The Wise Buddha-hahahaha

Strictly Off The Record: My Secret Faux Dinner With Former President And Cigar Officinado William Jefferson Clinton.

Dear Pals,

After I had spent hours composing the headline of today's blog, guess what?

President Clinton called up and cancelled. He said he had something pop up suddenly, but he offered to have his wife Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton sit-in for him.

Unfortunately, I already had my back-up Plan B. guest in the wings.

So, without further ado, here is Attila The Hun, leader of that famous band of barbaric butchering bastards known as "The Huns," hence the name, Attila The Hun. This is also where the expression, "Hun, will you get me a beer?" originated.

BIRK: Hi, may I call you Attila?

ATH: I prefer Attila The Hun, otherwise I could get mixed up with Attila The Florist or Attila The Podiatrist...or Attila The Dentist...what a butcher he was.

BIRK: No problemo...

ATH: You don't need to speak Mexican...I'm not Dick Cheney.

BIRK: Okay, no problem!

ATH: Whaddya wanna know?

BIRK: You're an expert on conquering tribes and folding them into The Huns...

ATH: ...and, let's not forget looting, pillaging, sacking and raping...we've diversified.

BIRK: Great...say, I was wondering, I have a prospective client named Joe, that I've been chasing for over a year now and I haven't been able to "bring him into the ORCA tribe so to speak"...any ideas on how I can sign him up and win his loyalty?

ATH: Does this guy have a son?

BIRK: Yeah a really nice guy named Tim...

ATH: Head on stick.

BIRK: Excuse me...

ATH: Put Tim's Head On Stick.

BIRK: That's kinda severe isn't it?

ATH: I don't know if it's severe...but, it is severed.

BIRK: Seems kinda over the top don'tcha think?

ATH: Look do you want the "Rick-Ken" account or not?

BIRK: Sure, we've got a ton of great ideas for them...and they seem to like 'em...but...I just can't seem to get them to pull the trigger.

ATH: Look, let Roy Rogers pull Trigger.

BIRK: But..

ATH: But what? You ninnyhammer!

Trust me when Joe the Butcher sees his son Tim's Head On Stick...he'll get the idea...and he'll know who the real butcher is.

BIRK: I dunno...I really like Tim a lot...he's so good-looking and he has so much to live for...

ATH: Okay...what was the father's name again?

BIRK: Joe..

ATH: Put Joe's Head On Stick

BIRK: You're kind of a one size fits all solution kinda guy...aren't you?

ATH: Hey, if it's working don't fix it.

I've conquered hundreds of towns and thousands of villages using Head On A Stick...pretty soon, word gets around...before you know it the next villages are tossing roses and virgins at you and saying, "Where do I sign up to be a Hun."

BIRK: Maybe I could put a Pumpkin on a stick...since it is Halloween and that could give Joe and Tim the idea...I could carve a funny face and maybe a clever poem like An Ode To Bratwurst...

ATH: Maybe you could light a Roman candle and stick it and the Pumpkin up your...

BIRK: Hey, easy pal, let's not get personal.

Time to move along. Let's switch gears...what would you do to end the war in Afghanistan?

ATH: Heads On A Stick until war stops. Or, until they run out of Heads. Whichever comes first.

BIRK: What about the regimes in Iran and North Korea?

ATH: Are we at war with them?

BIRK: No, we're not at war with them...

ATH: Heads In A Bag...

BIRK: How's that different from Head On A Stick?

ATH: No sticks...Doh.

BIRK: Maybe we could try a "carrot and stick" - you know an economic incentive approach...

ATH: Great idea...bring me a bag of heads and get a FREE virgin

BIRK: Are you serious??

ATH: Okay...I'll make it two "near" virgins...but, I want a really full bag of Heads...

BIRK: What about the US Congress?

How would you deal with the Democrats like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Bwarney Fwank, Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Mark Murtha, Barbara Boxer, Chuck Schumer, John Kerry and Joe Biden??

ATH: Who are they? What'd they do?

BIRK: They are all big time tax and spenders...they run up trillion dollar deficits, some cheat on taxes, others undermine soldiers in the field by withholding reinforcements the Generals asked for...

ATH: Butthead On Stick

BIRK: How's that different from Head On Stick??

ATH: Longer sharper stick placed where the sun don't shine...

BIRK: That's a little anti-picturesque...

What about the White House Crew? Emmanuel, Axholerod and that grinning gargoyle Press Secretary...what's his name?

