The Wise Buddha-hahahaha

How To Stop The Killing In God's Name. Create A New Religion For The Whole World. Something We Can All Agree Upon. Here's The Birk Religious Belief Conflict Reconciliation Plan. Why It's As Easy as 1-2-3-4!

Dear Pals,

I was wondering if we human beings would ever be able to reconcile the deeply embedded and often conflictive beliefs of the world's competing religions?

After all, the world is full of conflicting beliefs, dogmas and traditions that were created over long periods of time very often in isolated parts of the world.

I was thinking about the daily conflicts that these "old time" religious indoctrinations are causing today, not the least of which were the murders of 13 Americans and the wounding of 42 others at Ft. Hood by a devoutly religious U.S. Army Major of the Moslem persuasion.

There is an old saying that, "More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason."

How do you stop the killing in God's name? Well, here's an out-of-the-box idea for you to chew on.

Many religious beliefs have been held for centuries and religious doctrines have been deeply and emotionally embedded in people beginning shortly after birth.

In all fairness, the beliefs of some religions and the concept of "sin" has also evolved or devolved (depending on your point-of-view) over time.

Still other religions have not changed at all. Apparently, those "religions" got it right, right from the start.

For example, I was born a Catholic. When I was a boy, eating meat on Friday was a sin...I can't recall if it was a mortal or venial sin...but, I'm sure it was a pretty serious sin, but not as bad as LUST, which was my personal favorite.

Today, I wonder if I'm going to Hell for eating meat on Friday, missing Mass on Sunday and Holy Days, for chasing skirts with lusty glee in my mis-spent youth or for being divorced and excommunicated?

Then when I get to Hell, I wonder if I'll share a red-hot shovel shift with Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Jack the Ripper, or if I'll be in the perfumed and air-conditioned part of Hell with Gypsy Rose Lee, Marylin Monroe, Mae and Evelyn West, Madame Pomadour and Casanova, George Carlin, Lewis Black, Capt. Ron and Jack Ortbal.

Thinking about all this religion-inspired Hellishness set my mind all awhirl in a cachphony of theological and philosophical dissonance.

Then I had a blinding flash of inspiration!

SHAZAAM! SHAMWOW!

Science has evolved.

Technology has evolved.

Medicine has evolved.

Transportation has evolved.

Mankind's knowledge has evolved in so many ways.

Even Birk has evolved. In a an uncharacteristic fit of self-aggrandizement, I titled my blog photo: The Evolution Of Man Is Complete. (I'm the evolved one on the right).

Is that a banana in my pocket? Or am I just glad to see you? (Actually, it's a 1/2 roll of TUMS)

Look Amigos...the superstitions of eons of lost past millenia and The Dark Ages are in our rearview mirror in virtually every category and area of human endeavor...except religion.

Things that man once accepted as facts and immutable natural laws from religious authorites speaking for God, have been disproved as mankind's intellectual capability, scientific knowledge and the liberty and freedom to think for oneself has advanced.

For example, we don't believe that the Sun revolves around the earth any more.

We don't believe that the earth is flat any more.

We don't believe that man cannot fly.

We don't believe that witches cause plague.

We don't believe that women need to be isolated in the "red tent."

We don't believe that leeches and bleeding makes people better.

We know about atoms, muons, photons, leptons and quarks.

Man has been to the Moon and back.

We have indoor plumbing, heat and air conditioning.

We can make steam power flow through pipes.

We know how to transplant hearts, kidneys and lungs.

We can perform pre-natal surgery in the womb.

We can clone sheep.

We can even make a McRib!

It begs the question.

Why haven't the world's religions evolved??

Especially in the Age of the Internet when we are so interconected and have instant access to so much information and knowledge.

Why should religious beliefs remain stuck in ancient paradigms???

Why do people today persist in believing religious dogmas that simply defy the laws of science and common sense and the principles of basic human decency?

So I thought, "Why not revist all of the religious assumptions, traditions and dogmas of Islam, Mayan, Aztec, Olmec, Judaism, Sumerian, Catholic, Lutheran, Episcoplaian, Baptist, Methodist, Buddhism, Shintoism, Zoroastrianism, Hinduism, Unitarian, Dogon, Zulu and Taoist??"

Let's see which religious dogmas stand up to the bright light of intellectual scrutiny from the perspectives of TRUTH, LIFE, SCIENCE, COMMON SENSE and HUMAN ETHICS."

Let's put all religious ideas to the test.

STEP ONE: Let's put all the core religious ideas up on the Internet and have 100 people from each country, selected at random, vote on them.  IN or OUT

HERE'S JUST A FEW SAMPLES:

1. Sacrifice a human being and offer his still beating heart to God to make it rain. IN or OUT

2. Thou shalt not steal. IN or OUT

3. Honor thy Father and Mother. IN or OUT

4. Honor Kill family members who disavow your religion's rules and customs. IN or OUT

5. Same sex marriage. IN or OUT

6. Inter-species marriage. IN or OUT

7. Perform female circumsicions. IN or OUT

8. Keep women from driving, voting and going to school. IN or OUT

9. Killing people of different religions who refuse to join yours. IN or OUT

10. Rape. IN or OUT

11. Drinking Alcohol. IN or OUT

12. Using heroin, cocaine, LSD, crystal meth, et cetera. IN or OUT

13. Mandatory Church on Sunday. IN or OUT

14. Mandatory Church on Saturday. IN or OUT

15. Mandatory Church on Friday. IN or OUT

16. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. IN or OUT

17. Thou shalt not commit adultery. IN or OUT

18. Eating pork (McRib). IN or OUT

19. Beheadings and Amputations as penalties for bad behavior. IN or OUT

20. Simultaneously Marry Multiple Wives. IN or OUT

21. Simultaneously Marry Multiple Husbands. IN or OUT

22. Love Thy Neighbor IN or OUT

23. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness IN or OUT

25. Eat Beef. IN or OUT

26. Fly through the air. IN or OUT

27. Irish in charge. IN or OUT

28. Euthanasia at 85. IN or OUT

29. Circumsize boys. IN or OUT

30. Arrange your daughter's marriage to a stranger. IN or OUT

31. Hide the female body in a head-to-toe sack? IN or OUT

32. Enjoy Rodin's Hand of God sculpture. IN or OUT

33. Hell. IN or Out

34. Nirvana. IN or Out

35. Women's rights. IN or OUT

36. Dancing. IN or OUT

37. Snake handling. IN or OUT

38. Going on a walkabout. IN or OUT

39. Abortion. IN or OUT

40. Tithing. IN or OUT

ESSAY QUESTION: Is man a part of God or apart from God?

You see how this global human intake process can work!

