After I had spent hours composing the headline of today's blog, guess what?
President Clinton called up and cancelled. He said he had something pop up suddenly, but he offered to have his wife Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton sit-in for him.
Unfortunately, I already had my back-up Plan B. guest in the wings.
So, without further ado, here is Attila The Hun, leader of that famous band of barbaric butchering bastards known as "The Huns," hence the name, Attila The Hun. This is also where the expression, "Hun, will you get me a beer?" originated.
BIRK: Hi, may I call you Attila?
ATH: I prefer Attila The Hun, otherwise I could get mixed up with Attila The Florist or Attila The Podiatrist...or Attila The Dentist...what a butcher he was.
BIRK: No problemo...
ATH: You don't need to speak Mexican...I'm not Dick Cheney.
BIRK: Okay, no problem!
ATH: Whaddya wanna know?
BIRK: You're an expert on conquering tribes and folding them into The Huns...
ATH: ...and, let's not forget looting, pillaging, sacking and raping...we've diversified.
BIRK: Great...say, I was wondering, I have a prospective client named Joe, that I've been chasing for over a year now and I haven't been able to "bring him into the ORCA tribe so to speak"...any ideas on how I can sign him up and win his loyalty?
ATH: Does this guy have a son?
BIRK: Yeah a really nice guy named Tim...
ATH: Head on stick.
BIRK: Excuse me...
ATH: Put Tim's Head On Stick.
BIRK: That's kinda severe isn't it?
ATH: I don't know if it's severe...but, it is severed.
BIRK: Seems kinda over the top don'tcha think?
ATH: Look do you want the "Rick-Ken" account or not?
BIRK: Sure, we've got a ton of great ideas for them...and they seem to like 'em...but...I just can't seem to get them to pull the trigger.
ATH: Look, let Roy Rogers pull Trigger.
ATH: But what? You ninnyhammer!
Trust me when Joe the Butcher sees his son Tim's Head On Stick...he'll get the idea...and he'll know who the real butcher is.
BIRK: I dunno...I really like Tim a lot...he's so good-looking and he has so much to live for...
ATH: Okay...what was the father's name again?
ATH: Put Joe's Head On Stick
BIRK: You're kind of a one size fits all solution kinda guy...aren't you?
ATH: Hey, if it's working don't fix it.
I've conquered hundreds of towns and thousands of villages using Head On A Stick...pretty soon, word gets around...before you know it the next villages are tossing roses and virgins at you and saying, "Where do I sign up to be a Hun."
BIRK: Maybe I could put a Pumpkin on a stick...since it is Halloween and that could give Joe and Tim the idea...I could carve a funny face and maybe a clever poem like An Ode To Bratwurst...
ATH: Maybe you could light a Roman candle and stick it and the Pumpkin up your...
BIRK: Hey, easy pal, let's not get personal.
Time to move along. Let's switch gears...what would you do to end the war in Afghanistan?
ATH: Heads On A Stick until war stops. Or, until they run out of Heads. Whichever comes first.
BIRK: What about the regimes in Iran and North Korea?
ATH: Are we at war with them?
BIRK: No, we're not at war with them...
ATH: Heads In A Bag...
BIRK: How's that different from Head On A Stick?
ATH: No sticks...Doh.
BIRK: Maybe we could try a "carrot and stick" - you know an economic incentive approach...
ATH: Great idea...bring me a bag of heads and get a FREE virgin
BIRK: Are you serious??
ATH: Okay...I'll make it two "near" virgins...but, I want a really full bag of Heads...
BIRK: What about the US Congress?
How would you deal with the Democrats like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Bwarney Fwank, Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Mark Murtha, Barbara Boxer, Chuck Schumer, John Kerry and Joe Biden??
ATH: Who are they? What'd they do?
BIRK: They are all big time tax and spenders...they run up trillion dollar deficits, some cheat on taxes, others undermine soldiers in the field by withholding reinforcements the Generals asked for...
ATH: Butthead On Stick
BIRK: How's that different from Head On Stick??
ATH: Longer sharper stick placed where the sun don't shine...
BIRK: That's a little anti-picturesque...
What about the White House Crew? Emmanuel, Axholerod and that grinning gargoyle Press Secretary...what's his name?
ATH: You mean Robert Gibbs?
ATH: Preparation H...
BIRK: Preparation H??
ATH: Yeah...Preparation H as in Hun.
BIRK: That doesn't sound so bad...
ATH: Have you ever read The Miller's Tale?
BIRK: Is that the one with the ahhhh...ahhhh...
ATH: ...well-placed red hot poker...I call it, Preparation H.
BIRK: Oh God!
ATH: I've heard of this O-God.
ATH: I think Pope Leo mentioned him to me when we met when I was on my way to sack, loot, pillage and rape Rome.
BIRK: What exactly did Pope Leo say to you, that caused you to turn back.
ATH: It's not so much what he said, it's what he showed me.
BIRK: What was it??
ATH: Pope Leo showed me a long stick with a man nailed to a cross at the top of it, with a crown of thorns on his head, a lance wound in his side and he had been scouraged bloody raw from head to toe.
ATH: That was my reaction too. I said what did he do?
ATH: Pope Leo said, "Nothing. He was the Prince of Peace."
BIRK: And that turned you around?
ATH: Effen-A...it turned me around on the spot...I mean, if the Romans did that to the Prince Of Peace...I wondered what they'd do to the Attila the murdering, raping, sacking, pillaging scumbag Hun...so, I figured why press my luck with these crazy Italians...hey, I could end up singing soprano.
BIRK: So you've heard of the castrati...
ATH: No, I've heard of Tony Soprano...badda bing, badda boom.
BIRK: I thought you were talking about Obama when you said O-God.
ATH: Obama...that grinning glad-handing, ACORN-loving community organizer from Chicago...what's he doing these days?
BIRK: He's the President of the United States Of America...
ATH: Jesus! Oh God!
BIRK: And he won the Nobel Peace Prize too!
ATH: For what? Yer effen with me right?
BIRK: That's what a lot of people are asking these days...
ATH: If they had a Nobel Atrocity Prize for murder, rape, looting and pillaging I'd be a shoe in...
BIRK: I'm not so sure, ever heard of Kim Jung Il, Osama bin Laden and Bernie Madoff?
ATH: badda, bing, badda boom...
Thanks for joining me for this edtion of Strictly Off The Record, My Secret Faux Dinner with Atilla The Hun.
Birk, Commonsensetarian and Citizen of the Republic, a Mob of One
PS: It looks like my next faux guest will be Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, it appears that she has a lot of free time on her hands since Generals John Heinz Kerry and Joltin' Joe Biden are handling Iraq and Afghanistan and former President Clinton is handling North Korea and George Mitchell is handling The Middle East and Israel.
All she has left is Little America...where the penguins peck her cankles.
See you in the Gulag!
FTC COMPLIANCE NOTE: The word "effen" used in this blog is a quaint Hun word, and should not be construed to be an oblique reference to or endorsement of EFFEN brand Vodka. This blogger has NOT recieved any remuneration or compensation of any kind from the makers of EFFEN brand Vodka. Nor would I accept a case if someone were to drop it by the office.
(Grey Goose, well that's another brand story)