ATH: You mean Robert Gibbs?

BIRK: Yeah...

ATH: Preparation H...

BIRK: Preparation H??

ATH: Yeah...Preparation H as in Hun.

BIRK: That doesn't sound so bad...

ATH: Have you ever read The Miller's Tale?

BIRK: Is that the one with the ahhhh...ahhhh...

ATH: ...well-placed red hot poker...I call it, Preparation H.

BIRK: Oh God!

ATH: I've heard of this O-God.

BIRK: When??

ATH: I think Pope Leo mentioned him to me when we met when I was on my way to sack, loot, pillage and rape Rome.

BIRK: What exactly did Pope Leo say to you, that caused you to turn back.

ATH: It's not so much what he said, it's what he showed me.

BIRK: What was it??

ATH: Pope Leo showed me a long stick with a man nailed to a cross at the top of it, with a crown of thorns on his head, a lance wound in his side and he had been scouraged bloody raw from head to toe.

BIRK: Jesus!

ATH: That was my reaction too. I said what did he do?

BIRK: And...

ATH: Pope Leo said, "Nothing. He was the Prince of Peace."

BIRK: And that turned you around?

ATH: Effen-A...it turned me around on the spot...I mean, if the Romans did that to the Prince Of Peace...I wondered what they'd do to the Attila the murdering, raping, sacking, pillaging scumbag Hun...so, I figured why press my luck with these crazy Italians...hey, I could end up singing soprano.

BIRK: So you've heard of the castrati...

ATH: No, I've heard of Tony Soprano...badda bing, badda boom.

BIRK: I thought you were talking about Obama when you said O-God.

ATH: Obama...that grinning glad-handing, ACORN-loving community organizer from Chicago...what's he doing these days?

BIRK: He's the President of the United States Of America...

ATH: Jesus! Oh God!

BIRK: And he won the Nobel Peace Prize too!

ATH: For what?  Yer effen with me right?

BIRK: That's what a lot of people are asking these days...

ATH: If they had a Nobel Atrocity Prize for murder, rape, looting and pillaging I'd be a shoe in...

BIRK: I'm not so sure, ever heard of Kim Jung Il, Osama bin Laden and Bernie Madoff?

ATH: badda, bing, badda boom...

_________________________________

Thanks for joining me for this edtion of Strictly Off The Record, My Secret Faux Dinner with Atilla The Hun.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic, a Mob of One

PS: It looks like my next faux guest will be Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, it appears that she has a lot of free time on her hands since Generals John Heinz Kerry and Joltin' Joe Biden are handling Iraq and Afghanistan and former President Clinton is handling North Korea and George Mitchell is handling The Middle East and Israel.

All she has left is Little America...where the penguins peck her cankles.

See you in the Gulag!

FTC COMPLIANCE NOTE: The word "effen" used in this blog is a quaint Hun word, and should not be construed to be an oblique reference to or endorsement of EFFEN brand Vodka. This blogger has NOT recieved any remuneration or compensation of any kind from the makers of EFFEN brand Vodka. Nor would I accept a case if someone were to drop it by the office.

(Grey Goose, well that's another brand story)

 

SFX: TRUMPET FANFARE - Introducing "Strictly Off The Record: Birk's Secret Dinner With VIPs" Series. Stimulating Simulated Facious Off The Record Encounters With Newsmakers From The Past, Present And Future!

Dear Pals,

With a tip of the Birk hat to my idol, the late great Steve Allen and his classic Meeting Of The Minds series, I'm introducing a new allegorical series of Birk Blogs built on the cockamamie premise that people of real consequence and importance would actually sit down with me mano-y-mano-y-chimp in a free-wheelin', no-holds-barred, anything goes conversation - where I get to ask the questions and they have to answer them truthfully.

To be sure this works, each participant will be given a dose of Truth Serum (Jack Daniel's Old No. 7) prior to the interview to loosen their lips.

Today's inaugural guest in the "Strictly Off The Record: Birk's Secret Dinner With VIPs" Series is former Vice President of the United States of America, Dick Cheney.

THE SCENE:

I arrived about 10-minutes early and was seated in a quiet corner booth in the restaurant before Vice President Cheney was scheduled to arrive. I took the liberty of ordering dinner for both of us since I knew he was on a very tight schedule.

At precisely 2:30 am, the former Vice President entered by the side door and made his way to our secluded booth.

BIRK: Thanks for coming Mr. Vice President...