STEP TWO: We make a comprehensive list of all the core beliefs of every major religion - past and present - and then have the randomly-selected 100 people from each country in the world vote on which beliefs are IN and which are OUT.

This would get representative input from all the peoples of the Earth. A big representative intake session. Very inclusive, culturally diverse and quite open.

STEP THREE: I would personally take the intake results up to my brother-in-law's very cool log cabin in the northwoods of Michigan. I prefer this cool woodsy location to the barren, scorching blazing-ass hot desert near Las Vegas. Deserts have been known to bake turds as hard as rocks.

There in total meditative seclusion, I would ask the One True God to tell me which things stay IN and which are OUT.

As soon as the One True God gives me the edited and approved IN or OUT list...I'll bring it back and share it with the rest of the world. There is a precedent for this kind of direct revelation in the Judeo, Christian and Islamic traditions.

Then, The New Really Cool Religious Rules For You publishing company will provide a copy to everyone on Earth for just $1.00 and then everyone can follow these updated religious rules.

I'll only keep 10%. The rest I will donate to The Limbaugh Institute For Advanced Conservative Studies. (Just kidding.) I'll give the rest of the dough-re-mi to the world's 50 top Medical Schools.

Religious belief conflict problems solved.

STEP FOUR: I will retire to Bermuda to begin my new career as a bikini-fitter and sun tan lotion applier.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic, a Mob Of One

PS: Do I believe in God? You bet, the evidence of God's creativity is all around, above, below and throughout everything. The wonders of God's universe and nature play out before us everyday. But, my "Creator of all things seen and unseen" might be different than your personal vision of God.

If it is true that God created man in his own image and likeness, we all must have God-DNA. And if we all have God-DNA then the nature of God must be innately in all of us. We must be God-wired in the double helix of our own DNA.

So why do we need some "outside self-proclaimed God expert" to tell us what God's will for us is.

Well, could it be because there is a lot of profit in the religious prophet business?

Hmmmm...

All kidding aside, if you really want to get an insight into my personal  All Is ONE - God-in-Man beliefs and supporting data visit www.capstonepyramid.com 

It's kind of a Gnostic view that God-Is-Within-Man.

You don't have to look out for or look up to find God...all you have to do is look within.

The Greeks called this en theos or God within - the word enthusiasm came from that expression. People who were turned on by creativity, innovation, learning and had a real love for life were said to "have God within."

Are you an enthusiast?

What are you enthusiastic about?

Do you believe in God?

And, does God believe in you?

THREE FINAL PERPLEXING QUESTIONS:

1) Before Charleton Heston was given The 10 Commandments by the One True God, after the Jews fled the oppression of Yul,The Great Pharoah of Egypt...what had been God's rules of conduct for mankind for the previous 5000 to 10,000 to 250,000 years?

We're we all just ad-libbing our way through every day?

2) And, how come God waited so long to give Moses just 10 simple commandments to live by?

3) Why was God so darn brief??

Maybe The 10 Commandments were just the OUTLINE that would have to be constantly conditionally-clarified by lawyers, courts, kings, emporers, prophets, religious clerics and Democrat politicians over the ensuing centuries??

I wonder about things like this...do you?

BONUS QUESTIONS:

Should stew be served in a bowl or on a plate?

Should toilet paper be A) pulled over the top of the roll or B) pulled down from behind the roll?

Mike P. needs to know these answers. Especially about the stew serving issue: bowl vs. plate.

 

 

Will President Obama Confirm The Presence of Extraterrestrial Vistors Living Among Us By Thanksgiving or Christmas? Check This Out!

Dear Pals,

Check out the Stephen Bassett story on Coast-To-Coast...

http://www.coasttocoastam.com/

My Pal George Noory had a great interview with him last night on ET Disclosure.

It seems the global UFO world is all abuzz about the prospects of President Obama making an unprecedented announcement sometime very soon, like between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

What's the news?

We are not alone.

But don't worry, extra-terrestrials have been in contact with the human race for a long long long long time...but, mankind wasn't "emotionally or intellectually" ready to handle the news.

In recent months, governments as diverse as England, Russia, France and Brazil have released news of alien visitations and well-documented encounters.

Now, President Obama is going to announce the news that the United States government has direct contact with folks from elsewhere and has for sometime.

Check out the interview it's fascinating.

How would this news affect your worldview and belief systems?

What if it's true?

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic, a Mob of One

PS: If true, this could explain the mysteries of the Great Pyramids, the monoliths on Easter Island, Stonehenge, the legend of Atlantis, midwest crop circles and Nancy Pelosi.

Maybe these obviously advanced-civilizations will be able to cure cancer, diabetes, heart disease and get the 12:00 to stop blinking on my old (but still plugged in ) VCR.

Or maybe, they'll have us for lunch.

OOOOOOgahboooogah...gotta love Coast To Coast with George Noory!!

Best Selling Author Dan Brown, Professor Robert Langdon, Birk And "The Lost Symbol" - What Bond Of Cosmic Sychronicity Ties Them All Together??

Dear Pals,

I hate to ruin a great tease...but it's almost too eerie!

Check out page 167 in Dan Brown's new best seller The Lost Symbol - it's the third in his trilogy of The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons.

Once again, the Birkster is ahead of the curve.

Check it out...then enter the correct portal on the ORCA website. Choose wisely, Grasshopper.

Oooooogahboooogah!!!...and it's isn't even Halloween yet!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic, a Mob Of One

PS: It's all connected...and "What Is Lost...Will Be Found."

The Power Of Positive Thinking. Birk Rx: What The World Needs Now Is Positive Thinking And A Really Good Gibson With Extra Onions.

Dear Pals,

HERE'S 30-MINUTES OF STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS POSITIVE THINKING.

I'm positive that Joe Weinmann is going to call me today with good news.

I'm positive that I will have a great - no, make that a fantastic day.

I'm positive that the economy is rebounding. Boing...boing...boing...

I'm positive that Steele will help fight floods and save people's homes.

I'm positive that life is wonderful, exciting and great.

I'm positive that I have won the big Powerball lottery.

I'm positive that the Sun will rise in the East.

I'm positive that yellow + blue = green.

I'm positive that life is good.

I'm positive that business will resurge.

I'm positive that I still look cute in my old Red Baby.

I'm positive that Steak 'n Shake still has the best fries.

I'm positive that laughter is the best medicine.

I'm positive that LaRussa will be back?

I'm positive that tattooing women's lips is a BAD idea.

I'm positive that positive creative energy is the answer to every question.

I'm positive that people will continue to enter and exit the planet.

I'm positive that chocolate milk is a food group.

I'm positive that the best is yet to come.

I'm positive that Rush Limbaugh will NOT be allowed to buy an NFL team.

