Dear Pals,
I was watching the news reports on the Gay/Lesbian/Transgender march in Washington this past weekend and it got me to thinking about Sex and its various mutations and manifestations throughout the ages. It truly is a topic you can sink your teeth into.
Be warned: This is going to get pretty deep pretty quick, so you might want to put on your waders.
Sex...what's it all about Alfie?
There have been tens of thousands of learned volumes, instructional tributes and trashy books and medical, philosophical and erotic poems and articles written on this fascinating topic.
Sex is all around us. And, it has always been thus.
Sex is on the cover of every checkout lane tabloid, it's a click away on 20 kajillion porn sites and pay-per-view TV channels and it's hard-wired, mechanically plumbed into our body and soft-wired into our brain and nervous system. Sex is accessible 24/7/365 no matter where we are are, who we are with or what we're doing.
Sex has a yin and yang to it. On the positive side, its been used as an incentive, a bargaining chip, a reward and on the negative side as punishment and retribution.
Sex has probably been the world's greatest reliever of physical stress, source of joy and pleasure and greatest cause of emotional and interpersonal stress. It is as prickly as a porcupine. It has entangled Presidents, Prime Ministers, Popes and peons.
Sex has been glorified on ancient temple walls and cities have been reportedly erased from the face of the planet in a cloud of fire and brimstone because of sexual perversion and wanton excessess. The Pharoah Ramses II, who had scores of wives and fathered more than 70 children has ironically had a condom brand named after him.
Does that strike you as odd?
Sex views, perspectives and mores have always varied from culture to culture and age to age. Witness the harems of the Ottoman Empire and the concubines of the Chinese Emporer in the Forbidden City and the brothels of Virginia City, the Roman Baths and The Coral Courts on Route 66.
Contrary to popular belief, it was not Helen of Troy's face that launched a thousand ships. It was actually another three of Helen's legendary body parts. From time in memorium sex has inspired epic sagas, millions of jokes, limmericks and even Canterbury Tales.
It even made it's way into earth sciences. The topless natives that I enjoyed "studying" as a boy in old issues of National Geographic have all but vanished in real life, thanks to the work of earnest missionaries. And, in another burst of irony; the Kama Sutra, notwithstanding, the "Missionary Position" has been immortalized as the standard for male-female physical connectivity.
Sadly, bare-breasted women had all but disappeared from Post WWII mainstream drugstore magazine racks, at least until Hugh Hefner launched Playboy with Marilyn Monroe in 1953!
Have you ever noticed that whenever you bring up the topic of Sex in mixed company (IE: Men and Women) that voices become hushed, eyebrows raise, cheeks flush and nervous titters of subdued snickering can begin.
It elicts a wide range of reactions and it all gets rather confusing very quickly.
Let me see if I can shed a little light here.
God Himself dedicated 2 of the 10 commandments to sexual issues. In the thousands of years in pre-commandment times, Sex rules must have been left up to individual interpretation. But now in the post-Moses era, God has chalked the field.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. (What about teenagery? Or people who never grew up? There might be a loophole here.)
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
NOTE: Commandment 2 above is really easy to obey if your neighbor's wife weighs 275 lbs. Not a lot of coveting goin' on there.
Since 10-Commandment time, society and religion have even further defined the rules for human sexual behavior. Since I was raised as a guilt-ridden Catholic, I learned early on about the destructive potential of Sex. It was kind of like nitrogylcerine...if used outside the prescribed role of pro-creation within wedlock ( an interesting term) , you could shake things up to the point where you would blow yourself to flinders in mortal sin and end up roasting in Hell for all eternity plus 20 minutes.
That thought gave me this scary dream as a kid.
SCENE ONE: 23rd Level of Hell where the New Arrival joins a burned, blistered and tormented crew shoveling white hot coals:
New Arrival: Hi I'm Birk...
Hell Occupant One: What are you in for?
New Arrival: (Slightly embarrassed) Well, I had, ahem...well, ahh...in a ahhh...sex and ahhh...
Hell Occupant Two: Sex? Hahahahaha!
New Arrival: What's so funny? Who are you guys and what are you in for?