DC: Call me Dick, everybody does. And, how could I turn down such a gracious invitation...especially to this place?

BIRK: I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of ordering...

DC: No problemo, I love everything here...whaddya order?

BIRK: I got us 36 double cheeseburgers, 2 orders of fries and 2 orders of onion rings and 2 large Diet Cokes.

DC: Perfect, I quit drinking Diet Pepsi because the effen logo reminded me of...well, forget it. But, ixnay on the locationay because Lynn would kick my ass if she knew I was eating at Castilleo Blanco.

BIRK: Castilleo Blanco?

DC: Yeah, it's Mexicano for White Castle, comprende amigo?

BIRK: Oh I see...

DC: I'm brushing up on my Espanole since the US-Mexican border is leaking like a sieve and half the people in Montana are named Pancho these days.

Let's get started...whaddya wanna know?

BIRK: Let's jump right in, what did you mean when you said that President Obama should stop "dithering" on Afghanistan?

DC: Dithering is a great word...no bloviating here.

I meant that President Obama should get his "wish-washy-have-it-both-ways-politically-correct-ass" off the fence and send in the troops that General McChrystal asked for and that General Petreus supports. The Generals know how to fight and win. Give 'em the troops they need and let them do their job. President Obama needs to grow a set of cahones...that's another Mexicano word I like to use.

BIRK: But Joe Biden and John Kerry are telling the President to slow down and wait until the Afghan elections are settled. What about that?

DC: Hahahaha...Joe Biden and John Kerry...now there's a pair of jokers. Two real patriots. Two real bonafide military geniuses. Joe Biden, I believe graduated from East Point and I think Kerry is an alum of the Heir Farce Academy.

BIRK: I think your jesting...

DC: I'm trying to restrain my desire to launch a technicolor cheeseburger yawn across the table. I don't know how Secretary Gates can sit there and listen to those two. Frankly, I wouldn't trust either one of them to go out and successfully return with a zesty cheese burrito.

BIRK: What's your opinion of President Obama?

DC: He is the President of the United States...and since he sits in that office, I must hold him in the lowest of high esteem.

BIRK: On a scale of 1 to 10 how good a job do you think he's doing?

DC: I'd rather not get into numerical ratings...let's just say, I hope he stays very healthy and finishes his first and last and only term as soon as possible because the people in the "on deck circle" really scare the bat guano out of me.

BIRK: You mean Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi?

DC: Look Birky, I never plugged my hair or shot my face full of botox...so those two creepy gargoyles really scare me.

BIRK: But you did plug your hunting partner and you did shoot buckshot in his face.

DC: Touche! That's a French word that means, "You got me there wrangler."

BIRK: You seem like a nice guy...why do so many people hate you?

DC: Well, it probably is because I am the devil incarnate...hahaha...wanna see the 666 on my butt?

BIRK: Right out of Rosemary's Baby, eh?

DC: I actually wanted to name the company that I once ran, Hellsaburnin...but, the Board told me that Halliburton was as close as we should come. Hahaha...

BIRK: C'mon be serious..why do people hate you?

DC: Well some people don't like to hear the truth. They're a lot of folks who'd rather have President Obama blow smoke up their ACORN-loving asses and read 'em a financial fairy tale and hand 'em a check for $1000.00.

They don't like to face facts or make tough descisions...they want to keep their heads in the sand and get 3-hots and a cot and leave the dirty work and heavy lifting to others.

Look, we're locked in a life and death struggle with some really bad hombres who want to kill you, me and our families and every American they can...why? Because of some 11th century belief system.

The problem is, they have plenty of petro-dollars and 21st century weapons and thousands of brain-washed nothing-to-live-for-losers who are willing to blow themselves to flinders to get 72 virgins.

Comprende?

BIRK: Si.

DC: Si...see you're catching on, Mexicano isn't too hard to learn.

BIRK: You mentioned petro-dollars, what do you think about drilling for oil here in the USA and what about the new green energy intiatives?

DC: I'd drill on my head if I thought there was oil there.

Look, we've got plenty of oil in the ANWAR and off shore, but the willy-nilly science-silly Algorian globalwarming goofballs won't let us drill there because of the effen polar bears.

We're ass-deep in polar bears, look it up...polar bear population is on the rise...now there's an inconvenient truth, if ever there was one.

Here's an oil fact that will startle many...

The earth makes oil...it's a hydro-carbon, ferchrissake.