I'm positive that Rush Limbaugh will be allowed to buy the St. Louis Rams.

I'm positive that the earth makes oil.

I'm positive that Edgar Cayce was on to something.

I'm positive that pork is the other white meat.

I'm positive that Al Sharpton will not invite me to dinner.

I'm positive my scale is wrong.

I'm positive that my son will graduate from college.

I'm positive that every problem contains a solution.

I'm positive that the best is yet to come.

I'm positive that pinot noir is easier on me than cabernet.

I'm positive that there are 35 more good people in the world than there are morons.

I'm positive that justice does ultimately play out.

I'm positive that I am a pain in the butt to many.

I'm positive that the world makes me laugh.

I'm positive that I have 1 really good Pal.

I'm positive that my life has been charmed and lucky.

I'm positive that Ding Dongs are good for me.

I'm positive that Sasquatch exists.

I'm positive that Charles Krauthammer is right 99.99%

I'm positive that braunschweiger and raw onion on rye is the world's best sandwich.

I'm positive that rain never falls up.

I'm positive that positive thinking works best when coupled with positive action.

I'm positive that I am a "reverse paranoid" because I know the whole world is out to help me.

I'm positive that me being quiet is good.

I'm positive that truth is stranger than fiction.

I'm positive that all's well that ends well.

I'm positive that USA Today will have a crossword puzzle.

I'm positive my cats understand English.

I'm positive that life is good even when it's bad.

I'm positive that in vino veritas is right.

I'm positive that I can't revisit the 60's.

I'm positive that negativity is not positive.

I'm positive that Murph will call.

I'm positive that there is a martini in my future if Murph calls.

I'm positive that I need to get going!

I'm positive that it will never be 7:36 am on Wednesday October 14, 2009 again.

I'm positive that this is not what Norman Vincent Peale had in mind.

I'm positive that something really cool and good and exciting and enriching will come into your life today.

I'm positive that beer is being iced down somewhere right now!

I'm positive you'll count all your blessings today.

I'm positive that God still loves me...inspite of me.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic and a Mob of One,

PS: This treatise could make me the Winner of the Nobel Prize for Theoretical Positivity.

Think Positive!!

Think Big!

Think Bold!

Live! Laugh! Love!

Have a positively great time!

After all dear Pals, we're not getting out of this alive anyway!!

At the end of the day, my goal is to have 4 undertakers trying to get the grin off my face.

Sex, Sex, Sex and More Sex. Why Is It So Darn Popular And Problematic? Birk Plows In Where Angels Fear To Tread. Brace Yourself, Maureen!

Dear Pals,

I was watching the news reports on the Gay/Lesbian/Transgender march in Washington this past weekend and it got me to thinking about Sex and its various mutations and manifestations throughout the ages. It truly is a topic you can sink your teeth into.

Be warned: This is going to get pretty deep pretty quick, so you might want to put on your waders.

Sex...what's it all about Alfie?

There have been tens of thousands of learned volumes, instructional tributes and trashy books and medical, philosophical and erotic poems and articles written on this fascinating topic.

Sex is all around us. And, it has always been thus.

Sex is on the cover of every checkout lane tabloid, it's a click away on 20 kajillion porn sites and pay-per-view TV channels and it's hard-wired, mechanically plumbed into our body and soft-wired into our brain and nervous system. Sex is accessible 24/7/365 no matter where we are are, who we are with or what we're doing.

Sex has a yin and yang to it. On the positive side, its been used as an incentive, a bargaining chip, a reward and on the negative side as punishment and retribution.

Sex has probably been the world's greatest reliever of physical stress, source of joy and pleasure and greatest cause of emotional and interpersonal stress. It is as prickly as a porcupine. It has entangled Presidents, Prime Ministers, Popes and peons.

Sex has been glorified on ancient temple walls and cities have been reportedly erased from the face of the planet in a cloud of fire and brimstone because of sexual perversion and wanton excessess. The Pharoah Ramses II, who had scores of wives and fathered more than 70 children has ironically had a condom brand named after him.

Does that strike you as odd?

Sex views, perspectives and mores have always varied from culture to culture and age to age. Witness the harems of the Ottoman Empire and the concubines of the Chinese Emporer in the Forbidden City and the brothels of Virginia City, the Roman Baths and The Coral Courts on Route 66.

Contrary to popular belief, it was not Helen of Troy's face that launched a thousand ships. It was actually another three of Helen's legendary body parts. From time in memorium sex has inspired epic sagas, millions of jokes, limmericks and even Canterbury Tales.

It even made it's way into earth sciences. The topless natives that I enjoyed "studying" as a boy in old issues of National Geographic have all but vanished in real life, thanks to the work of earnest missionaries. And, in another burst of irony; the Kama Sutra, notwithstanding, the "Missionary Position" has been immortalized as the standard for male-female physical connectivity.

Sadly, bare-breasted women had all but disappeared from Post WWII mainstream drugstore magazine racks, at least until Hugh Hefner launched Playboy with Marilyn Monroe in 1953!

Have you ever noticed that whenever you bring up the topic of Sex in mixed company (IE: Men and Women) that voices become hushed, eyebrows raise, cheeks flush and nervous titters of subdued snickering can begin.

It elicts a wide range of reactions and it all gets rather confusing very quickly.

Let me see if I can shed a little light here.

God Himself dedicated 2 of the 10 commandments to sexual issues. In the thousands of years in pre-commandment times, Sex rules must have been left up to individual interpretation. But now in the post-Moses era, God has chalked the field.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. (What about teenagery? Or people who never grew up? There might be a loophole here.)

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.

NOTE: Commandment 2 above is really easy to obey if your neighbor's wife weighs 275 lbs. Not a lot of coveting goin' on there.

Since 10-Commandment time, society and religion have even further defined the rules for human sexual behavior. Since I was raised as a guilt-ridden Catholic, I learned early on about the destructive potential of Sex. It was kind of like nitrogylcerine...if used outside the prescribed role of pro-creation within wedlock ( an interesting term) , you could shake things up to the point where you would blow yourself to flinders in mortal sin and end up roasting in Hell for all eternity plus 20 minutes.

That thought gave me this scary dream as a kid.

SCENE ONE: 23rd Level of Hell where the New Arrival joins a burned, blistered and tormented crew shoveling white hot coals:

New Arrival: Hi I'm Birk...

Hell Occupant One: What are you in for?

New Arrival: (Slightly embarrassed) Well, I had, ahem...well, ahh...in a ahhh...sex and ahhh...

Hell Occupant Two: Sex? Hahahahaha!

New Arrival: What's so funny? Who are you guys and what are you in for?