Hell Occupant One: I'm Adolf Hitler and this's Mao Tse Tung, Joe Stalin's on coffee break. Grab a shovel Pal and tell us how your sexcapades got you way down here...this oughta be good.
_________________________
Hmmmm...seems like sex can really get you in deep-do-do if you ascribe to the mortal sin = burn in Hell belief system.
But wait a minute...let's look a little closer at the types of sex.
CATEGORY ONE: MENTAL SEX
Fantasy Sex: the most raptuously pleasureable experience you can imagine with any human being past, present or future.
Impromptu Mental Sex: the kind of sex you can envision having on the spur of the moment, or the drop of a hat, or in the blink of an eye with a beautiful person at the peak of their physical prowess. For men - a spectacular 20-year old female, for women a 20-year old Adonis.
Silver Screen Projection Sex: the kind of sex you have in your mind with a specific Big Screen Hollywood star or MTV vixen...Racquel Welch, Jennifer Aniston, Bo Derek, Madonna, Wally Cox or Rock Hudson...Hey, there's a lid for every pot!
Neighbor Sex: the kind of sex you have in your mind with the lady up the block who gardens in really tight short shorts and a halter top. Or, in the case of lady fantasizers, the well-tanned muscly guy who cuts the grass in his Speedo.
Office Sex: the kind of mental sex you have with any co-worker who "turns you on" - clear the desk! (I actually had an associate who walked in on a receptionist and an account executive enjoying sex on my antique cherry wood tailor's table. I heard about it the next day.)
Travel Sex: the kind of mental sex inspired by white sand beaches, blue waters, or by bearskin rugs and roaring fires in a chalet. Las Vegas, Aspen and Sandals has created a multi-billion dollar industry out of this imagery.
Forbidden Sex: akin to Fantasy Sex...but much naughtier, kinkier or preverse from the norms of the specific society. Pour the champagne, squirt the whipped cream, paint on the chocolate jello pudding and fire up Robbie The Robot.
The great thing about Mental Sex is it's all in your mind, so it's FREE and guilt free, unless of course you tell Fr. Murphy about those impure thoughts you've been having about Mary Jo, who lived behind Western Bowl...well, that's another story.
CATEGORY TWO: LIFE STAGE SEX
Pre-Teen Solo Sex: The personal discovery and experience of the "other use" of human plumbing. As comedian Lewis Black said, "I'll never forget the first time I had sex, there I was all alone!"
Teen Age Sex: Margaret Mead's coming of age in Samoa is a classic of exploratory innocence on this topic. Blue Lagoon, anyone? Brooke Shields inspired lots of scuba-diving!
Farm Sex: Kids that grow up around cows, pigs and horses get a bird's eye view of Nature in action. Down on the farm, a roll in the hay could result in a bun in the oven and a shotgun wedding...or an extended trip to visit Aunt Ethel in the city.
Drive-In Sex: That now by-gone era of back-seat, steamed up windows, hot-buttered unsalted popcorn sex and Rodan. DP...are you laughing?
Parent's Out Of Town Sex: A variation of Parents Are At Work sex...usually in the basement, rathskeller or girl's bedroom...but an attic or garage will do in a pinch
Pub Sex: The kind you have when Mr. Happy gets lucky...also known as everyone looks great at closing time sex. The downside of this is waking up with a woman who has a better moustache than you do! Hello Leo!!
Dirty-Flirty Bar Sex: The kind practiced by barmaids with "enhanced bosoms" that are generously exposed in revealing low-cut blouses to their drooling male customers as a very successful means of enhancing their tips. The rule is - "Spy a nip...sweeten the tip!" It's kinda tit for tat.
Highschool Sex - was there really such a thing? Those of us who went to all boys Catholic Prep Schools still wonder about what the public school co-ed action was like.
College Sex: In the dorm, in the Frat House, in the Castlewood Hilton, on the 50-yard line, in the Dean's office, in the gym, under the bleachers, on the kitchen table, in the library closet, on a hammock, trapeze, parallell bars or rings - or on a hayride or in a truckbed. College students are the original anywhere anytime sexcapaders. Did I miss any locations?
