax A Deep Breath!"
You've heard of the "Death Tax" - well, this the "Breath Tax" - I think this just might be an idea the Obamacare Liberals can really get behind?
We talk a lot about our carbon footprint...but what about our carbon mouthprint??
Think about this:
The average respiratory rate reported in a healthy adult at rest is usually given as 12 breaths per minute (12⁄60 Hz). That's 720 breaths per hour, 17,280 breaths per day, 6,307,200 breaths per year.
Think of the TAX revenue opportunity!!!
The government could have a minimum annual breath tax for every Citizen breather and then surtaxes for really wealthy people, fat people, high-oxygen using athletes, runners, people who need oxygen tanks and respirators and even those heavy breathers, who always seem to sit behind me in the East St. Louis gentlemen's clubs. (Ooops!)
Wowie Zowie!! Uncle Howie!
Here is the proposed Breath Tax Schedule based on 6,307,200 breaths per year.
TIER ONE Breathers: The uberwealthy such as John Kerry's wife, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, George Soros, Boone Pickens, Rush Limbaugh, Kobe Bryant, Barbara Streisand, Brad Pitt, David Letterman, Bill O'Reilly, Larry King, Payton Manning, Madonna, Sean Hannity, Michael Jordan, Chris Matthews, Oprah Winfrey, Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, Martha Stewart, Stephen Speilberg, Tom Hanks, Glenn Beck, All the Talking Heads at NBC/CBS/ABC/PBS/CNN Networks, John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Keith Olbermann, Jimmy Kimmel, Barney Madoff, Bob Beckle, Timothy Geithner, Henry Paulson et cetera: $1.00 per breath or $6.307 million per year each. $17,279.00 per day.
They'll pay it because they have a lot of good reasons to want to keep breathing.
TIER TWO Breathers: CEOs and senior level executives of the Big Bailed Out Banks, AIG and Wall Street investment firms that received billion dollar bailouts, TARP funds and BIG FAT BONUSES: $0.50 per breath or $3.150 million per year each. $8630.10 per day.
TIER THREE Breathers: Other Bankers and Lawyers (except trial attorneys who will be exempted, naturally) mid and low level Hollywood movie actors and Hollywood producers: $ 0.10 per breath or $63,072.00 per year each. That' $172.80 per day.
TIER FOUR Breathers: Working stiffs, doctors and nurses, policemen, firemen, small business owners, Mom & Pop shops and the ordinary employed citizens: $0.001 per breath or $630.12 per year. That's just $1.73 per day...a bargain!
ACTIVE military pays 25% or 43 cents/day.
TIER FIVE Breathers: The infirm, chronically ill, elderly, mentally-handicapped, town nuisances and generally "non-productive" or high maintenance people. If you have someone like this in your family, then the family would pay an additional $630.12 compassion Breath Tax to cover that person.
Or, your family could opt for the Obamacare Plan PDO** for these folks.
TIER SIX Breathers: Illegal immigrants, incarcerated criminals and Michael Moore. These folks will be subsidized by the TIER FOUR Breathers for 34,560 breaths or two sundowns - whichever comes first. Hahahaha...just kidding.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is a totally optional and voluntary participation government-sponsored contributive tax program. If you do not wish to pay the Breath Tax, you may get a permanent exemption by simply going to the Federal Breath Control Center nearest you, where you will be placed in the ODC*** for 5-minutes. This service is provided FREE under Obamacare.
But what about all the hot air and CO2 put out by the DEE CEE PECers??? (Political Elite Class)
That's a very good question. Here's the answer - heed it and then sit down and shut up, if you know what's good for you...you uncaring, unAmerican S.O.B. (Someone Opposing Barack)
The DEE CEE PECers will exempt themselves from having to pay the Breath Tax (Congressmen/Senators/Judges and senior level Federal Employees and their union thug mouth breathers at SEIU and ACORN) just like they will exempt themselves from the Healthcare Plan they are "currently crafting" for schmoos like you and me.
But, don't worry, that still leaves about 199 million breathing citizen schmoos from age zero to dead to pay the Breath Tax.