Hell Occupant One: I'm Adolf Hitler and this's Mao Tse Tung, Joe Stalin's on coffee break. Grab a shovel Pal and tell us how your sexcapades got you way down here...this oughta be good.

_________________________

Hmmmm...seems like sex can really get you in deep-do-do if you ascribe to the mortal sin = burn in Hell belief system.

But wait a minute...let's look a little closer at the types of sex.

CATEGORY ONE: MENTAL SEX

Fantasy Sex: the most raptuously pleasureable experience you can imagine with any human being past, present or future. 

Impromptu Mental Sex: the kind of sex you can envision having on the spur of the moment, or the drop of a hat, or in the blink of an eye with a beautiful person at the peak of their physical prowess. For men - a spectacular 20-year old female, for women a 20-year old Adonis.

Silver Screen Projection Sex: the kind of sex you have in your mind with a specific Big Screen Hollywood star or MTV vixen...Racquel Welch, Jennifer Aniston, Bo Derek, Madonna, Wally Cox or Rock Hudson...Hey, there's a lid for every pot!

Neighbor Sex: the kind of sex you have in your mind with the lady up the block who gardens in really tight short shorts and a halter top. Or, in the case of lady fantasizers, the well-tanned muscly guy who cuts the grass in his Speedo.

Office Sex: the kind of mental sex you have with any co-worker who "turns you on" - clear the desk! (I actually had an associate who walked in on a receptionist and an account executive enjoying sex on my antique cherry wood tailor's table. I heard about it the next day.)

Travel Sex: the kind of mental sex inspired by white sand beaches, blue waters, or by bearskin rugs and roaring fires in a chalet. Las Vegas, Aspen and Sandals has created a multi-billion dollar industry out of this imagery.

Forbidden Sex: akin to Fantasy Sex...but much naughtier, kinkier or preverse from the norms of the specific society. Pour the champagne, squirt the whipped cream, paint on the chocolate jello pudding and fire up Robbie The Robot.

The great thing about Mental Sex is it's all in your mind, so it's FREE and guilt free, unless of course you tell Fr. Murphy about those impure thoughts you've been having about Mary Jo, who lived behind Western Bowl...well, that's another story.

CATEGORY TWO: LIFE STAGE SEX

Pre-Teen Solo Sex: The personal discovery and experience of the "other use" of human plumbing. As comedian Lewis Black said, "I'll never forget the first time I had sex, there I was all alone!"

Teen Age Sex: Margaret Mead's coming of age in Samoa is a classic of exploratory innocence on this topic. Blue Lagoon, anyone? Brooke Shields inspired lots of scuba-diving!

Farm Sex: Kids that grow up around cows, pigs and horses get a bird's eye view of Nature in action. Down on the farm, a roll in the hay could result in a bun in the oven and a shotgun wedding...or an extended trip to visit Aunt Ethel in the city.

Drive-In Sex: That now by-gone era of back-seat, steamed up windows, hot-buttered unsalted popcorn sex and Rodan. DP...are you laughing?

Parent's Out Of Town Sex: A variation of Parents Are At Work sex...usually in the basement, rathskeller or girl's bedroom...but an attic or garage will do in a pinch

Pub Sex: The kind you have when Mr. Happy gets lucky...also known as everyone looks great at closing time sex. The downside of this is waking up with a woman who has a better moustache than you do! Hello Leo!!

Dirty-Flirty Bar Sex: The kind practiced by barmaids with "enhanced bosoms" that are generously exposed in revealing low-cut blouses to their drooling male customers as a very successful means of enhancing their tips. The rule is - "Spy a nip...sweeten the tip!" It's kinda tit for tat.

Highschool Sex - was there really such a thing? Those of us who went to all boys Catholic Prep Schools still wonder about what the public school co-ed action was like.

College Sex: In the dorm, in the Frat House, in the Castlewood Hilton, on the 50-yard line, in the Dean's office, in the gym, under the bleachers, on the kitchen table, in the library closet, on a hammock, trapeze, parallell bars or rings - or on a hayride or in a truckbed. College students are the original anywhere anytime sexcapaders. Did I miss any locations?

Pre-Marital Engagement Sex: That exciting test-drive period when the engaged couple is fully engaged in coupling and proving how great it's going to be once they are together in wedded bliss forever. It is the undressed rehearsal for the Honeymoon.

Honeymoon and Newly-wed Sex: The songs "In the Mood" and "Makin' Whoopee" seems to cover this time of life. It's a lot like College Sex, but with the same person in your own pad. Very convenient.

Baby-Makin' Sex: It's time to do your duty for Humanity, Queen and Country and reproduce! How many???...well, that's a good question. Eight Is Enough...and Cheaper By The Dozen were just two wrong answers.

Married Life Sex: Every other day sex now moves to Friday night and/or Saturday morning, then to every other week, then to once a month, then to whenever a headache, pressing engagement, kid's soccer game/sleepover or workday meeting isn't looming. Finally it settles in on New Year's Eve, Anniversary day and of course, it's here's your favorite Birthday Present time.

Divorced Sex: That feverish flurry of red hot sexual activity following being kicked to the curb; when "The Kicked One" seeks to re-establish their desireability, self-esteem and sex appeal. Cougar Sex had it's roots here...and they were bleached roots in many cases.

Adventure Sex: Mile High Club, Million Man March, Band Sex, Beach Sex, Cougar Conquest...it's more about the thrill of the chase than actually mounting and keeping the trophy.

Trophy Wife/Husband Sex: Proves that if money can't buy happiness, at least it can underwite a lot of earthly pleasure.

Friends With Privileges Sex: Consentual, recreational , exploratory, erotic, sensual and often racous and rapturous...it's how some people play. Cheaper than golf, not as rigorous as camping, hunting or birdwatching, no binoculars and heavy equipment needed and it's rarely rained out.

Sex At Sixty: I'm not talking miles per hour here. This is where fore-play becomes eight-play...twice as long. Who's in a hurry? Pass the Cialis and let the good times roll. It's all about experience, expertise, comfort, care and consideration. And more than a few laughs!!

Octoberfest Sex: A great German invention where eveyone reverts to being single for 2-weeks. It's the original don't ask, don't tell event. A great way to celebrate the Harvest and sow a few wild oats. Ein bier Fraulein, bitte schoen.

Hooker Sex: If you're on a limited budget and can't underwrite permanent pleasure with a Trophy Spouse/Mistress/BoyToy, at least you can rent it by the hour.

Gentlemen's Club Sex - it's like a visit to The Art Museum, only the naked works of art here are not still lifes or made of cold marble - they are well-oiled visions of poetry in motion on a polished pole.

Heinz Catsup Sex - it's the kind where the Anticipation is better than the actual event.