How do you think 800 million barrels of oil got down 2500-5000 feet under the ground below Saudia Arabia??

Did all the dinosaurs in the world take an escalator down there and die en masse?

Or, did somebody just forget to dust?

Fact is the earth makes oil...and it has for millions and millions of years. And as far as I know, Mother Nature did not send anyone a note that said, "I ain't makin' no mo oil."

BIRK: What about green power?

DC: I'm like John Kerry...I love green power.

I love to see that wily old oilman, Boone Pickens planting those 500-ft whirly gigs all over the fruited plains.

They are beautiful...I wish they'd paint 'em like those pinwheels I had when I was a lad. Then, they'd even be more beautiful. 

What I don't understand is how they are beautiful, wonderful and green in west Texas...but ugly and undesireable off Old Cape Cod?

Ohhhh...wait a minute...John Heinz Kerry has a summer home on Old Cape Cod, and the Kennedy compound is there too...and George Bush lives in Crawford,Texas.

I get it now.

It's the difference between walkin' the walk and talkin' the talk.

BIRK: So you think John Kerry is a hypocrite.

DC: Please, don't insult hypocites by comparing Kerry to them.

BIRK: How would you deal with Iran?

DC: First of all, I would have praised the brave people who were getting killed in the streets by their thugocracy.

BIRK: So you think President Obama should have spoken up sooner and stronger?

DC: Si

BIRK: Care to elaborate?

DC: Si Si

BIRK: If Iran doesn't respond and stop making fissile material for nuclear weapons, should we employ sanctions and if so, what kind?

DC: Ever see the movie The Eiger Sanction?

BIRK: You mean...

DC: Si si senor.

BIRK: Wow...that's radical?

DC: No, radical is sitting on our hands while some low life anal apertures get ready to blow up our cities, Israel and the entire Mideast.

BIRK: Let's switch gears...what lessons have the American people learned from the Obama jobs stimulus?

DC: Well , we know for sure that Lewis Black knows more about creating jobs than our inspiring President. I mean, look, Lewis Black created more jobs all by himself.

BIRK: Really??

DC: Right...did you know that Lewis Black has his own personal ball washer.

BIRK: Hmmmm...

DC: Think about it...

BIRK: What will it take to turn the US economy around?

DC: Stop meddling in business.

Stop printing fiat currency?

Stop running up TRILLION dollar deficts.

Stop effen around with Healthcare!

Stop lending money to people who can't afford houses?

Cut taxes across the board by 50%...put the money back in the hands of people and let them decide what needs to be done.

I trust the American people...and finally, let me and Sara Palin take Barney Frank, Charlie Rangle, Chris Dodd, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer bear hunting in the Klondike.

Hahahaha...

BIRK: Sounds like fun...do you think the Democrats would enjoy it?

DC: Well, I'd certainly give it my best shot to see that they have a good time!

BIRK: Speaking of good times, how were the Hijinks at The Bohemian Grove this year? Were all the Illuminati reveling by torchlight around the big Owl?

DC: Let's just say that all "The Boys" up Guerneville and Rio Nido way all missed you Birky...but, if I say any more, I'll have to have you "sanctioned."

BIRK: Gotcha, Dick...any last thing you'd like to say?

DC: Yeah, tell the American people to trust their intuition, their gut feelings and their own thought processes. Don't lose their sense of humor or desire to succeed and prosper. And, tell 'e turn out in droves in every election at every level.

Vote the morons out!!

The American People...the ones who really work hard, create jobs and truly love liberty can solve any problem...but you can't sit on the sidelines...you've got to get in the game.

If you think President Obama is on the right track...well, keep on voting him and the looney liberal Democrats in...that's your prerogative.

But when you're holed up at home in the blackout, eating Fancy Feast and afraid to go to the mall because some whacked out religious buttwad terrorist from the Middle East might pop you and your grandson...or if you end up shooting some illegal gang morons in your driveway...please don't call me.

I've rung the warning bell!

I'll be up in Big Sky Montana sighting-in any varmints and polecats that are stupid enough to ride up the 'ol Cheney trail.

Hasta las vista mi amigos y amigas!

Via con Dios!

BIRK: Thanks for joining me in Strictly Off The Record: Birk's Secret Dinner With Former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic, a Mob of One

PS: Please suggest a guest...just let me know who you'd like me to sit down with mano y mano y chimp.

My next guest will be cigar officiando and former United States President William Jefferson Clinton.

Stay tuned!

See you in the Gulag!!