NOTE: Pregnant women would be taxed twice since they are actually "breathing for two"...or maybe even more, if it's the Octomom. This "double taxation" could be avoided if the pregnant woman opted for the Pro-Choice Early Out Option provided FREE at the nearest Federally-funded family carbon footprint control center.
And, since all of these dirty rotton carbon-dioxide emmitting citizen breathers are using up our earth's precious oxygen at an alarming rate, I'm suggesting that this act be retroactive to their BORN ON DATE...up to a maximum of their total financial net worth and last pair of underwear.
This is a great way to raise tons of money fast and forever!!
It's a new and as yet untapped source of money the Feds really need and can readily use to 1) pay for more fiscal foolishness, 2) get old people to choose Obamacare "Plan PDO**" 3) and keep our planet green by not using up the earth's limited-supply of precious Oxygen or 4) fund ACORN to "community organize" and register more Democrat voters as people stop breathing.
Wait a minute...doesn't the process of photosynthesis have CO2 or carbon dioxide absorbed by plants and then returned to the atmosphere as O or oxygen which is what we breathe?
Am I right or wrong? Help me out...you scientists out there.
As Kermit The Frog (not, Kermit The Roosevelt) once said, "It's not easy being green."
Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of what's left of The Republic and a very vocal albeit unorganized Mob Of ONE and "unAmerican S.O.B" - Someone Opposing Barack
PS: **Obama Plan PDO is the Planet Departure Option.
Under the terms of PDO Section: 231, Article: 345-B, Subsection: 372E, Paragraph 4567, you can choose to stop breathing at any time that you or your family members, or the person with Power Of Attorney or the GAYWKOOB (aka: the Government Are You Worth Keeping On Oxygen Board) decides, except during Federal holidays and other blackout dates.
***ODC is the Oxygen Deprivation Chamber.
If you are in one of the the Top Tier Breather groups you will get a raspberry-flavored chocolate-covered cyanide pill and a Bud Light to assist you in the PDO.
If you aren't a Tier One, Two or Three Breather, then a Federally-subsidized SEIU/ACORN Transition To Eternal Serenity Counsellor will come to your home and, at your or your family's direction:
1) Shoot you in the brain with a .22 ( you will be charged 79-cents for the bullet)
My Pal Jack said, "It's just another kinda of Cap and Trade...they "cap" you and then you trade in being vertically active to being permanently horizontal in a box?"
2) or, Smother you with a pillow (no charge if you provide the pillow),
3) or, Beat your brains out with an aluminum baseball bat...or, for baseball purists like George Will and Bob Costas, an all wood Louisville Slugger may be used.
Sorry, no golf clubs, hockey sticks, tire irons, cricket bats, Jack Daniels' whiskey barrel staves, rolling pins, bowling pins, concrete blocks, bricks, stones or other types of masonry may be used.
THE VERY SPECIAL "TOO GOOD FOR US" POLITICAL ELITE CLASS (PECer) BREATHER TEIR: Naturally, all U.S. Congressmen and Senators and senior-level Federal Government Officials would be kept on oxygen endlessly, so that they can continue to "serve the taxpayers" and "do the people's business."
Special breathing and oxygen arrangements can also be made for leading Democrat Party Political contributors and party-hack windbags like Paul Bagalia and James Carville.
In the future, if even more revenue will be needed to feed "The Beast," the Breath Tax can always be expanded to include pet breaths, livestock breaths and or course, human and animal anal aperture gas emissions. This would be under the new FART program ( Federal Air Refreshment Tax).
Welcome to the Brave New World of Omama, Obama!
Do I exaggerate and make sport of Obamacare? Of course!!! But we'll see...Take a big deep breath of free American air...while you still can.
In the meantime, c'mon and sing along with The Chicago Band, featuring Rahm Emmanuel and the Obama Rhythm Czars:
"Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you...I'll be watching you...I'll be taxing you..."
See you in the Gulag!
Question: Are you offended at being characterized as UNAMERICAN for very vocally disagreeing with the government on Healthcare?
Democrat leaders Steny Hoyer and Nancy Pelosi have called ordinary citizens like you and me, who are loudly protesting at town hall meetings - UNAMERICAN.
UnAmerican...let's all remember that in 2010 and 2012. If you can't vote against Nancy and Steny...you can vote against the local folks who think like them and vote with them.