Make Up Sex - Maybelline, Avon or Clinique isn't involved. It's that sex that follows a spat, argument, greivance or WWIII. It verifies that all is well again...open the champagne and put the roses in the vase.

Your Parent's Sex - it's unimaginable, unfathomable, improbable, anti-picturesque and eewwww gross - it makes you believe you were ordered from L.L.Bean.

David Letterman Sex - it's a sure fire ratings booster and will undoubtedly inspire more than a few tabloid articles, Top Ten Lists and Stupid Pet Tricks. Makes you wonder who's under Dave's desk tonight.

Halloween Sex - it's when a sexy girl dressed like a witch jumps out of your closet and yells, "taBOO!"

Sheepish Sex - People don't ordinarily flock to it, but, according to lonely shephards, it's not Baaaaaaahhhd.

____________________________

BIG SEX QUESTIONS:

Why did God make the female form the apple of man's eye? And vice versa?

Why is sex such a powerful urge?

Why is sex so enduring...at least in theory and memory, if not in practice?

Is Sex synonomous with Love?

That's a HUGE question.

Can you have love without sex?

Can you have sex without love?

Is Lovemaking a misnomer for Sexcapading?

And, finally is sauce for the goose really sauce for the gander? A lot of folks have gotten in big trouble for taking a gander and giving a goose when sauced.

REALITY CHECK:

There are some people who are made for each other. They meet, fall in love and stay that way for the rest of their joyous and blissful lives.

Does anyone care to venture what percentage of the human population that is?

Whatever number is left is the rest of humanity.

Which group are you in?

Sex is a REALLY big deal in America. Not such a big deal in Paris or Rio. Why?

Vive la differance!

Polynesia before the Europeans introduced venereal diseases, Christianity and bras was really a pretty idyllic place where sex was just as natural as swimming. Polynesia must have been a lot like what Paradise must have been like before the dreaded "Apple-Reptile incident."

Is Sex just another normal bodily function - like breathing, eating and food processing? Have we attached an undue level of importance to it though man-made conventions, property laws and religious taboos?

What is "normal" Sex?

Oh boy! That really opens up Pandora's Box...personally, I'm a man-woman one-on-one kinda guy. A lot of the stuff I hear about is well beyond the pale of normal to me. I think there is a human bell-curve of Sexual Activity with most "normal" being in the middle with some extremes at either end.

I think Einstein's theory of relativity comes into play here too. What is normal is culturally and individually relative. Polygamy was accepted in many cultures for thousands of years, even in early Judeo-Christian settings. And homosexuality of both the male and female variety was normal in Athens. And, of course Cpl. Klinger popularized trans-genderism on M.A.S.H. Wasn't he lovely in chiffon?

Did you every wonder about The Lone Ranger and Tonto? Yancey Derringer and Pahoo? Or, Pancho and Cisco? Talk about gay caballeros!

Same sex preferences have existed from time in memorium. Amazons, Lesbians, Athenian man-love...it's all there in the pages of world history. The spirit of Sodom and Gommorah and the sex trade is still alive today. The world's oldest profession still attracts many practitioners and clients.

I even wondered about the Faun of Greco-Roman mythology...half-goat, half man and 100% weird. And, what about Jabba The Hutt? How did that dude get concieved? Now there's an anti-picturesque thought.

Sex is in its bare essence (no pun intended) all about creativity and the expression of it.

The hit TV show MAD MEN revels in the "steamy sexy creativity" of the advertising agency business back in the sexy 60's. And, the cable show HUNG has plowed new ground in making male prostitution acceptable and oddly funny. The role reversal of female client and male hooker is simultaneously alarming, amusing and totally bizarre.

Sex is usually unique to every genus and species, unless of course, man intervenes and creates the Labradoodle.

The human race has produced a myriad of indviduals from the sexual comingling of races. Some of the most exotically beautiful women in the world are Eurasian and Afrocausian. Author Graham Hancock's wife is a stunningly beautiful Ethiopian woman with refined Caucasian features and a skin as black as night.

The more I look at history, the more I see the powerful and pervasive role that sex has played. The redheads of Northern Italy...owe it to the conquering armies of Barbarossa. The Black Irish come from the comingling of the Irish and Spanish sailors shipwrecked after their Armada was sunk in 1588.

Costa Ricans today are a marvelous mixture of indigenous Central American Indians, African slaves, Spanish conquistadores and German immigrants.

Everywhere I go I see the dance of God's creative sexual expressions playing out. Sex will continue to be popular...not just because it is centrally-located, but because mankind is still a work in progress.

It's up to each one of us to learn how to use our sexual energy...perhaps, the commandment to love one another is the divine tempering mechanism that separates man from the chimp...and David Letterman from Jon Stewart.

I'll ask my banana-eating companion in the photo about that and get back to you with a second opinion. Did you know that only 8 chromosones separate the DNA of Man from Chimpanzee?

Gee, I could'a had a furcoat!

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen Of The Repbulic

PS: As a friend of mine once said, "Enjoy sex now...because we're all gonna be dead for a very long time."

A similar notion is expressed in the lyrics of a silly polka song, "In heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here."

And as Mae West so wryly and wisely observed, "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."

Is it any wonder that when someone asks, "Shall we? "

That so many others enthusiastically answer, "Lets!!!"

PS 2: "Tennis Anyone?" --could that be a cleverly coded Country Club metaphor for this age old question.

PS 3: "Brace yourself Maureen!" is also known as "Irish foreplay."

Hillary Clinton Will Resign Or Get Fired - A Birk Prediction Revisited

Dear Pals,

Way back when in my 2009 Fearless Forecast, I made this prediction:

"#20. President Obama Will Fire A Major Cabinet Member - this will have a big impact on the U.S. political and world scene. Just like Truman fired McArthur, Obama will fire Hillary Clinton for similar reasons in late 2009 or early 2010. Politics has always made strange bedfellows...but, three's a crowd."

Well, here it is October 2009, and just for the sheer audacity of it, I'm going to crawl way out on a limb and revisit my assumptions and revise the prediction.

SITUATION REVIEW:

1) Take a close look at Hillary's face today in any setting - she looks tired, worn out, angry and I think she's pretty frustrated. She's even gotten a little snippy when asked about Obama and Bill.

2) She's been marginalized to being 2nd Banana in the State Department by Obama (the titular head and face and mouthpiece-in Chief of everything) and his Special Envoys like John Mitchell et al.  

Hillary's been largely relegated to touring countries that are largely out of view, or sitting politely in the audience to applaud Obama at the UN or in Cairo.

3) Even her husband got the credit and glory for springing the reporters from North Korea.