Pre-Marital Engagement Sex: That exciting test-drive period when the engaged couple is fully engaged in coupling and proving how great it's going to be once they are together in wedded bliss forever. It is the undressed rehearsal for the Honeymoon.
Honeymoon and Newly-wed Sex: The songs "In the Mood" and "Makin' Whoopee" seems to cover this time of life. It's a lot like College Sex, but with the same person in your own pad. Very convenient.
Baby-Makin' Sex: It's time to do your duty for Humanity, Queen and Country and reproduce! How many???...well, that's a good question. Eight Is Enough...and Cheaper By The Dozen were just two wrong answers.
Married Life Sex: Every other day sex now moves to Friday night and/or Saturday morning, then to every other week, then to once a month, then to whenever a headache, pressing engagement, kid's soccer game/sleepover or workday meeting isn't looming. Finally it settles in on New Year's Eve, Anniversary day and of course, it's here's your favorite Birthday Present time.
Divorced Sex: That feverish flurry of red hot sexual activity following being kicked to the curb; when "The Kicked One" seeks to re-establish their desireability, self-esteem and sex appeal. Cougar Sex had it's roots here...and they were bleached roots in many cases.
Adventure Sex: Mile High Club, Million Man March, Band Sex, Beach Sex, Cougar Conquest...it's more about the thrill of the chase than actually mounting and keeping the trophy.
Trophy Wife/Husband Sex: Proves that if money can't buy happiness, at least it can underwite a lot of earthly pleasure.
Friends With Privileges Sex: Consentual, recreational , exploratory, erotic, sensual and often racous and rapturous...it's how some people play. Cheaper than golf, not as rigorous as camping, hunting or birdwatching, no binoculars and heavy equipment needed and it's rarely rained out.
Sex At Sixty: I'm not talking miles per hour here. This is where fore-play becomes eight-play...twice as long. Who's in a hurry? Pass the Cialis and let the good times roll. It's all about experience, expertise, comfort, care and consideration. And more than a few laughs!!
Octoberfest Sex: A great German invention where eveyone reverts to being single for 2-weeks. It's the original don't ask, don't tell event. A great way to celebrate the Harvest and sow a few wild oats. Ein bier Fraulein, bitte schoen.
Hooker Sex: If you're on a limited budget and can't underwrite permanent pleasure with a Trophy Spouse/Mistress/BoyToy, at least you can rent it by the hour.
Gentlemen's Club Sex - it's like a visit to The Art Museum, only the naked works of art here are not still lifes or made of cold marble - they are well-oiled visions of poetry in motion on a polished pole.
Heinz Catsup Sex - it's the kind where the Anticipation is better than the actual event.
Make Up Sex - Maybelline, Avon or Clinique isn't involved. It's that sex that follows a spat, argument, greivance or WWIII. It verifies that all is well again...open the champagne and put the roses in the vase.
Your Parent's Sex - it's unimaginable, unfathomable, improbable, anti-picturesque and eewwww gross - it makes you believe you were ordered from L.L.Bean.
David Letterman Sex - it's a sure fire ratings booster and will undoubtedly inspire more than a few tabloid articles, Top Ten Lists and Stupid Pet Tricks. Makes you wonder who's under Dave's desk tonight.
Halloween Sex - it's when a sexy girl dressed like a witch jumps out of your closet and yells, "taBOO!"
Sheepish Sex - People don't ordinarily flock to it, but, according to lonely shephards, it's not Baaaaaaahhhd.
____________________________
BIG SEX QUESTIONS:
Why did God make the female form the apple of man's eye? And vice versa?
Why is sex such a powerful urge?
Why is sex so enduring...at least in theory and memory, if not in practice?
Is Sex synonomous with Love?
That's a HUGE question.
Can you have love without sex?
Can you have sex without love?
Is Lovemaking a misnomer for Sexcapading?
And, finally is sauce for the goose really sauce for the gander? A lot of folks have gotten in big trouble for taking a gander and giving a goose when sauced.
REALITY CHECK:
There are some people who are made for each other. They meet, fall in love and stay that way for the rest of their joyous and blissful lives.