4) Everywhere she looks, Obama is the face of everything from Healthcare to Foreign Policy, to the UN to the Olympic bids.

5) Hillary is always sitting there in the shadow of some doofus.

6) As Obama has changed The White House into The Waffle House with his equivocations over Afghanistan and his Chamberlainesque naivete in dealing with the Russians, Iranians, North Koreans and Islamic world, I'm sure that Hillary has had to "bite her lip" many times.

7) Now, Sara Palin resurfaces with her new book and boldly steps into the limelight of being America's most compelling female political figure. Palin's star is shining and rising as Hillary's is diminished, dimmed and reduced to the role of global "butt boy" and supporting actress to Barack and even Michelle Obama.

HERE'S MY PREDICTION:

Hillary has to be asking herself some pretty hard questions, like these:

Has my time passed?

Why do I have to play 2nd Banana, first to to Bill and now to Obama? Why me?

How long can I sit by and listen to Joe Biden contradict the views of US Military commanders?

How long do I have to sit here in the shadows as the Obama administration bungles its opportunities?

Here's where I go out on the limb.

I think Hillary will resign before February of 2010.

If Obama doesn't can her over a policy rift, she'll find a reason that isn't blatantly confrontational to step down gracefully. She will still want to be seen as a "good soldier," loyal Democrat and a team player - but, once out of the administration she'll begin to distance herself from Obama policies before the 2010 midterm elections - she'll be watching the 2010 elections with a very keen eye.

If Obama and the Democrats get handed a bloody defeat, then she'll quickly move into Hillary 2012 mode .

Her campaign slogan could be: I Told You So!

But, she'll actually be a lot smoother and shrewder than that.

She'll present herself as the experienced and seasoned choice to save the party and The White House from a national rejection of Obama. She'll harken back to the success of the Clinton years and promise a return to fiscal sanity and a realistic worldview toward America's enemies.

She'll move heaven and earth and Bill's old base to mount a challenge to Obama's policies. She'll avoid attacking the man, but she will take on his policy gaffs.

Bill is even a likely candidate for Secretary of State in a future Hillary administration given his Clinton Global Intiative work and success with Kim Jung Il.

What a doozey of a battle it could shape up to be.

Can you imagine Hillary upsetting Obama and running in 2012 against Sara Palin?

I can? (But I have a pretty lively imagination!)

We'll see....

Birk -Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic "A Mob of One!"

PS: Congratulations RIO!

Achtung! Harley Riding Amigos...Fearless Entrepreneurial Partners Sought For Sturgis, South Dakota Escapade For Fun And Profits!!

Dear Pals,

If you love ridin' Harleys...or other big bikes.

If you love chili, beer and raisin' a little hell from time to time.

If you love the idea of going to Sturgis, South Dakota next year on business for fun and profit.

If you have $10,000.00 in "100% discretionary cash" to take a "complete flyer."

Let me hear from you.

I'm looking for no more than 10 gutsy fun-loving partners to invest $10,000.00 each for an aggregate 50% stake in an LLC to create a new consumer brand backed by a marketing scheme I've developed.

Every $10,000 buys 5% of the LLC units. Plus you'll be paid for your personal promotional   participation and bike expenses and your trip to Sturgis may all be business promotional expenses in this scenario. (Your CPA will need to advise you on this).

I'm contributing the brand Intellectual Property, marketing services, new product development and management expertise for my 50%.  

When I find the fearless entrepreneurs, who are a bunch of fun and sales loving souls and raise the $100 grand, we'll have a meeting and the business plan details will be revealed.

Call me 314-918-7500.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

The plan is to pay the cash-investors out first...as it should be.

Be part of the adventure...if you have the cahones, or can rent some.

Hahahaha!

SPECIAL THANKS TO MY PAL DAVID R. who reminded me that Sturgis is is South Dakota, NOT Wyoming as I had originally written. It was my mistake. At 3:00 a.m. I'm ahhhh... just a tad geographically challenged.

Please Bury Michael Jackson Here In St. Louis! Create A Living Legacy To Benefit Musicians And Entertainers And Music For Schools Programs.

Dear Pals,

Michael Jackson's Mother has not as yet decided where to bury him.

My Pal the G-Man came up with this truly brilliant idea.

Invite his Mother to bury Michael Jackson here.

St. Louis is:

1. Centrally-located in the American Heartland.

2. St. Louis has a great African-American musical entertainment tradition from Scott Joplin, W. C. Handy, Josephine Baker, Ike and Tina Turner, Katherine Dunham, Chuck Berry and of course, Nellie!

3. Having Michael Jackson buried here would be a real tribute to St. Louis', East St. Louis' and indeed America's African-American musical heritage.

Mayor Slay...are you reading the blog today??

The City of St. Louis could construct a world class,audio-video-interactive Michael Jackson Memorial and Museum in Forest Park.

Imagine this, every visitor from across the world, who pays for admission, would know that 50% of the ticket price would go to support Music in the Schools programs and scholarships for talented young musicians and entertainers...we might even be able to establish an adjucnt Michael Jackson American Pop Music Academy here.

I'll bet Nellie would step up to be an instructor and "inspirer."

Whaddya think?

I think it's a cool idea and a win win win on many levels.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen Of The Republic

At Last!!! Something Positive To Look Forward To: The Oxygen Preservation, Environmental Enrichment And Carbon Dioxide Emissions Abatement Act. Is This A Great "Green" Idea That's Time Has Come? Or What?

"We gotta go green...or, else we will all stop breathing." - Al Snore,

Hey, Al my Pal, that gives me an nifty new idea...

Dear Pals,

Let's create: The Oxygen Preservation, Environmental Enrichment And Carbon Dioxide Emissions Abatement Act.

Wow! That sure sounds great!

Doesn't it?

Kinda sounds really really good just like: Really Great and Really Cheap Healthcare For Everybody!!

Whoopee!

Yahoo!

Hosanna and Amen! Brother Barack!

As my good Pal the G-Man often says, "Sign me up Coach!"

But, wait a minute what does all that fancy legislative lingo really mean???

It's what I call: Operation: "Tax A Deep Breath!"

You've heard of the "Death Tax" - well, this the "Breath Tax" - I think this just might be an idea the Obamacare Liberals can really get behind?

We talk a lot about our carbon footprint...but what about our carbon mouthprint??

Think about this:

The average respiratory rate reported in a healthy adult at rest is usually given as 12 breaths per minute (12⁄60 Hz). That's 720 breaths per hour, 17,280 breaths per day, 6,307,200 breaths per year.

Think of the TAX revenue opportunity!!! 

The government could have a minimum annual breath tax for every Citizen breather and then surtaxes for really wealthy people, fat people, high-oxygen using athletes, runners, people who need oxygen tanks and respirators and even those heavy breathers, who always seem to sit behind me in the East St. Louis gentlemen's clubs. (Ooops!)

Wowie Zowie!! Uncle Howie!

Here is the proposed Breath Tax Schedule based on 6,307,200 breaths per year.

TIER ONE Breathers: The uberwealthy such as John Kerry's wife, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, George Soros, Boone Pickens, Rush Limbaugh, Kobe Bryant, Barbara Streisand, Brad Pitt, David Letterman, Bill O'Reilly, Larry King, Payton Manning, Madonna, Sean Hannity, Michael Jordan, Chris Matthews, Oprah Winfrey, Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, Martha Stewart, Stephen Speilberg, Tom Hanks, Glenn Beck, All the Talking Heads at NBC/CBS/ABC/PBS/CNN Networks, John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Keith Olbermann, Jimmy Kimmel, Barney Madoff, Bob Beckle, Timothy Geithner, Henry Paulson et cetera: $1.00 per breath or $6.307 million per year each. $17,279.00 per day.

They'll pay it because they have a lot of good reasons to want to keep breathing.

TIER TWO Breathers: CEOs and senior level executives of the Big Bailed Out Banks, AIG and Wall Street investment firms that received billion dollar bailouts, TARP funds and BIG FAT BONUSES: $0.50 per breath or $3.150 million per year each. $8630.10 per day.

TIER THREE Breathers: Other Bankers and Lawyers (except trial attorneys who will be exempted, naturally) mid and low level Hollywood movie actors and Hollywood producers: $ 0.10 per breath or $63,072.00 per year each. That' $172.80 per day.

TIER FOUR Breathers: Working stiffs, doctors and nurses, policemen, firemen, small business owners, Mom & Pop shops and the ordinary employed citizens: $0.001 per breath or $630.12 per year. That's just $1.73 per day...a bargain!

ACTIVE military pays 25% or 43 cents/day.

TIER FIVE Breathers: The infirm, chronically ill, elderly, mentally-handicapped, town nuisances and generally "non-productive" or high maintenance people. If you have someone like this in your family, then the family would pay an additional $630.12 compassion Breath Tax to cover that person.

Or, your family could opt for the Obamacare Plan PDO** for these folks.

TIER SIX Breathers: Illegal immigrants, incarcerated criminals and Michael Moore. These folks will be subsidized by the TIER FOUR Breathers for 34,560 breaths or two sundowns - whichever comes first. Hahahaha...just kidding.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This is a totally optional and voluntary participation government-sponsored contributive tax program. If you do not wish to pay the Breath Tax, you may get a permanent exemption by simply going to the Federal Breath Control Center nearest you, where you will be placed in the ODC*** for 5-minutes. This service is provided FREE under Obamacare.

But what about all the hot air and CO2 put out by the DEE CEE PECers??? (Political Elite Class)

That's a very good question. Here's the answer - heed it and then sit down and shut up, if you know what's good for you...you uncaring, unAmerican S.O.B. (Someone Opposing Barack)

The DEE CEE PECers will exempt themselves from having to pay the Breath Tax (Congressmen/Senators/Judges and senior level Federal Employees and their union thug mouth breathers at SEIU and ACORN) just like they will exempt themselves from the Healthcare Plan they are "currently crafting" for schmoos like you and me.

But, don't worry, that still leaves about 199 million breathing citizen schmoos from age zero to dead to pay the Breath Tax.

NOTE: Pregnant women would be taxed twice since they are actually "breathing for two"...or maybe even more, if it's the Octomom. This "double taxation" could be avoided if the pregnant woman opted for the Pro-Choice Early Out Option provided FREE at the nearest Federally-funded family carbon footprint control center.

And, since all of these dirty rotton carbon-dioxide emmitting citizen breathers are using up our earth's precious oxygen at an alarming rate, I'm suggesting that this act be retroactive to their BORN ON DATE...up to a maximum of their total financial net worth and last pair of underwear.

This is a great way to raise tons of money fast and forever!!

It's a new and as yet untapped source of money the Feds really need and can readily use to 1) pay for more fiscal foolishness, 2) get old people to choose Obamacare "Plan PDO**" 3) and keep our planet green by not using up the earth's limited-supply of precious Oxygen or 4) fund ACORN to "community organize" and register more Democrat voters as people stop breathing. 

Wait a minute...doesn't the process of photosynthesis have CO2 or carbon dioxide absorbed by plants and then returned to the atmosphere as O or oxygen which is what we breathe?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32344842/ns/technology_and_science-the_new_york_times

Am I right or wrong? Help me out...you scientists out there.

As Kermit The Frog (not, Kermit The Roosevelt) once said, "It's not easy being green."

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of what's left of The Republic and a very vocal albeit unorganized Mob Of ONE and "unAmerican S.O.B" - Someone Opposing Barack

PS: **Obama Plan PDO is the Planet Departure Option.

Under the terms of PDO Section: 231, Article: 345-B, Subsection: 372E, Paragraph 4567, you can choose to stop breathing at any time that you or your family members, or the person with Power Of Attorney or the GAYWKOOB (aka: the Government Are You Worth Keeping On Oxygen Board) decides, except during Federal holidays and other blackout dates.

***ODC is the Oxygen Deprivation Chamber.

If you are in one of the the Top Tier Breather groups you will get a raspberry-flavored chocolate-covered cyanide pill and a Bud Light to assist you in the PDO.

If you aren't a Tier One, Two or Three Breather, then a Federally-subsidized SEIU/ACORN Transition To Eternal Serenity Counsellor will come to your home and, at your or your family's direction: 

1) Shoot you in the brain with a .22 ( you will be charged 79-cents for the bullet) 

My Pal Jack said, "It's just another kinda of Cap and Trade...they "cap" you and then you trade in being vertically active to being permanently horizontal in a box?"

2) or, Smother you with a pillow (no charge if you provide the pillow),

3) or, Beat your brains out with an aluminum baseball bat...or, for baseball purists like George Will and Bob Costas, an all wood Louisville Slugger may be used.

Sorry, no golf clubs, hockey sticks, tire irons, cricket bats, Jack Daniels' whiskey barrel staves, rolling pins, bowling pins, concrete blocks, bricks, stones or other types of masonry may be used.

THE VERY SPECIAL "TOO GOOD FOR US" POLITICAL ELITE CLASS (PECer) BREATHER TEIR: Naturally, all U.S. Congressmen and Senators and senior-level Federal Government Officials would be kept on oxygen endlessly, so that they can continue to "serve the taxpayers" and "do the people's business."

Special breathing and oxygen arrangements can also be made for leading Democrat Party Political contributors and party-hack windbags like Paul Bagalia and James Carville. 