Does anyone care to venture what percentage of the human population that is?
Whatever number is left is the rest of humanity.
Which group are you in?
Sex is a REALLY big deal in America. Not such a big deal in Paris or Rio. Why?
Vive la differance!
Polynesia before the Europeans introduced venereal diseases, Christianity and bras was really a pretty idyllic place where sex was just as natural as swimming. Polynesia must have been a lot like what Paradise must have been like before the dreaded "Apple-Reptile incident."
Is Sex just another normal bodily function - like breathing, eating and food processing? Have we attached an undue level of importance to it though man-made conventions, property laws and religious taboos?
What is "normal" Sex?
Oh boy! That really opens up Pandora's Box...personally, I'm a man-woman one-on-one kinda guy. A lot of the stuff I hear about is well beyond the pale of normal to me. I think there is a human bell-curve of Sexual Activity with most "normal" being in the middle with some extremes at either end.
I think Einstein's theory of relativity comes into play here too. What is normal is culturally and individually relative. Polygamy was accepted in many cultures for thousands of years, even in early Judeo-Christian settings. And homosexuality of both the male and female variety was normal in Athens. And, of course Cpl. Klinger popularized trans-genderism on M.A.S.H. Wasn't he lovely in chiffon?
Did you every wonder about The Lone Ranger and Tonto? Yancey Derringer and Pahoo? Or, Pancho and Cisco? Talk about gay caballeros!
Same sex preferences have existed from time in memorium. Amazons, Lesbians, Athenian man-love...it's all there in the pages of world history. The spirit of Sodom and Gommorah and the sex trade is still alive today. The world's oldest profession still attracts many practitioners and clients.
I even wondered about the Faun of Greco-Roman mythology...half-goat, half man and 100% weird. And, what about Jabba The Hutt? How did that dude get concieved? Now there's an anti-picturesque thought.
Sex is in its bare essence (no pun intended) all about creativity and the expression of it.
The hit TV show MAD MEN revels in the "steamy sexy creativity" of the advertising agency business back in the sexy 60's. And, the cable show HUNG has plowed new ground in making male prostitution acceptable and oddly funny. The role reversal of female client and male hooker is simultaneously alarming, amusing and totally bizarre.
Sex is usually unique to every genus and species, unless of course, man intervenes and creates the Labradoodle.
The human race has produced a myriad of indviduals from the sexual comingling of races. Some of the most exotically beautiful women in the world are Eurasian and Afrocausian. Author Graham Hancock's wife is a stunningly beautiful Ethiopian woman with refined Caucasian features and a skin as black as night.
The more I look at history, the more I see the powerful and pervasive role that sex has played. The redheads of Northern Italy...owe it to the conquering armies of Barbarossa. The Black Irish come from the comingling of the Irish and Spanish sailors shipwrecked after their Armada was sunk in 1588.
Costa Ricans today are a marvelous mixture of indigenous Central American Indians, African slaves, Spanish conquistadores and German immigrants.
Everywhere I go I see the dance of God's creative sexual expressions playing out. Sex will continue to be popular...not just because it is centrally-located, but because mankind is still a work in progress.
It's up to each one of us to learn how to use our sexual energy...perhaps, the commandment to love one another is the divine tempering mechanism that separates man from the chimp...and David Letterman from Jon Stewart.
I'll ask my banana-eating companion in the photo about that and get back to you with a second opinion. Did you know that only 8 chromosones separate the DNA of Man from Chimpanzee?
Gee, I could'a had a furcoat!
Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen Of The Repbulic
PS: As a friend of mine once said, "Enjoy sex now...because we're all gonna be dead for a very long time."
A similar notion is expressed in the lyrics of a silly polka song, "In heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here."
And as Mae West so wryly and wisely observed, "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."
Is it any wonder that when someone asks, "Shall we? "
That so many others enthusiastically answer, "Lets!!!"
PS 2: "Tennis Anyone?" --could that be a cleverly coded Country Club metaphor for this age old question.
PS 3: "Brace yourself Maureen!" is also known as "Irish foreplay."