In the future, if even more revenue will be needed to feed "The Beast," the Breath Tax can always be expanded to include pet breaths, livestock breaths and or course, human and animal anal aperture gas emissions. This would be under the new FART program ( Federal Air Refreshment Tax).

Welcome to the Brave New World of Omama, Obama!

Do I exaggerate and make sport of Obamacare? Of course!!! But we'll see...Take a big deep breath of free American air...while you still can.

In the meantime, c'mon and sing along with The Chicago Band, featuring Rahm Emmanuel and the Obama Rhythm Czars:

"Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you...I'll be watching you...I'll be taxing you..."

See you in the Gulag!

Question: Are you offended at being characterized as UNAMERICAN for very vocally disagreeing with the government on Healthcare?

Democrat leaders Steny Hoyer and Nancy Pelosi have called ordinary citizens like you and me, who are loudly protesting at town hall meetings - UNAMERICAN.

UnAmerican...let's all remember that in 2010 and 2012. If you can't vote against Nancy and Steny...you can vote against the local folks who think like them and vote with them.

President Barack Obama's Biggest Nightmare: They're Baaaaaaaack! Could It Be "BILLARY 2012?" Omama! Obama!! (BILLARY??**)

Dear Pals,

I'm very glad that former President Bill Clinton was able to extricate Al Gore's two young female journalists from the grip of Kim Jong Il.

I truly mean this, and America owes a debt of sincere gratitude to Mr. Clinton.

That said, I think that this development, which has catapulted Mr. Clinton back into the limelight of the world's center stage, will have an aftershock that will rock President Obama's world in a very major and negative way.

Let me paint a picture for you...

In 2009 and 2010, The Great Obama Repression (that's a combination of Recession and Depression and Federal Government Intrusion ) drags on and deepens despite throwing Billions after Billions at every issue in sight.

It's now November 2010 and a new coalition of Independent-Libertarians leads the way and together with the Centerist-Republicans and Reagan-Democrats, they sweep a lot of Spend-O-Crats and Waste-I-Publicans from the House and Senate in the off-year elections.

Oh Oh! Omama! Obama!

In the meantime, the globe-trotting Bill Clinton has carefully and shrewdly positioned himself and actually eclipsed Mr. Obama, the current President of the United States, on the world stage.

Is there a Nobel Peace Prize in Mr. Clinton's future??

Hillary Clinton has also carefully and shrewedly postioned herself - first as a loyal Democrat, second as a good soldier, who played "in position" and even campaigned for then Candidate Obama and third as a person, who also served President Obama well and earned her stripes as a global figure in her own right.

Following the 2010 off year election defeats of the Democrats, Hillary will begin to quickly distance herself from the Obama policies that more and more Americans are rejecting.

In January of 2009, I predicted that Obama would fire Hillary (two Clintons is at least one Clinton too many if you're a new President who's trying to keep his friends close and his enemies even closer)- I'm amending that prediction now in light of Bill Clinton's successful North Korean mission.

Obama doesn't dare replace/marginalize/fire Hillary now, it would look like sour grapes or jealousy over Bill Clinton's popular rescue mission and redemptive resurgence.

I now think that it is much more likely for Hillary to resign of her own volition in order to mount a challenge to President Obama.

It's just a question of timing. She can wait until he does something dumb, then publicly disagree with him, resign and step out on her own.

Obama's star will be falling...and Hillary will move away swiftly to position herself as an alternative...and Bill Clinton will step up to "Stand by the Woman who stood by her man."

Try to "listen to" this and see if you can hear former President Bill Clinton's voice.

BILL CLINTON: "I'm ahhh... glad that Hillary is running again. I'm biased you know, hahahaha ahhhh...not just because she's my wife, but because she was always the best and most experienced candidate.

I said that waaay back in 2008.

"Now, don't get me wrong, President Obama is a fine man and he inherited a bad situation from President George Bush - by the way, President George Bush was left with a balanced budget and a surplus by my ahhhh administrations...

"Now, ahhhh...while President Obama's personality and charm is very appealing, the fact is, ahhhh...he did not have the experience that Hillary had to offer...

"What the country needs now is Hillary.

"She has been tempered by pain and tough times. (HE BITES HIS  LIP HERE)

"She's faced every challenge, every obstacle, every disappointment with grace and dignity and ahhh...wisdom. (HE GETS THAT TRADEMARKED TEARY-EYED I FEEL YOUR PAIN LOOK)

"She's always been a loyal Democrat, then as a hard-working Senator from New York, a strong voice as a Candidate for the Presidential nomination of this party, that she dearly loves...and then as Secretary of State ahhh...she's even more qualified to be President today than she was 4-years ago ahhh...because of her experience inside The White House and on the global stage ahhh...where she's very ably represented America.

"Under my administrations, we knew how to work effectively with Republicans and Democrats and Independents and created a booming economy. Ahhhh...America can return to that kind of economy with the leadership of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

"I like Barack Obama...but, I love Hillary. And, I'll do anything I can to help her, anytime anyplace."

IN CENTER STAGE SPOTLIGHT: Former President Clinton puts his arm lovinglly around Hillary as she looks admiringly up at him. They are all warmth, smiles and affection in this Kodak Moment (BUT NO AL/TIPPER GORE PASSION KISS - THIS IS A TENDER MOMENT...BUT IT'S STILL ALL BUSINESS!!)

CUE THE MUSIC: American Woman...

EXIT BARACK OBAMA - STAGE VERY FAR LEFT.

PLAINTIVE SOUND IN DISTANCE, JOE BIDEN: What about me...what about me? (FADE TO OBSCURITY)

CUE THE APPLAUSE, DROP BALLOONS AND CONFETTI.

CUT TO AL AND TIPPER GORE IN AUDIENCE APPLAUDING WILDLY

THE CONVENTION AUDIENCE CHANTS: Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!

CUT BACK TO CLINTONS IN TWO-SHOT - BILL STEPS BACK BARELY INTO SHADOWS TO LEAVE HILLARY ALONE IN THE SPOTLIGHT

Meanwhile across town, Sara Palin the titular head of the resurging Return To American Values movement is watching all the festivities...and loading for bear.

A very grizzley bear...

Never say, "Never..."

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic

PS: I may be totally wrong...but, I'll bet you a 6" Subway sandwich that a resurging "BILLARY" is NOT Barack Obama's dream come true...

** I prefer the term: BILLARY to HillBilly...which could be construed as an insult to hillbillies everywhere.

Please feel free to report me to Comrade Linda Douglass, the Czarina in charge of the The Ministry Of Political Thought Management and Opinion Control that is headquartered in the LEFT WING of The White House.

www.flag@whitehouse.gov